


Embracing the butterflies

by RainbowFish



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Dom/sub Undertones, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Addiction, Romance, Slow Burn, Some Humor, Sorry Cop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:34:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 51,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23549242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowFish/pseuds/RainbowFish
Summary: A few weeks after leaving Martinaise Kim Kitsuragi transfers to precinct 41.Told from Kim's point of view.
Relationships: Harry Du Bois/Kim Kitsuragi
Comments: 71
Kudos: 120





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fandom and this precious ship have so little content here, I am desperate and will read a n y t h i n g about them and I'll even read the same thing three times, that's how desperate I am. So I thought maybe someone else is as desperate as me, and I made an exception and decided to actually publish this thing I wrote instead of leaving it to gather dust on my google drive like I usually do.
> 
> But be warned: I haven't published any fanfiction in 10 years and my spell checking abilities are veeeery rusty, and english is not my first language. Also I have never written in 2nd person but Disco Elysium really made me want to try it. So sorry in advantage for any weird shit you might run into. #sorrycop

It has been a few weeks since you got out of Martinaise. You got your transfer papers to move pretty quickly, even though your superiors in precinct 57 tried to sway your decision right till the very end. But your mind has been unmovable. Precinct 41 will offer you completely new challenges, and you think you can really make a difference there, especially with how the things are going in the world right now.

And of course, even if you won't say it out loud, a certain detective might have something to do with it as well. Not the maybe possibly slightly romantic feelings you have for him (though those definitely didn't make the decision harder) but rather the fact that during the week you spent in Martinaise with him, you learned so many new things about being a detective. You have always relied heavily on just facts, and even though you have moments when your intuition is strong about something, you refuse to listen to it without a sensible reason. Working with Harrier Du Bois definitely made it clear that sometimes listening to your gut might be what solves the case.

As you think about Harry you can practically see him right in front of your eyes. How he touches the phasmid carefully, eyes filled with conversation. How he says the weirdest things to a bad mouthed teenager and somehow manages to get to his good side. How he starts making small talk with some random working woman, insisting his husband is lost, and in the end solving a case nobody could know needed solving. The hanged man case is definitely the most meaningful case you have ever been a part of. You feel like you have never done so much community work right alongside police investigation. Harry just did it like it was his job to help everyone who happened to need a helping hand. You want to take that moral into your work.

You spot a street you know you're supposed to turn to and steer your Coupris Kineema steadily that way. You squint your eyes and look hard for the number 24. That's the house where your new home is. You haven't actually seen it, but one of your future coworkers had gone to check it out and told you it is a pretty good place to stay, and the area should be somewhat peaceful - considering it was in Jamrock. Before you can spot the number, you notice some familiar faces in front of one of the buildings. Jean Vicquemare, Judit Minot and two unknown officers stand there and wave at you. You slow down and park next to them, getting out of the car."

Lieutenant Kitsuragi, it's good to see you. How was your trip?" Jean comes closer to you and offers his hand. You shake it.

"It was fine", you answer and then turn to shake Judit's hand and meet the other officers. They introduce themselves as Chester McLaine and Mack Torson - or "The Torso" which Chester informs to be the name everyone calls Mack in the precinct. They welcome you warmly and right away go to open the trailer behind your car to start carrying your items inside. The apartment is on the 7th floor, and of course the elevator is broken.

"It was broken when I checked out the apartment too. They probably won't fix it, ever. Sorry", Chester says and he really sounds like he truly is sorry. You tell him not to worry about it, and so all of you get to work.

One thing bothers you a bit. You were kind of expecting Harry to be the first in line to welcome you in, but he is nowhere to be seen. You want to hold the question in as long as you have carried all the items inside, but after you have gotten the heaviest ones in the apartment you need to ask.

"So, Harry couldn't make it?" your voice sounds casual and like it's not really that important.

"Yeah he couldn't. He's still recovering from the shot, but who knows, might as well be on another bender", Jean grunts and leaves to go down the stairs, leaving you standing still in the middle of your new apartment. You don't want to believe that. Harry stayed sober during the hanged man case and he seemed very motivated to stay that way. When you parted he was very enthusiastic about turning this new page in his life, getting you to be his new partner and for you two to take on the crimes of Martinaise together. As sending you two had been a pissing contest between precincts to see which one would take on the unwanted Martinaise, it was clear that it would fall on precinct 41 if you both were there. Harry didn't feel down about it, he was excited, he said you two had built good connections there and could really make a difference. You agreed.

"Don't worry, lieutenant Kitsuragi, Harry definitely isn't on another bender", Judit says as he stops next to you with two bottles of water. She hands you one of them. You check if your face is unreadable. It feels that way, but you stopping to think probably gave your thoughts away.

"I didn't think he would be", you tell her, taking a big gulp of water. Then you frown. "I thought he would be quite well recovered from the shooting by now."

"He is! He has recovered very well. It's just -" she glances to the door to make sure that others have gone. "I don't think Jean is still okay with him being back. He has demanded that Harry stays at home recovering the maximum time, and he was pretty harsh in forbidding him from coming here today", she continues and her face is compassionate.

You feel warmed. At least Harry had wanted to come. But it was probably wise for him to play low profile for a while and follow Jeans orders. Still, it would've been nice to see him after so many weeks.

"I see", you nod. "Thank you for telling me."

She smiles kindly.

"I really am so excited to have you in our precinct. Harry has told me many great things about you, in addition to what we already know. He is your biggest fan and by what I've heard, not without reason", Judit continues.

_You feel your ears trying to warm up but you forbid them._

_They listen._

"Khm. I'm sure he has exaggerated", you answer and Judit laughs.

"Well, we'll see about that", she chuckles, corks her water bottle and sighs. "Back to work, lieutenant?"

"Back to work", you nod.

Although none of the four helpers you have look very athletic from the outside, they have incredible endurance and you notice yourself being the one struggling with climbing the stairs. It must be the damned Jamrock Shuffle, all of them probably run around like Harry does. None of the four poke any kind of fun about it though, you just notice that they have started leaving you with light boxes that are easier to carry. You try to not let it damage your pride. And thank yourself for not having that much stuff to move.

As a thank you for helping you order pizza for the whole crew. While waiting for it to arrive, Chester introduces you to your closest little grocery store, where you can buy some essentials and also four beers to go with the pizza.

"There's five of us, lieutenant!" Chester notes and is about to lift another beer to your basket but you shake your head.

"I don't really drink alcohol", you say shortly, and Chester watches you as if you suddenly grew an extra arm, or a head.

"Then... What do you drink?" he asks in wonder. You shrug.

"Water, juice, sometimes coffee. I do like a soda every now and then", you tell him and he keeps staring at you. Then it seems like he shakes himself awake.

"Oh, well, then, have you ever tried this?" he walks to the other side of the shelf and picks up a weird looking can of soda. You shake your head no. "You need to try it, it makes your tongue super blue, and it's a real blast on your taste buds!"

Before you have time to say anything, the weird soda can is in your basket. You look at it for a couple of seconds and decide that you probably need to introduce yourself to the local treats, might as well start from that.

After your helping coworkers have wolfed down the pizza and enjoyed their beer, they start making their leave.

"The trailer is from precinct 57, right?" Jean asks and you nod. "We can take it to the station's garage. I know one guy from the upper floor who visits Industrial Harbor every weekend, has some family there. He can drive it with him next Friday, no point in you driving there and back just to return an empty trailer."

"That would be very helpful, thank you", you tell him. You really are thankful. "And thank you for helping me move in."

"Say nothing about it. Anyway, see you on Monday morning", he bids you goodbye.

"It was really nice meeting you! So good to get you to our precinct", Chester shakes your hand. So does Mack, but he just nods without saying anything.

"See you later, lieutenant", Judit quips and waves as she walks past you. You want to stop her and ask her for Harry's address, or a phone number if he has one, but your composure holds you back. That's okay. You'll see him in two days when you start your work at your new precinct.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought you should know that I love a sensitive Harry big time.

On Monday morning you wake up at 5am. Your alarm is set to 6:30 and you only need to get to the precinct 41 by 8:00, but you simply can't get back to sleep anymore. 

_It's probably some jitters from starting in a new workplace. It has been a while since you started somewhere new._

So you wake up. You make a great breakfast and eat it in peace, do a short exercise and shower, pick your clothes and notice you are still way too early. You dig up a cloth and a bucket of water and go to shine your Kineema. You smile at it happily. It is one of your dearest possessions, even though it's not technically even yours. It belonged to precinct 57, but as you left they decided to gift it to precinct 41 with you. _It would be simply unethical to make you part ways with that vehicle, Kitsuragi_ , they said with smiles. It was a sensible thing to do also because precinct 41 was one vehicle down after Harry drowned his in the sea, and the station couldn't afford a new one in the near future.

When the clock hits 7:15 you decide to leave. It's only a 15 minute drive so it's a bit early for you to arrive, but thankfully you are not the only one. Judit is already behind her desk, writing something with such focus that she doesn't even notice you come in before you open your mouth.

"Good morning", you say and she lifts her head from her papers with a smile.

"Good morning! And welcome to precinct 41!" she gets up from her chair. "Let me show you to your desk."

You follow behind her and just a couple tables away from hers you see a little desk label which reads "Lt. K. Kitsuragi"

"Ta-da!" Judit introduces your desk. "This empty desk was brought here four weeks ago and that label has already been there for two weeks, so you see, we really have been waiting for you."

"That's... Nice?" you say with a bit of amusement. But really, it is kind of nice that they are so eager to work with you. At least you don't need to worry about being welcome here.

_You just hope you can fill their expectations._

You want to ask where Harry sits but you don't. You look around and subtly try to spot his name somewhere. It's nowhere to be seen. Is he coming in today? Or will he still be on recovery leave.

"So, want a little tour?" Judit interrupts your thoughts and you nod.

After the tour more people are coming in. You make short introductions and try to get to know the people a little bit until Jean pulls you aside.

"So, lieutenant Kitsuragi, first day", he says. "You'll be partnered with Judit for now. She is still a patrol officer, but has interest in detective work, and definitely has the skills and head for it."

You blink. When you and Jean first talked about the details of you moving to precinct 41 it was loosely agreed that you would work with Harry, and both of you were interested in taking a responsibility over Martinaise. Nothing official was signed of course.

You school your face to be as emotionless as possible, and you know that's a skill you have mastered.

"Officer Vicquemare, I thought I was to be partnered with lieutenant Du Bois", you say and he waves his hand at you.

"You don't need to sacrifice yourself. You are a well appreciated lieutenant and your gifts will be in much better use with a capable partner, and not with some drunk junkie who you have to babysit", Jean assures. He really believes that. A slight anger boils inside you, but you calm it down.

"Officer, lieutenant Du Bois is one of the most talented detectives I have ever worked with, and I would very much like to continue working with him like we originally planned", you fill your voice with authority and Jean seems to lose his confidence for a while.

"Ah, well... Well, this is a temporary solution, of course. Harry is just coming in today and he still needs to be on probationary period this week to prove he's capable of working. So this is just... Meanwhile", he mumbles and you can tell it wasn't what he had planned. A thought occurs to you.

"I understand if you want your old partner back, officer", you offer. Jean looks shocked for a while and then he laughs.

"Oh believe me, I absolutely don't want him back. I don't want him anywhere near the station. The harm he has managed to do here is just..." he shakes his head, then takes a serious look at you. "He has his skills, I know that. But also I know he will fuck everything up at some point again. You still seem to believe there's an actual functioning human being under all that messed up shit. You will be disappointed and hurt, and I really think it would be best if you just abandoned the sinking ship before you even get on it."

You stare at him blankly. There's some chosen words you would like to say, but to be fair you still don't know all of the history behind Harrier Du Bois. Jean probably has his reasons to be angry and suspicious, and is just trying to save you some trouble. However.

"Thank you for looking out for me, officer, but it really isn't necessary. I prefer to make my own conclusions", you say, and your tone is so professional anyone would think you had no real opinion on the matter at all.

"Yes, of course, lieutenant", Jean nods and rolls his shoulders. He looks stressed. "Anyway, Harry will be doing some trial work for this week, and won't be partnered with anyone during that. So Judit will be your temporary partner for now."

"And when Harry gets back to real work we get Martinaise?" you ask for clearance and Jean sighs.

" _If_ Harry is capable of working again, you will get Martinaise." The word Martinaise comes out of his mouth like it's something that smells extremely bad.

_He doesn't understand why you want that place to be your responsibility._

You nod with satisfaction and then you notice how quiet everything is. You turn your head and see everyone else openly staring and listening to your conversation. You cough.

"Wow, he really is as cool as Harry said he was", Chester finally opens his mouth and everyone mumbles approvingly. Heat is trying to climb to your ears.

 _Not a change_.

"Okay okay, get to work you lot. Kitsuragi, Minot, I have some basic patrolling for you two today, just to get Kitsuragi a bit familiar with the area", he looks at you and already lifts his hands up in defence. "And don't worry, you will get detective work the first thing tomorrow, but it is best that you have a little look around first and get to know how we work here." His tone is defensive and he feels he needs to explain himself to you. You nod.

"I agree, officer", you tell him shortly and he nods back, relieved.

  
  


Working with Judit is comfortable and easy. You go through many of the basics and try to cover as much of Jamrock as possible while patrolling. There's nothing really eventful happening - which surprises you a little bit - and you get to eat lunch in time.

"Monday mornings tend to be the most peaceful time", Judit explains as if sensing your surprise. Jean is right, Judit definitely has some natural talent for being a detective.

Judit has been very kind and understanding till now. She also has a very trustworthy aura about her. Maybe this thought is the one which finally pushes you to ask.

"So, how has Harry talked so much about me if he hasn't been allowed in the precinct? It seems like he has had time to tell everyone 'how cool I am'", you quote with a slight smile. Judit chuckles.

"Well, Jean has told him not to come to the station, but you know Harry. He still came to the station, just when Jean wasn't there", she explains with amusement.

"But if he isn't allowed to work, what does he do there?" you wonder out loud.

"At first he asked pretty much questions about his past... But he stopped that pretty quickly. I think he has been trying to get to know all of us. Getting back the information he lost", she says slowly, and then smiles widely. "To be honest, he probably knows the whole station better now than he did before his amnesia."

The rest of the day is a bit more eventful. Mostly you come across disoriented people who are either batshit drunk or very high. You are happy to return to the station, a bit drained but satisfied. You feel you got a lot of new information about Jamrock today.

"Kim!" you lift your head as you hear a familiar voice. You see Harry walk towards you with a big smile on his face. You check to see if your face looks professional.

_Well... Nearly._

You can't help the smile that climbs to your lips, but right when you notice it you dial it down. You know Harry has noticed though, cause his smile just widens and his eyes twinkle with happiness. When he is in front of you, he sort of makes a movement that suggests he was about to hug you, but aborted the movement in the last possible moment. He seems to be struggling inside his head. You offer your hand and he immediately grabs it with both of his, holding it more than shaking it.

"It's so good to see you again, Kim!" he is excited and it's infectious.

"Khm. Yes, you too, detective", you say professionally, but can't get the last of the small smile shaken away from the corner of your lips. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I am completely healed! And I can finally get back to work. Well, not real work, Jean has me doing some archiving and paperwork this week but it's fine, it's only a week", Harry explains and he sounds really happy. You are glad that Jean's attitude hasn't put him down. "How are you, Kim? How was your first day in Jamrock? I'm so sorry I couldn't be there, I would've liked to show you around. Is your new place nice? It's a smart thing to move closer, even though your previous place wasn't that far, in morning traffic it would've taken forever to get through Jamrock. OH and I saw you got to take Kineema with you, that's disco!" It's impossible to answer any of Harry's questions as he keeps babbling. Unnerving fondness lifts its head inside you and you squeeze Harry's hand which is still holding yours. He shuts up.

"Sorry. I just - it's really good to see you, Kim. I really missed you", Harry tells you.

_It really takes some real effort to stop yourself from blushing. Like, real, true effort. Also you think you have butterflies in your stomach, it's quite unnerving._

"We will have time to do some catching up, detective", you assure him and he smiles. Then he seems to notice that he's still holding your hand with both of his. A bright red blush rises to his cheeks as he lets go of you gently.

"There you are, Kitsuragi!" Chester shouts as he comes around the corner to find you. "And Harry, perfect. We'll be going to the pub on the next corner to celebrate our new lieutenant, so wrap up your work and come!"

"I don't really -" you start but Chester is having none of it.

"You are coming with us, the end. And we know all about the eyebrow of authority, so if need be, we'll drag you with us with our eyes closed", he winks at Harry and leaves to gather others.

You hide a laugh behind a cough as you turn to watch Harry again. It seems like he has realized the amount he has talked about you in the past weeks, and that many of those things will probably make it back to your ears.

"It's okay, detective", you say and Harry grins at you apologetically.

"Okay. C'mon Kim, let's get you to your celebration", he says and turns to lead you onward.

"Will you come?" you ask.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world", Harry smiles.

"What, you're absolutely not coming", interrupts Jean who has heard the last of the exchange as you walked closer to the group of people ready to leave.

"C'mon Jean, you can't stop me from going to the pub", Harry argues and Jean seems to grow in height as he comes closer to Harry.

"Nobody wants to see you get shitfaced and destroy the pub and then wonder where the hell to put you to sober up", Jean starts to rant and you see how Harry seems to get smaller. "Just let us have a fun evening celebrating our new coworker, and let Kim have some free time before he's stuck with your bullshit. Besides-"

"I think that's enough, officer", you say as you take a step so you are standing between Harry and Jean. You can understand Jean's frustration and worry, but his actions are resembling bullying quite a lot, and you won't stand aside listening to that. You put on your best authority face and stare at Jean without saying anything. After a few seconds he seems to deflate and shakes his head.

"Yeah, well, whatever, I guess", he turns around to once again see a group of people staring at them. "Well let's go, what are we wasting time here for, chop chop!" And people quickly gather the rest of their things and start moving outside.

When you walk to the pub, you and Harry have a few minutes to do a short catch up. You know you don't tend to share much, but his face is begging to hear about your life so badly, and so you tell him about your new apartment and the broken elevator, how you got to take the Kineema with you, what did you do on your first day with Judit... And you see Harry absorbing every word like you were telling something very important and meaningful.

 _You DO have butterflies in your stomach_. _It's horrible_.

Once you reach the pub, you watch Harry closely as he watches everyone order different kinds of drinks and beers. He licks his lips and then purses them together. His eyes are hard and determined as he turns to the bartender.

"Do you have anything... Non-alcoholic?" he asks, and his voice sounds like he's trying to hide the shame he feels. Bartender doesn't care, just hands him a list.

"Sure, here are our mocktails", they say casually.

"Mocktails..." Harry feels the word around his mouth and checks out the list. "And none of these really have any alcohol in them?" he ensures, and the bartender confirms. Harry's face seems to lighten up.

"I'll have the strawberry fantasy", he orders, now confident.

"You want whipped cream on top of it?" the bartender asks as they start gathering the ingredients.

"Yes, absolutely", Harry nods. Then the bartender turns to you.

"And for you, sir?" your eyes are stuck on Harry's giddy expression and you don't know where to shove all the feelings swirling inside you. You turn to the bartender.

"That for me as well. But without the whipped cream, please", you order and from the side of your vision, you see Harry beam.

 _Butterflies, butterflies everywhere_.

_You tell them to cease their fluttering._

_They don't really listen._

When you get your mocktails, you almost can't handle how excited Harry looks.

"Look, Kim! It looks amazing!" he exclaims and takes a taste with the pink straw. It seems like the bartender has somehow managed to read exactly what Harry needs, since in his drink there are fancy decorations on top of the whipped cream, sprinkles and a glittery umbrella, while yours just has a simple black straw. "Tastes amazing too!"

You also taste yours. It is good, though a bit sweet for your tastes. Normally you would just have some sparkling water or maybe a cranberry juice - on those rare occasions you actually end up ordering something in the pub. But this is a nice change.

"Yes, it's quite tasty", you nod your approval.

"Let's go, there's a big table that we usually reserve when we come here together", Harry says and you follow him to the back of the pub, where indeed almost everyone from the precinct is already located. Harry sits next to Judit, leaving a place between him and Chester open. You sit there. You notice that from the other side of the table Jean is looking at Harry and his drink with hidden hatred.

"It has no alcohol in it", Harry apparently also noticed Jean's look as he felt the need to explain himself. Jean just rolls his eyes and huffs, but doesn't comment on it.

The evening is actually pretty nice. It turns out that Chester, The Torso and Jean are pretty hard drinkers, but the rest of the team seems to have some limits. You have nice conversations about the most apparent differences between precincts, discuss some of the ideas you have for improving the status of RCM in Martinaise, and you get to know some things about your coworkers personal lives. People change places, get new drinks and a couple hours later you suddenly notice that Harry isn't sitting anywhere.

Your mind becomes alert. You look to the counter but he's not there. You start browsing the pub with your eyes and finally you spot him. It's not exactly a dance floor, but it's a place where some tables have been pushed aside to allow drunken customers to satisfy their dancing urges. There, in the middle, stands Harry, looking miserable as Jean is practically in his face. Immediately you stand up to go see what's going on, but at that moment you see Jean say his final word and storm away, leaving Harry standing there stunned. You wait for a while, and then sit back down as you see Harry walk back towards your table.

Harry silently sits down a couple chairs away from your conversing group and looks sadly down to his drink. This time it's orange, and there's even more extravagant decorations than in the first one. The glass is almost full, Harry has probably taken just a few sips out of it. You lift your eyes from the drink to Harry's face and see his lip tremble, and he's blinking fast.

 _He's trying his hardest not to cry_.

You haven't heard what the group has been saying for a while and the conversation has continued, so you don't bother excusing yourself, you just move to sit next to Harry.

"Hey. Everything okay?" you ask carefully. Harry glances at you and nods. Then shakes his head and gestures to his glass.

"Jean poured his whiskey in it. Said it was what I really wanted anyway", Harry said, voice trembling.

"Do you want to drink it?" you ask, careful to keep emotions out of your voice. You kind of expect him to say yes, so you are a bit surprised when he shakes his head no.

"No, not really. But it was a really good and pretty drink and now it will go to waste", he says sadly. You lift your hand to pat him gently on the shoulder.

"Well don't worry about that. If you leave it on the table and say there's whiskey in it, someone will happily drink it", you say.

"Yeah, you're probably right", Harry nods and grants you a small, thankful smile. Then he pushes the drink towards the rest of the people sitting on the table. "Oy! There's whiskey in that!" And unsurprisingly, the drink disappears in just a few seconds to some lucky hands. Harry seems relieved.

"Do you want to get a new one?" you ask as Harry's mood seems to lower again. He shakes his head.

"Nah, I don't think so. I should probably head home", he answers and even though you keep your face even, you frown inside your head. Harry had been having such a good time the whole evening, and had been quite good company. And you think it's not just you, you're pretty sure everyone enjoys being around this new, soberly socializing Harry.

"Did Jean say something to you again?" you ask evenly. Harry shrugs.

"Nothing that wasn't true", he says shortly and then rises up. "I'll go now, see you tomorrow."

"H- detective, wait! I'll come with you, I can drive you home", you suggest but Harry shakes his head.

"No, you enjoy the rest of the evening. I'll walk, it's good for... clearing my head", Harry says. You want to argue, but you glue your lips together and nod tightly. Harry smiles at you. "Now don't be like that, I promise everything's fine." Then he turns to the rest of the remaining group. "Thanks for the good evening guys, I'll see you tomorrow!" And everyone happily wishes him goodnight.

You watch him leave the pub and you move back to sit closer to the group. The lively conversation goes on, but for the rest of the evening, half of your mind is on Harry.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you sense all the mushy feelings I was having when writing this chapter?

During the next week you establish some kind of routine. Every day at work you have lunch with usually Judit, Chester and The Torso, sometimes Jean and Trant join you. You don't really see Harry at work that much since he has truly buried himself in the paperwork. You feel proud of him, seeing him take even the mundane task so seriously. He is really trying. After work - no matter if it's 5pm or 10pm when you get off - you meet with Harry, and he has been introducing you to Jamrocks best restaurants and fast food joints. You have your daily cigarette while he watches you have it, and then you go home.

This evening there's a slight change though. It's 6pm and Harry gets in your car. He seems to be buzzing with some kind of nervous energy. For a moment you fear that he has run into Jean again. Last few days Jean has been avoiding Harry or talking about him when you are around, and you think it's partly because he knows you would step in and as much as he liked to confront Harry, he doesn't want to get in confrontation with you. But you can't control what goes on when you're not there.

However, after a quick analysis you deduce it's probably not about Jean. Even though nervous, Harry seems to be in a positive, excited mood.

"So, what's on the menu tonight?" you ask lightly and Harry almost jumps. You pretend you didn't notice anything weird and just wait for him to answer. You see him twisting his arms awkwardly. Finally he seems to have gathered enough courage as he takes a deep breath in and begins.

"Well, we've been having restaurant food for many days in a row, so I just thought, maybe I could cook for you today? In my apartment?" He sounds nervous but hopeful. You are surprised.

"You cook?" you ask, a bit thrown off.

"Well, I have been getting some of my memories back slowly, most of them pretty hazy... But I think that I actually used to cook a lot before... before everything. And I have been cooking for myself almost everyday before this week", he explains and probably reads your blank face wrong. "We don't have to, don't feel pressured, it was just a stupid idea. I-"

"No. You can cook", you say shortly. You really can't use any more words, you are not completely sure what would come out of your mouth. Harry smiles widely.

"Okay! So if you go right from here I will give you directions", he says happily and you nod.

Harry's apartment is surprisingly clean. There are still weird piles of strange stuff that he collects everywhere, but you think that he has also been going through his old stuff, throwing some things out and organizing others. It will probably never be perfectly organized, but it is not dirty. There's a comfortable looking couch, a bookshelf filled with all sorts of books and cassette tapes. A small side table with the boombox Harry bought from Martinaise during your case. There's also a small table with 3 chairs. There's some papers on the edge of it, it's probably the table where Harry does paperwork when he's home, but it has been cleared so it's ready to serve as a dining table.

 _He has been planning this from at least this morning_.

You notice Harry has been eyeing your reaction.

"This is quite a nice home", you say and see Harry relax.

"Yeah. It's a bit weird. I don't really remember living here, but right in the first night when I woke up thirsty and had to get up to drink water, my body just knew how to move in the apartment even though it was totally dark", he scratches the back of his head.

"Does it feel like home?" you ask. Harry thinks for a while.

"It's starting to. As I go through stuff. It feels like it is my home, but someone else has been living here, and as I get rid of the stuff I don't remember or don't want to keep anymore, replace it with something I do, it feels more and more like my apartment", he tells you. It makes sense.

"Are you okay with some music?" he asks and you nod. He goes to the shelf and picks up one of the cassettes and inserts it to boombox. Soon a relaxing, gentle beat fills the room. It's not overly cheerful but it's definitely not sad. "So. Make yourself at home", he says as he turns to go to the kitchen.

"Can I help?" you ask and follow him.

"Of course! It's a bit small space but we'll fit", he grins happily and you let yourself smile just a little.

Harry wants to prepare his special chili sin carne. He says it's surely his special, as every time he makes it it's been delicious. He sets you to cut some onions and red bell peppers and starts the rest of the process himself. Soon he is humming along to the tunes drifting from the living room, softly stomping his feet with the rhythm. Not long after that he is almost making small dance moves and starts whistling. You can't stop the smile that rises to your lips, and you don't really feel the need to stop it. When a particularly catchy tune comes up, you join the whistling. But you absolutely won't do any dance moves.

Harry looks at you, delighted, and together you whistle and prepare the meal. It feels awfully domestic, and it warms you from the inside. You have your imagination quite in control, but you let it run for a while, imagining a life like this. Where you could have a partner. And not just a work partner. Someone who understands you. Makes you feel so comfortable you can lower your shields and relax. Who is there for you and you'll be there for them. And though you are trying to be even a bit abstract in your imagination, it's clear that the person you are imagining isn't some faceless man. It is Harry. 

_This understanding really makes this moment give you another set of desperate butterflies. You seriously need to get this butterfly-situation under control_.

You haven't known him for that long, but that time you have known him has been quite intensive. And the more you spend time with him, the more you talk to him, you feel like you have this unspeakable connection you have never felt before. It just makes you crave his company even more. There's also the rush of all sorts of endorphins you get when you first get a crush on someone. You recognise it, but even your hard logic is unable to stop it.

"There!” Harry exclaims, interrupting your thoughts. "Now, we just let it simmer for 10 minutes and wait for the rice to be done", he says proudly. It already smells good, and you breathe in the scent of the sauce. Harry looks at you with a happy smile and you smile back sheepishly.

"I am a bit hungry", you admit. Harry laughs softly and you can't get your eyes off of his face.

And suddenly you notice how small the kitchen is. There's not a lot of room between you, you just haven't noticed it because you've been facing different directions. Now that you have turned to face each other you suddenly are... pretty close. Your eyes drop to his arms, where he has rolled his sleeves up, making his arms look... Yes. Good. It would be even better if he had thrown that long sleeved shirt off, letting you see those biceps, but this is fine, very good, and -

_What? Wait. You can't just eye him up like this!_

You lift your gaze quickly back to his face, just to see him look at your lips. He is biting his own lips and looking somewhat pained.

_Could he want to-? Would he?_

You honestly don't know. Harry wears his emotions pretty much on his face, but you have a hard time figuring which of them are just him liking you as a friend and respecting you as a coworker, and which of them could possibly be more. And that more not being just him fan-boying over your coolness. It was you who told him to stop obsessing over sexuality, and after that conversation he hasn't gotten back to it. It would be useful if he just updated the situation, letting you know if he was "part of the homo-sexual underground" or not. Your every sense is screaming at you that right now Harry wants to kiss you, desperately, but the sound of logic inside you says you just can't be sure, better not risk it. Also would entering such a relationship even be sensible? Harry is still very much recovering from his addictions and his amnesia, is that the best time to even think about things like this?

"Khm. Should we set the table?" you suggest, just to get out of your head. That also wakes up Harry, who is blushing quite badly.

"Yea, good idea", he says and goes to retrieve some plates.

The chili sin carne is delicious.

"You really can cook, detective", you tell him after the first few bites. It shouldn't be that surprising. If he was a gym teacher back in the day, he probably had a relatively good diet with a lot of the foods made at home.

"Aw, thanks, Kim", he says, blushing from the praise and pride. He really is proud that he has found a skill like this. "I've been trying to keep myself active. Figuring out what I was doing before I started the drugs and alcohol. I must've done something sensible in my life at some point, I can't have always been a useless drunk." He gets lost in his thoughts for a while. "Ah, sorry, didn't mean to be a downer. Let's talk about something else!"

You eat and the conversation flows easily

"So I really think I'm getting out of the trial next Monday. I have been putting in my best effort this week, surely Jean has noticed that, right?" Harry says excitedly and you nod.

"I do hope so", you say, but you fear that rebuilding trust with Jean will take a lot longer than a sick leave and a week of probationary period. However, it's also pointless to keep one of the best detectives out of the field when he is clearly eager to get back there, and so far he has been doing fine.

"So, Kim", his voice is serious and a bit shy. He has finished his meal and puts down his cutlery.

"Hmm?” you try to sound care-free, even though the tone of his voice makes you a bit nervous.

"Are we... Are we friends?” he finally asks. You blink at him, which makes him splutter. "I mean, I know you are my friend, you are the most important person to me, but am I... Am I your friend?"

As he finishes his sentence, you can see how he goes to some inner battle inside his head again. For just a few seconds you really just want to brush his question aside. Not tell too much. But he has become your friend, and you think he deserves to know that.

"Khm. Yes, detective, I consider you to be my friend", you answer, and a few seconds after that Harry sighs, relieved.

"That's good. I was just wondering, since you keep calling me 'detective' even outside of work. That maybe you want to keep some distance here", he gestures between you two. Well, he's not totally wrong. It might be that by calling Harry 'detective' you do keep some distance between you. Truth to be told, you are somewhat scared of closing that distance. What if you get too close? And it's unrequited?

"I guess it's a habit. That's what I called you when we met and you didn't know your name. Plus it is a polite way to address your coworkers", you explain. Then take an invisible breath in. "But we are friends, and it should be okay for me to call you... Harry. At least when we're not at work."

_It feels good to say his name. You want to say it all the time. Harry Harry Harry Harry Har-_

_Stop_.

After the meal you clean the dishes as domestically as you did the cooking, even though you had to use the eyebrow for Harry to let you help with the cleaning. Harry sings, a bit out of tune, and spreads foam on his beard, and he seems to shine every time he manages to get even the smallest laugh out of you.

Harry walks you outside to your Kineema, where you light your daily cigarette. Harry looks at you with a dreamy face and you can basically hear his voice say _Kim, you are so cool_.

"Kim, do you think I could take up one cigarette a day?" he wonders out loud. You shrug.

"I don't know. It can be hard to stick to just one, especially when you can't just buy one cigarette at a time", you tell him. He squints his eyes.

"What if I give my pack for you to hold and you just give me one everyday", he asks.

"What if I just give you a taste when you really need one?" you ask back and his eyes meet yours, questioning. You are not sure what possesses your body as you move next. You take a breath out of your cigarette and then turn it towards Harry, lifting it closer to his face. Harry watches you, then the cigarette, and finally bows his head to reach it with his lips. He keeps his eyes on you while he inhales, and nothing moves in your brain. Then he straightens his neck, closes his eyes and holds his breath for a while, before exhaling a puff of smoke. 

_It's an emergency, the butterflies are spreading. They're probably in your lungs now. See, you have problems breathing!_

You need to tell your body several times to start moving before your hand brings the cigarette back to your mouth.

"Thanks, Kim, that was actually nice", Harry says and looks at you. You know your face gives nothing away, but it feels like he's not just looking you in the eyes, it's like he's looking through them, right to your brain, and you're not sure what he sees in there right now. "And thanks for everything else, too. I don't know if I would have the strength to do this without you."

Your breath comes out lightly shuddering.

"You are welcome, Harry", you say simply, and upon hearing his name come from your mouth, Harry closes his eyes for a couple of seconds and smiles.

You stump your cigarette and hesitate to leave. Finally, Harry comes closer and opens the door of Kineema for you.

"Get in, Kim, or you'll be so late won't get enough sleep", he says with a warm smile.

"Yes, that's true", you say a bit breathlessly and climb into your car. "Good night, Harry."

"Good night, Kim", and he closes the door for you.

  
  
  


When Monday comes, you're already excited when you arrive at your desk and pull up your notes on Martinaise. Not that Judit hasn't been an excellent partner, but you really have been waiting to get back to work with Harry. You feel prepared to start the day.

But nothing could've prepared you for the sight that greets you when Harry walks in. It's Harry, yes, but instead of disco pants or blazer he has put on an actual, whole RCM uniform. He seems to be freshly showered, he has combed his hair and trimmed his beard. The uniform is probably a half size too small for him, but it... really only makes it look even hotter. You try not to stare, and the best you can do is look like you're writing in your notebook while secretly staring from the side of your eye.

"My man, Harry! You clean up nice!" Chester shouts. Harry looks proud.

"Thanks. Thought I'd put in a little effort, it's not everyday you get back from probation", he smiles widely.

" _Wow_ , look at mister handsome, am I right Kim? He probably just lost like 10 years or something?" Judit whispers. She has walked behind you and pokes your shoulder gently. You close your notebook quickly to hide that you aren't actually writing anything. You have become somewhat close with Judit during the last week you partnered with her. She is fun and easy to be around, and she's very smart. But sometimes you feel like she sees too much.

"Mmhm", your mouth lets out a little, pathetic affirmative sound. 

_Oh god, this won't do, get yourself back under control._

"It's nice to see him take this seriously", you say, voice now even, and you even lift your face to glance at Judit. She is smirking at you, knowingly.

_What does she know?_

Nope, you don't care, you are a professional detective.

"Oh, he's coming this way", Judit whispers and you hear her step back to her own desk. You spend every second getting your composure back under control, right until Harry is right in front of your desk.

"Good morning, partner", he says with a dashing smile.

_Oh my god, your insides are melting, you will literally die!_

_No. Stop the melting. Right now._

You raise your gaze to look at Harry and well. It's a half success. You don't look like a drooling human mess, but your eyes definitely take the landscape route before they get to Harry's face. He doesn't look offended, though.

"Good morning to you as well, partner", you say with a small smile of your own. "I see you are ready for some serious police work."

Harry laughs a bit awkwardly and scratches his neck. When he lifts and bends his arm, the already tight uniform tightens around his bicep even more.

"Ahh well I thought it would show that I really take this seriously. Also I kind of like it. Does it look stupid?" he asks. You drag your gaze away from his arm and shake your head.

"It doesn't look stupid at all. You look very... professional. It suits you", you say and congratulate yourself for such neutral choice of words.

Harry looks happy, and he has a slight blush on his cheeks.

"Thanks, Kim, that means a lot from you. You know style", he says and makes finger guns at you. "Anyway, I still need to get some paper work from upstairs and return those to Jean, hopefully after that we can get to work!"

He walks past you and you fight it, you fight it the hardest you can, you really do...

But you just have to glance behind you, see the just a bit tight fabric stretch over his ass and thighs while he walks away. You turn back with a speed of light and pretend to turn back to your notebook while your brain is doing serious cool down measures.

Suddenly Judit is right back at your side.

"Why are you doing that?" she asks.

"Doing what?" you ask, frowning slightly. She sighs and lowers her voice.

"Well, it's clear that he has a thing for you and you have a thing for him. I don't understand why you want to keep it a secret from him", she wonders and you dig up your most professional face.

"I have no idea what you are talking about", you claim. What does she mean it's clear that you have a thing for him? It can't possibly be clear, you've made really sure that it isn't clear.

_And what does she mean it's clear that he has a thing for you?_

"Don't worry, it's not like your interest is there for everyone to see. But I've got an eye for these things. And honestly, _he_ definitely doesn't see it. You've got an amazing poker face. I just don't understand why you are using it on him instead of just... Well, getting it on with him", Judit finished her sentence with a smirk and a suggestive lift of eyebrows. Thankfully, you have just spotted Jean arrive at his desk so you rise up.

"I really have no idea what you are talking about, officer Minot. Now excuse me, I have to go", you say with your most professional voice and start walking towards Jean. You distantly hear Judit snicker _oh now it's officer Minot again_.

"Officer Vicquemare", you greet and he nods at you. He looks tense and on the edge, like one wrong word could set something on fire.

"Lieutenant Kitsuragi. Everything going well?" he asks and you nod.

"Yes, wonderfully, especially now that detective Du Bois gets back on the field. We were planning to go make a round in Martinaise right away, it's best that we start making our presence known as soon as possible", you tell your plans to him, and he nods, but looks a bit difficult.

"That's a smart plan. But our Dick Mullen won't be allowed field work yet", he says curtly. You frown.

"Why not? You said his probationary period is for a week, and in my eyes he has done very well during this time and is ready to move back to his real work", your voice is calm, but some annoyance is already bubbling inside you. What's this about now?

"Yes well, I don't trust him yet. I want to see the first time he relapses and how he copes with that. Because all of us know it's going to happen, and what really matters is what he does at that point", Jean explains like it really is a solid tactic.

"What if it doesn't happen at all, you won't ever let him back on the field?" you ask and you can see him grind his teeth.

"Listen, Kitsuragi. I know you want to think the best of him, but you are not accepting the reality. He is an addict, AN ADDICT, do you know what it means? It means that he will always go back to his beloved alcohol and drugs. He might do a while without and try to be better, but he always relapses, ALWAYS. And every time is a bigger farce than the last. And the last time was a fucking big catastrophe, I'm scared of even thinking how the next time will go. Maybe he'll go on a killing spree, who knows! The point is, I want to have it happen here, where I can see him and detain him, instead of him destroying innocent lives out there in the world!"

You open your mouth to interrupt him, but it's impossible to do without just yelling over him. He's gotten his mouth open and he wants to talk it clean. His voice gets louder too, he's almost shouting at you.

_He truly has some anger bottled up inside. It's not just from the hanged man case. It's years worth of anger and frustration._

"And you should know how manipulative addicts are. They will lie and cheat and do whatever to get their dose. He's probably already manipulating you and taking advantage of you every way he can without you even noticing. He has no conscience, he doesn't care about anything but himself and getting high! And honestly, if he would just overdose here and die away, it would be better for all of us. For me, for this precinct, and especially for you, before he can pull you into his shit show!" He almost spits the final words out of his mouth, but then a look of regret comes to his face. He's angry. Very angry, and hurt. But he doesn't actually want Harry to die. You purse your lips and let him have a moment to get his feelings under control. You're pretty ready to rip him a new one, and just out of respect for your workplace you reel your worst insults back in before they leave your mouth.

"We should really consider getting even one office with walls and a door, this open office setting is just too risky", you hear Trants disapproving voice. Both you and Jean turn to look at the group of people sitting at their desks, pretending not to listen, but clearly they have heard everything. Trant looks like the the only one who just walked in.

And that includes Harry, who is standing next to Judih's desk. He is squeezing some papers in his hands so hard they are getting wrinkled. Judit tentatively touching his arm is what seems to shake him out of his shock. He doesn't look like he would cry. He is surprisingly calm when he relaxes his fists, folds the papers in his hands and puts them on top of a pile that will go to shredder.

"Well, I guess I won't be going to Martinaise today, heh. No problem, I still have some unfinished business in the archives", he makes a hand gesture which suggests he will get to it right now, but what he actually does is start walking towards the front door.

"Detective", you softly call to make him stop, but he just waves his hand at you and keeps going.

"Just going to get some fresh air", he says without looking at you, and you bet he's just seconds away from breaking down. So you let him get out of the front door. Slight shiver of guilt goes through you. Maybe you should have stood up for him even if it appeared unprofessional. At least then he would've heard you disagreeing.

The air is heavy. You turn to look at Jean, who collapses back to his chair and rubs his eyes.

"Goddamnit", he mutters and shakes his head. Your guilt vanishes as it's replaced with hot anger that almost makes you see red. You remind yourself 20 times that he is still your superior. Your voice is even when you speak.

"Officer Vicquemare. I hope you know that I came here with the highest respect for you and the whole precinct. But if this behaviour continues, my only choice is to report it. It's starting to get clear that you and detective Du Bois will not be getting along no matter how hard he tries, and if that is the case it would be wise to move either one of you to another precinct. You are ruining his recovery and encouraging him to relapse, and at the same time you let it ruin your professionalism", your sound calm, but strict and really unforgiving. Jean looks stricken. It gives you some satisfaction, but not enough.

"Yea. You're right. That was way too much", Jean says, and really sounds regretful. You nod. You don't make eye contact with the others in the room, you just grab your jacket and go after Harry.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been on night shifts, trying to do final spellcheck on this chapter, and I don't know if it's the night shift brain or the chapter itself, but every time I've read this through I've ended up wondering what was I thinking when I wrote this.

You walk into fresh air outside and scan to see if Harry is anywhere to be seen. He's not. You have a strong feeling that he has stuck somewhere nearby. Even though he looked calm, Harry's composure isn't his strongest feature, and he probably had one minute maximum to get somewhere where he could collapse.

 _Kineema_.

The idea comes to you out of nowhere and you decide to follow your instinct and check the garage. It was a good call. There, on the passenger side of your car, you see Harry. And what you see breaks your heart into a thousand pieces.

He's crying. Tears are falling down his face. Every now and then he takes a teary breath in and then keeps on shaking with the sobs. You walk closer, open the drivers side and sit in the car. Harry glances at you but doesn't say anything. He probably can't. When you get in the car he momentarily tries to hold in his breath and tears, but then he breaks down again.

You don't know what to say right now. So you grab his free hand, which lays limp on his lap. At the same time you glance at the other hand which is holding tightly onto something.

 _It's the handkerchief you gave him_.

"Harry, you know that I don't agree with anything officer Vicquemare said, right?" you ask and Harry just sobs more for a while. Then he gets himself to calm down a little bit and nods.

"Yeah, I know. You are too good to think anything like that. But you probably should", he sniffles and fiddles the handkerchief. "I should have never asked you to transfer here. And I shouldn't become your partner. I will just ruin your career, and probably your whole life. Jean is right, it's just a matter of time. And I don't want to- " he starts crying hard again. "Kim, I don't want you to get hurt by me. I think we shouldn't be friends anymore."

"Harry!" you say, loudly. "Harry, look at me", he doesn't, so you take your free arm to grasp his chin, and turn it your way.

_Oh god. It is bad._

His eyes are hopeless. He looks at you just like it would be the last time he will ever talk to you. Like he was dying right after you let go of his hand. Like he is tired of trying to be better.

_Like he is giving up on himself._

"Listen to me, are you listening?" you ask and Harry nods. "Those are not facts. Those are things that officer Vicquemare said because he's angry and hurt, and for some reason all those feelings exploded today. Those are not actual facts that are real", you tell him with a gentle authority. Harry shakes his head.

"It doesn't matter if he was angry. He's right. No matter how much I try, I'll just end up fucking it up again. He knows it. He has seen it many times. Even if I don't remember it, it has happened", Harry sobs hopelessly. "It is true. It would be better if I just-"

"Don't", you interrupt him. You can't bear to hear him say it. "Don't be so hard on yourself. You've gone through a lot of difficulties. But you're trying now. You still have a lot to give to the world. To Jamrock. To Martinaise. We haven't even gotten started yet. And you have been doing well for many weeks, so many that it is basically for months, now, right?" Harry nods a bit. "There, see? That is a fact. You have been doing well. Jean expected you to relapse way sooner, he thought it would already happen during your leave and then the extra week at work. But it didn't. You've been doing well."

"I have been doing quite well", Harry says weakly.

"You have! And because of your amnesia you've probably done things very differently this time than in the past. And it seems to be working, right?" you try to encourage him. He shrugs.

"For now. But what if I get my memories back. What if I just end up on another bender. I don't think I could bear it. The thought of disappointing everyone _again_..." he shudders and shakes his head. "Maybe I should move somewhere isolate. So I can't fuck up anyones life." His voice is filled with sorrow.

"There's no point in what-if's. Anything bad could happen to anyone, anytime. Driving motor vehicles is one of the riskiest ways to transport, and still I drive this Coupris Kineema everyday without wondering if I will be the addition to the statistics of people dying in a car crash", you try to explain to him. He suddenly looks at you worriedly.

"You should be careful when you drive", he says softly. You smile.

"I am. I'm doing as much as I can to ensure my safety. But after that, I can't get stuck on what if's. Neither can you. You just have to do the best you can, and that will have to be enough", you say and squeeze his hand. He squeezes back. For a moment it's quiet. Harry looks at your hands and the handkerchief.

"I have been doing okay", he repeats the earlier thought, and nods to himself. You give him an encouraging smile.

"You really have. And for the record, I think we definitely should be friends. You haven't hurt me Harry, you saved my life. And you have offered me the chance of my life to work here. With you", you say very gently. Harry seems to think for a while, then his eyes lighten just a little bit.

"We have had pretty good times, right?" he asks and you nod.

"Yes we have. And I personally believe we'll have much more", you tell him. This is more than you would normally expose yourself, but you don't even think about not saying these things. Maybe you can't be honest about everything, but Harry definitely needs to know he is important to you.

Harry turns to wipe his face with the handkerchief. Then he squeezes your hand again.

"Thank you, Kim. I don't deserve your friendship, but I'm so glad I have it anyway", he says somberly.

"You think I'm friends with people who don't deserve it?" you ask with a bit humour in your voice and cock your eyebrow. Harry lets out a teary laugh.

"No, you seem like the type who is very selective about his friends", he says and you nod.

"You are right about that."

Then you sit silently in a car for a long while, hand in hand. Finally Harry takes his hand back, folds the handkerchief like it is a precious treasure and tugs it in his left breast pocket, patting the pocket when it's closed.

"Alright. I guess the archive is waiting for me. Maybe next Monday it's Martinaise time", Harry says and starts getting out of the car. You go after him..

"Yes, definitely next Monday", you smile at him warmly. Together you walk back towards the building, but you stop him once more before you walk in.

"Harry, if you decide to report officer Vicquemare's behaviour, you have my full support", you tell him. Harry shakes his head.

"No. I don't want to do that. I've messed around this precinct pretty badly, and he never reported me, or at least I haven't heard there being any reports. He's right in being angry at me, anyway", he tells you, and sounds like he won't change his mind no matter what you say. You nod.

"It's your call. But remember that just because you've made mistakes in the past isn't an excuse to emotionally abuse you. If he doesn't trust your work abilities, he should go about it the official way instead of privately punishing you. If things go on like this, you should at least include Captain Pryce, to make sure you have someone with an objective point of view seeing the situation", you tell him. Harry seems to consider this. Then he nods.

"We'll see how things go from here. I'll do another week of probationary period. And I'll do my best to show Jean I am trustworthy", he sounds determined. You prefer that to the sad hopelessness. "And if it doesn't work, then I'll re-think this", he finishes, plan decided.

"Are you okay to work today? I think this episode would be enough reason to go home for today", you ask him carefully, and he smiles at you.

"I'll be fine, the papers won't mind if I'm not in the mood for chit-chat", he chuckles a bit and then turns serious. "Thank you, Kim."

You nod at him. Then, together you step back inside. He gives you a little wave as bye, and takes quick steps to escape the office and get back to the archives.

You watch around the office and see that pretty much everyone has left. There's only Trent and Judit left. Judit is probably waiting for you. You walk to her desk.

"So, what are we on today?" you ask, all business.

"Boogie street. Last week there was a hit-and-run, 27 year old female dead, suspect not found. Autopsy decided to run tox screen just for giggles. Imagine their surprise when they found traces of a very rare poison", she summarises, offering you the case file. You take it and your notebook from your pocket. The case is interesting and makes your day go by quickly.

When you get back with Judit, you're feeling unsatisfied. You feel like you took pokes every direction you could imagine, but nothing led anywhere. You think about Harry again as you sit behind your desk to go through your notes. A deep sigh escapes your lips.

"I think you've been avoiding any personal talk today, but can I just ask how was Harry?" Judit asks carefully as she leans on your desk. You roll your pen in your hand as you think of what to say.

"He was quite upset, as anyone would be", you tell her. She nods.

"I bet. That whole thing was just..." she shakes her head, not finishing her sentence. You nod slightly, understanding.

"Jean is not a bad person", Judit tells you after a while.

"Okay", you nod, not really caring what kind of person Jean is. You've had enough of him for today. But Judit keeps going.

"I mean it. He hasn't shown his best colors now, but he and Harry used to be friends and partners. I've only been on the C wing for a while, but even during that time it was easy to see how things just kept... Spiraling out of control. You didn't see how Harry was. It was horrible for all of us, and especially for Jean since he still thought of Harry as his friend, and was trying his best to cover for his mistakes", she tells you. You just nod. "And I think the last time was really the worst. He literally told everyone to fuck off. And then his memories disappeared..."

You sigh.

"I know he has made mistakes. Quite big ones. Where are you going with this?" you ask her, trying to keep the annoyance out of your voice. It's not her fault.

"I just wanted to explain. It was hard for Jean to see Harry forget basically everything, him too. Sure, Harry remembers more now, but especially the last few months before he left for Martinaise are in the dark for him, and... I think Jean was really expecting an apology and a thank you from Harry at some point for those times. It never came. And now no matter how much Harry thanks him or apologizes, it's not for the reason Jean hopes", she goes on, voice turning a bit sad. "Of course it isn't Harry's fault. The new Harry's, anyway. But I just don't want you to judge Jean too harshly. We're still trying to adjust."

You look at Judit's face closely.

"He told you this?" you ask lightly. She shakes her head lightly.

"Well, not exactly in so many words", she admits. So he's told her some of this. They've likely talked regularly, since Jean doesn't appear like someone to just share his feelings to anyone. And Judit's face shows she feels very strongly about this.

_It's important to Judit you don't dislike Jean._

"Okay", you say. "I'm not judging him too harshly. I understand where he's coming from."

"Really?" she asks, seeming a bit surprised.

"Yes. But I still don't approve of it. Many things have gone wrong here. He should never have started covering for the mistakes Harry makes when he's intoxicated. That's not helping, it's enabling. And for the rest of it - they need to figure it out. Or part ways. Whatever is best for them", you continue, and Judit smiles at you.

"Thank you. And for the record, I agree with you. Their friendship was a mess. But they had their good moments. I truly wish they can still figure it out", she says, just a bit of hope in her eyes.

And now that the serious stuff is handled, you are ready to make your deduction.

"So, anything else you want to tell me about your boyfriend?" you ask with a barely hidden smirk. Judit's eyes widen for a moment, but she recovers quickly and gently slaps your shoulder.

"Yes, right. I'll tell you more when you tell me about yours", she says with a teasing voice and shakes her head. Then she stands up properly and goes to gather her things. She throws you a short look.

"We can do paperwork later. It's not like we found out anything of essence today. And it's almost 6pm", she says.

"Got a hot date?" you try to tease her just a bit more. You are impressed how Judit doesn't grab the bait.

 _She isn't embarrassed or unsure of her feelings, unlike you_.

"In fact I do. Don't you?" she asks with a smirk of her own. You huff.

"Good night, officer Minot", you wish her. Her eyes are laughing.

"Good night, Kim", she wishes back as she walks out of the door.

You look around the empty precinct. Where is Harry? Usually he has come up from the archives at this hour and works in the office just so he can spot when you come in. He isn't here.

You gather your things. Judit's right, paperwork can wait, and you'll go through your notes later in the evening. You stand up and decide to make a quick trip to the archive. You take the stairs down and open a door, only to find the room dark. Harry is not here. Neither are his things. You make another round through the precinct, but Harry isn't there. He has probably left. Which is a bit weird. He has been waiting for you every day. But Harry did have a rough day. Maybe he needed to go rest early.

For a minute you think about just showing up to his place. Casually. Nothing weird about that. You wonder about it for a while, but end up deciding to go home. Maybe Harry needs some time alone.

Next day you don't see Harry at work. You ask around if anyone has seen him, and Jean tells you that Harry has called in sick. Jean looks tired as he tells this, and there's not a trace of anger on his face anymore. It has been replaced with regret and slight self disgust.

"It's my fault if he has relapsed now. I said pretty fucking cruel things yesterday. I mean, Harry has said some shit as well, but at least he never said he wishes any of us were dead", Jean says darkly. You don't know what to say. In theory you can sympathize, but you don't feel actual sympathy. "I was just so... Damn angry. I didn't mean those things I said, you know that right?"

"It doesn't matter if I know it or not", you answer and he nods.

"Yea it's... That's true... If you happen to see Harry, just tell him... Tell him I want to talk to him", he says. He doesn't meet your eyes as he says this, and it's not easy for him to say it either.

"I'm sure he hasn't relapsed", your mouth suddenly lets out. Jean looks at you surprised.

"You're sure? I saw the mood he left here yesterday, and it was bad", Jean exclaims. You just nod.

"Yes, I know. But I truly don't believe this will be it. He has made some real progress."

Jean looks serious.

"I hope you're right, Kitsuragi."

You do believe he won't relapse. But maybe you're not as sure as you let Jean believe. There is a hot anxiety in the bottom of your stomach. And more than just a relapse, you worry that he still nurses the idea that it would be better if he... Wasn't here. Maybe you should've visited him yesterday evening, just to check out how he's doing. What if something terrible has happened?

You shake your head. It has only been one day. And you can go and visit Harry later today.

That decided, you move on with your work day.

The hit-and-run case turns out to be a really tricky one, and you are at the precinct with Judit basically hitting your heads to the wall, when Chester interrupts your work and suggests lunch with everyone.

"There's this new place a few blocks away, many have said the food there is heavenly", Chester advertises and everyone's interested. "It's only 15 minutes walk away." Everyone mumbles approvingly.

Just when you're almost there, Jean suddenly whispers all of you to stop and hide. His voice is serious, so everyone does as told and hides behind the nearest corner. After a couple of minutes people are getting restless.

"What's up? Why are we hiding?" Chester whispers.

"I think that's Harry", Jean whispers back.

Your interest is piqued and you push forward to see better. You don't have the best eyesight, even with glasses, but you recognize the disco pants and that walk anywhere.

"That is Harry", you confirm. "But why are we hiding?"

"Maybe he's going to buy drugs? We can catch the dealer, one less place to cause temptations", Jean says, determined. "Let's follow him."

"Officer, I don't think we should", Judit says carefully but it's clear that Jean has already made his mind. You agree with Judit, but decide that if Jean follows Harry, you'll follow Jean, just to watch that he doesn't say any more harmful things to Harry when he catches him.

"No. If I can stop him from relapsing even once, I will do it. I owe him that", Jean says stoically.

"I don't think we need to follow him, he's going into that building", Trant points out. Jean squints his eyes.

"Officer Vicquemare, we really shouldn't-" you start saying, but he's not listening.

"Let's go!"

And there you go. Five police officers plus one consultant running right towards a random building. You get there, and see the elevator has gone up to the 4th floor.

"Quick, the stairs!" Jean shouts and all of you run like your life depends on it. Not like the rest of you want to run, but as Jean is leading the group by running, everyone is forced to run as well. On the fourth floor are four doors, but only one has light coming underneath it. Jean pulls that door open and all of you barge in.

You see Harry shaking hands with an unknown woman. She's dressed professionally and has a notebook in her hands. You look around where you barged in. It looks like a-

"Is this a waiting lobby?" Chester asks, but Jean has already marched to Harry.

"Harry, listen to me. I know that I said what I said, I didn't truly mean, well, all of it. You don't need this shit. Please just this once, walk away and don't buy anything", Jean's voice is rough and Harry looks shocked. So does the unknown woman. She turns to Harry.

"I assume these are your friends?" she asks, recovering quickly.

"Yes, from work", Harry says awkwardly. "I'm sorry, you go ahead, I'll be right there after I... figure this out."

"Take all the time you need", she smiles and nods at Harry, then turns to face all of the officers and nods friendly to your group too. Then she turns and enters one of the rooms connected to this lobby.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asks and eyes all of you. "And there's what, six of you?" He sounds surprised.

"We were going for lunch to the place nearby when we saw you. I immediately knew you were going to buy drugs, and decided that I have to stop you. At least this once. I owe you, after... After all the stuff I said yesterday. I was just so... Angry. And I think... Scared. Of waiting the time when the shit hits the fan again. It was making me crazy. I didn't mean all those things and I'm... ", Jean coughs once, twice. Steels himself. Straightens his back. "I'm sorry."

Harry blinks. So does everyone else. You are a bit surprised that he actually managed to say the word 'sorry', but you aren't surprised by the sudden emotional burst.

"I... Forgive you. And also, thank you?" Harry says to Jean and then looks through all of you. "But I'm not here to buy drugs."

"We know you're not-" Trent starts but Jean interrupts him.

"You don't need to lie, Harry. We know you and we can take the truth. We won't judge you", Jean assures.

"Have you looked around, Jean? Does this look like a place to buy drugs?" Harry asks. Jean finally looks around properly.

"Well, I guess it's not the most typical place", he admits and Harry sighs.

"This is... This is where I see my psychologist", Harry says quietly, last word barely audible.

"You see what?” Jean asks. Harry looks awkward.

"Psychologist. A therapist", he repeats, hot blush rising to his cheeks.

"We should go", Judit whispers but Jean disagrees. 

"Wait, not yet! Is that someone new in the drug business?" Jean asks and even Chester sighs desperately.

"No. I come here to talk", Harry explains and you can see his unease increase. You step through the group to get closer to him. Just in case Harry needs backup.

"Talk?" Jean asks dumbly.

"Yes. You know? Talk? To a professional helper?" Harry finally spells it down, eyes glued to the floor.

"Oh." A moment of confusement. And then Jean finally seems to internalize it. "OH."

Jean suddenly looks very awkward. He looks around and sees most of the group also look slightly uncomfortable. Harry the most. Then he looks at you. You face his stare and lift your eyebrow slightly, daring him to say one negative thing right now. He doesn't.

"Well. What the fuck are we doing here then. You get to your... therapy thing. We'll go get lunch. Hope to see you at work tomorrow, detective Du Bois. Now out with you lot, let's go!"

Officers start pushing out of the door and down the stairs, but you stay behind. Harry's face is flaming.

 _He is ashamed_.

"Harry, I'm very proud of you", you tell him and he rolls his eyes.

"Kim, you don't need to-"

"I _am_. I know yesterday was hard for you. And instead of using any intoxicants you came here. That takes so much strength", you tell him gently and finally he smiles a bit.

"Yeah. I called here yesterday right when I got home and booked an emergency visit. I usually come once a week but my next time wasn't till Saturday so I.. yeah", he quiets down. "You don't think it's stupid?"

"Stupid? Absolutely not. Looking after your mental health is one of the most important things to do, especially as a police", you tell him truthfully.

"Have you ever seen a psychologist?" Harry asks, and your first reaction is to shut down from telling something so personal about yourself. You shrug the reaction away.

"Yes I have, a couple times. And I'll go again if I ever need to", you answer calmly. Harry watches you adoringly.

"Kim, how come you're always so cool?” he sighs and finally smiles.

"Khm. Now you go, and I'll go get lunch", you say and turn to leave.

"Kim!" he suddenly calls after you. You turn around to face him. "Would you like to hang in the evening? I could cook again?"

Your heart is bursting. Harry is looking at you with such hopeful eyes.

"I'll probably be working late, we're really stuck with the case we're on-" you begin. But.

_Saying no would be as bad, if not even worse than kicking a puppy._

"But I can probably have a late dinner. Let's say 9pm?" You suggest and you love the way Harry's expression fills with joy.

"9pm it is!" finger guns.

Next morning you wake up in a great mood. Harry had cooked beef stew and it had been maybe the best meal you have tasted in ages. He had also gotten some fresh bread from the bakery (he told you he had tried to make that himself as well, but apparently his cooking skills don't reach baking).

It was nice. Your conversations would've continued late to the night, but you were forced to leave so you could get even 5 hours of sleep. It seems like the more you spend time with Harry, more you end up enjoying his company. But still. You have no idea if you should act on your other feelings. And those feelings only seem to grow. You can't understand how you thought they could just stay in the background if you so wanted. And the worst part is you don't really want them to. You have - just a little - started to enjoy the butterflies in your stomach and randomly missed heartbeats. It feels unnerving, but also good.

And it all could come to end if you expressed these feelings to Harry, and he turned you down. At least now you can imagine and hope.

When you get to the precinct, Harry is already there, again in his RCM uniform. But he's sitting outside on a bench. Talking with Jean. You squint your eyes to see better. They're so deep in the conversation they don't notice you at all. But they appear neutral and there's no yelling. So you decide to walk past them and get to work.

You and Judit dig into the case, trying to figure out where to head next. It consumes your mind for a while, and when you decide to take a break, you notice it's been two hours. You frown.

"They're still outside", you note.

"Yes", Judit says, looking at the door thoughtfully. She looks a bit worried. But then she shakes her head.

"This shit is really breaking my brain. There's nothing to it", she says desperately.

"I know. The pieces don't fit. Because there aren't any pieces", you share her annoyance.

"You have a real puzzle going on in there?" Chester asks, having heard you. Both of you nod. "Let me have a look."

Chester joins you, browsing all of your notes and leads that go nowhere. Soon The Torso also joins you. You brainstorm there for another hour before the door suddenly opens. All of you turn to look at Jean and Harry, who walk in. Harry is carrying a bag of some kind of pastries, and Jean has coffee cups.

"We got for coffee and thought you would like some too", Jean explains as they lower their treats. Both of them seem calm. You wouldn't say friendly, but definitely not hostile.

"Oh and folks. Next Monday, we'll welcome lieutenant double-yefreitor Harry Du Bois back to the field work. He and lieutenant Kitsuragi will answer all issues concerning Martinaise", Jean announces simply, just the tiniest smile can be seen in his eyes. Then you catch Harry's eye, nod at him, and his smile shines so brightly you can't see anything else.


	5. Chapter 5

Working with Harry again is great. You've only been working together for a bit over a week, but already you're starting to see how effective Harry actually is at police work. Sure he was wonderful in the hanged man case, but it was while he had no clear memories on how to even be a detective, just stumbling along from one lead to another. And at times he didn't even believe he could be a police.

Harrys still has gotten back only parts of his memories. Some of the older ones have returned, but especially the time he spent mostly under the influence is coming back very slowly and fragmented. But he has started remembering how basic detective work goes, and adding that to his professional Jamrock shuffle, killer intuition and his way with people... You see how he has gotten those 216 cases solved.

You've also gotten started with the Martinaise project. It was actually pretty nice to return there, if only for a visit. The drive is so long and the traffic so slow that it basically takes the whole day, but it is worth it. The first time you met with Hardie Boys, and you were somewhat surprised how positively they took to Harry telling them that you would be now visiting Martinaise regularly and helping them any way they needed to keep Martinaise and its citizens safe. You were expecting them to be a lot more territorial. But Harry really managed to say the exact right things, emphasizing that you would be there to help them, not overthrow them. So far so good.

Today is your second time visiting Martinaise, and there hasn't actually been any real police work. You've followed Harry, who has pretty much jogged through the whole district, checking in with people and socializing. Though no real work has been done, it's easy to see that many people are happy to see police officers in town.

It's almost evening when you are finishing your cup of tea at Whirling-in-rags before you need to head out. Harry is sitting opposite you with a cold soda in his hands. He is in a good mood.

"So, what do you think of today?" he asks.

"Hmmh. Well, I think it was definitely useful to go around and be seen. I know many Martinaise people haven't been holding RCM in very high regard, but I think it's mainly because we haven't been paying attention to this area. People are mostly happy that it's going to change now", you answer.

"I think so too. And I think many people are actually taking me a bit more seriously now!" he nods happily. You smile slightly.

"For sure."

"What do you think about the fishing village?" Harry asks, but you don't have time to answer when a familiar voice interrupts your conversation.

"Good evening, gendarmerie." It's the smoker from the balcony. He slides to your table, sits next to Harry and crosses his legs. Harry instantly straightens his back.

"Hi. Hello. Hi", he says eagerly.

"Good evening", you nod at him.

"I've heard you've come to bring the law and order back to Martinaise", he says in a slightly seductive voice.

"That's right. We are the law", Harry says with a weak voice, as the smoker slowly brings his hand to Harry's shoulder. He takes a good eyeful at Harry too, definitely not hiding his pleased gaze.

" _Yes_ , you are. You even have a uniform now. I have to say, there's just something about a man in a uniform", the smoker says daringly. Ah, the uniform. To be honest you were kind of wondering how the smoker seems to be much more interested than previously, but you do remember how you reacted the first time you saw Harry in a uniform. He doesn't wear it everyday, but you've still gotten used to the sight by now. Unlike the smoker who is practically eating Harry with his eyes. "So I guess I'll be seeing you around then? Making things better?"

Harry gulps. His face is getting red. It is fun to see Harry so flustered. But for some reason it just isn't as fun as it was last time.

_That's because now he isn't just confused. There's a real possibility he has figured out he does feel at least some kind of attraction towards men, and that attraction is not towards you._

"Yeah. We'll be coming around", Harry answers. The smoker hums thoughtfully and switches his position, pressing even closer to Harry.

"So, officer-" he stops to read Harry's name from the name tag on his uniform. "Du Bois. Have you been thinking about _the underground_?"

Harry blinks, speechless for a while. You don't hold your breath in. You breathe completely normally. Though your breathing now works manually.

"I, well", his eyes accidentally find yours. He stops for a while, just looking at you. You pretend to be bored and turn to look towards the counter. "Yes, I've been thinking about it."

"And? Would you happen to be in need of - let's say, a friday friend? Someone to introduce you to the best of our parties?" The smoker asks softly. Harry coughs.

"Well. I - I need to think about that", his voice sounds suddenly oddly even. You glance at him and he doesn't really look that nervous anymore. He's almost frowning. Like some spell has been broken.

The smoker suddenly turns his attention to you, probably because Harry keeps looking at you. You glance at the smoker but don't keep up eye contact. He looks at Harry for a quite long time, then back at you, and seems to think about something. Then he drops his hand from Harry's shoulder and smiles.

"I see", he turns back to face Harry. "Well, when you've thought about it, you know where to find me. Even if you just need someone to talk about it", the smoker finally says. You feel the offer is genuine, but on the other hand heavy with innuendo. He would just talk with Harry, but he would use the opportunity to try to persuade him into something more too. You feel somewhat protective, almost possessive, which is slightly alarming. You push the feeling aside.

Harry smiles at the smoker, and his expression looks plain and friendly.

"Thanks. I guess you still won't tell your real name?" Harry asks. The smoker rises up, stretches like a cat in the sun and then shrugs.

"What's wrong with Martin?" he asks with humour. "See you later, officers." And he's gone.

Harry looks after him, deep in thought. You search for the most innocent way to ask what is on his mind.

"So, does he still make you feel _special?_ " you end up asking, and in your blank voice there is just a tiny bit of teasing. Harry chuckles and turns to look at you.

"Haha, I was pretty obvious, wasn't I?" he answers, and looks a bit embarrassed. "But not really. I think I was just confused about how attracted I was to his looks. And he has a very flirty energy."

You force your face to betray nothing, but you are surprised by how casually Harry talks about it. Then, does it mean he now knows he is also interested in men?

"Anyway, I don't think a friday friend is what I want. Or a sunday friend, or really anything like that", he thinks out loud. You really want to ask what it is that he wants but you don't dare to.

"Kim!" he suddenly exclaims. "I almost forgot! I still have one thing I need to do. It won't take long and we can start driving back right after that."

"Okay", you say, ready to rise up.

"No no, you finish your tea. Let's meet at Kineema in 20 minutes?" he suggests. He seems giddy as he rises from the table, waves goodbye to some people and gets out of Whirling-in-rags. It's probably something harmless. You don't think he would get into any trouble at Martinaise anymore.

You finish your tea and get to Kineema exactly after 20 minutes. Harry isn't anywhere to be seen yet. The evening is getting a bit cold, so you get inside the car to keep warm. Only about 15 minutes later Harry opens the passenger door and gets in, holding a somewhat large cardboard box with some kind of bow on top of it.

"Sorry for being late. And sorry for the package, there really wasn't any good materials to use, so it's not that pretty... But it's the thought that counts, right?" he says excitedly.

"What's that?" you ask curiously, and Harry hands the big box towards you.

"It's for you!" he states.

You look at the box, then back at Harry. Harry shakes the box slightly in his hands, as if to say 'go ahead.'

You take the box from his hands and inspect it. It is a basic brown cardboard box, but there are little pictures drawn on it. There's a sun, clouds, a fish, a smiley face, and... is that a Kineema? It probably is. The bow on top of the box is made out of some kind of red and blue fabric. It has probably been a shirt, rebranded for this new purpose. You turn to look at Harry, who is looking at you keenly.

"Well, open it!" he tells you. Suddenly you are almost certain of what you will find inside the box.

You open it, and there, inside, four radiant hubcap spinners lay on top of some more fabric. They're the exact ones you pawned to get enough money for Harry to pay his debts at Whirling-in-rags. You take in a deep breath and slowly, carefully touch one of the spinners with your fingers. They're as magnificent as you remembered. You smile at them and let out a quiet laugh. Then you turn to look at Harry.

"Harry, you didn't need to...", you start, but then change your mind. "Thank you. This is an amazing gift."

Harry turns his face away with a shy smile.

"Well, it's not really a gift, is it? You just got them back", Harry said modestly. You shake your head.

"You going through the trouble to get them back is a gift. So really, thank you", you say gently, and finally Harry meets your eyes.

"You're welcome, Kim", he answers. "You will install them to Kineema this time, right?"

"Totally. You can help. We'll put the helium headlights finally on as well", you say, getting excited. Suddenly, you feel like it's okay to install the spinners you previously thought were too flashy. Now they also carry something of emotional value with them. And to be honest, you always wanted to install them.

"Hell yes!" Harry shouts excitedly. Both of you chuckle and the air is filled with light joy. You look at Harry, and he looks at you.

Minute later, you are still looking at Harry, and he is still looking at you. From eye to eye. For quite a long time. It's starting to feel electric, and you just can't turn away.

 _And here come the butterflies. There's really quite a lot of them, and they are particularly fluttery today_.

You need to do something. You need to lean in, touch him, anything to push this moment forward and test the waters. But suddenly, you can't figure out how. You are frozen in place, butterflies fluttering so badly your skin tingles with it, but you can't get yourself to move.

Harry fixes his position, coming just a little bit closer. His eyes hold yours, but just for a moment they slip down to your lips. They did, you are absolutely sure of it!

"Kim-"

" _Precinct 41 calling officers Kitsuragi and Du Bois_ ", the radio suddenly becomes alive, and both of you turn to look at it. Harry leans forward and takes the radio.

"Hello, it's officers Kitsuragi and Du Bois", Harry says to the radio.

" _Hi, it's Jean, have you already left Martinaise?_ "

"No, we're just heading out", Harry answers.

" _We just got a call from The Pox district, apparently someone has been found dead right next to the main road. Take a look when you drive back?_ "

"Of course."

" _Drive safe_."

"Well, guess we'll take the long route home", Harry notes simply.

"Yes. Better get going", you state, and finally your body gets out of stasis when you prepare to drive.

"I'm feeling like blasting some Speedfreaks FM right now", Harry tells you with a smirk. You squint your eyes at him, then go to turn the radio on.

"Fine. But it was your idea, not mine. And we'll turn it off when we get to the mainroad", you say, and Harry's voices of celebration drown under the booming radio.

The case in The Pox is the kind where there's not really a case, it's easy to see what has happened. But it is a sad one. A long time unstable and abusive man, who finally decided to off his wife and their two children. The wife was the one next to the road, and the kids weren't far away from the spot. Neither was the perpetrator. It's an easy arrest.

Harry looks very green after you have taken the man away and returned to the station. It's almost 3am so you decide to leave the paperwork for tomorrow. All of your good mood has vanished and so has Harry's. You sit quietly in Kineema, before Harry breaks the silence.

"Horrible", he says gruffly. You hum an affirmative sound. There's a long silence. Then.

"I'm really craving a strong drink right now", Harry admits. You turn to look at him. "Or rather, 10 strong drinks, at least. The world is so god damn cruel. People are so horrible." He shakes his head, sadly.

"Sometimes they really are. But the bad things aren't all there is", you say gently, partly to him and partly to yourself. You are really feeling his mood right now. People can be so evil sometimes. There's another silence. Harry is looking out of the car window.

"What if I just have the one drink?" he asks. You or himself, it's not clear. You answer anyway.

"Do you think it would help?" you ask neutrally. You really hope he doesn't end up drinking. But in the end, it's not your decision.

"No, probably not. But at least I wouldn't feel so much for a while", he sighs. You frown.

"It's okay to feel. It's not always pleasant, but that's normal. It shows that you still care", you say, and Harry nods.

"Yea, we've talked about it in therapy. I think part of my whole narcotics problem is that I got tired of feeling everything so much. I'm a somewhat emotional person", he glances at you in shame and lets out a humourless laugh. "Well, you know that about me pretty well."

He sounds disgusted with himself. Like his emotionality is a bad thing. And he's not really happy that you've seen so much of it. Your heart aches. You really want to hold his hand again, but you're not sure if that gesture would be welcomed right now.

"Harry, I think your capability to feel things so strongly is what makes you so good with people, and good at solving cases. You have empathy. You can feel things even when they're not concerning you. I think you have a really big heart, and in my opinion it is a good quality", you tell him quietly. Harry hums, sounding like he's not so sure about that, but at least some of the tension leaves his shoulders.

"I don't want to drink. But I want to", he says then.

"Well, what do you do when you feel like this?" you ask. He looks a bit lost.

"I should prolong it. Not make any rash decisions. Sleep on it and think about it tomorrow. If I still want that drink tomorrow, I'll think about it tomorrow", his voice sounds like he's quoting someone, probably his psychologist. You nod.

"I think that's wise. Tonight was hard, so it's only natural to want to go back to your old coping mechanisms", you tell him, then try to sound encouraging. "Just try to survive tonight, get some sleep."

He nods, but looks so, _so_ sad.

"I haven't really had a craving this bad since the worst of my last hangover", he almost whispers. He is really afraid of failing.

"You're doing fine. Look at you, still sitting here and talking to me. You haven't relapsed. I believe in you", you say, trying to fill his confidence even a little. But he doesn't look too sure.

"Can you drive me home? I don't think I can walk through the 3am Jamrock right now", he asks quietly.

"Of course I'll drive you", you tell him gently, and he throws you a little grateful smile before turning to look out from the window. You start driving through the Jamrock. The more you see, the more you realize why Harry absolutely couldn't walk through it right now. There's some messiness on the streets in the daytime, but right now it's filled with different sort of party people. Some of them are definitely having a good time, but some are there to just... lose themselves. There's a lot of drugs moving in the Jamrock area. You glance at Harry. He has closed his eyes.

The ruckus dies down a bit when you get out of the center and near Harry's apartment. You park your car close to the door and turn to Harry. He glances at you.

"Thanks for the ride, Kim. I'll see you tomorrow", his face and his voice are so blank it feels unnatural. Like he has managed to shove away how unsettled he really is feeling. Or anything he is feeling.

"Want to share my daily cigarette?" you ask him before he has time to get up. He looks at you. Then just the smallest of smiles comes to his lips.

"Sure."

You both climb out of the car and come stand next to each other, leaning back on Kineema. You light your cigarette and take a long inhale out of it. You intend to give the cigarette for Harry to hold, but his hands are deep in his pockets, and he's clearly expecting the procedure to go the same way as it did before. So you lift the cigarette near his lips, where he can take a breath of his own from it.

You share the cigarette in complete silence, only the distant clamor from the center disturbing your moment of peace.

"I could stay over at your place tonight", your mouth suddenly says. It forgot to ask your brain the permission to do that. But you think you would've allowed that anyway.

"Kim, you don't need to. I can't always depend on you", he shakes his head.

"But you can depend on me every now and then, when you really need support", you say softly. He cringes slightly.

"I just... I want you to be able to depend on me too, not just always take care of me", he says a bit weakly.

_He doesn't want to seem like an unstable person, needing help surviving the basic struggles of life. He wants to be someone stable enough you can trust._

_But you already trust him?_

"Harry, I would trust my life in your hands", you tell him. He glances at you, and for the first time you see a challenge in his eyes that's targeted towards you.

"And your feelings? Your thoughts? I don't think you trust me nearly as much as you claim to, Kim", he says lightly, and you feel like your lungs run out of oxygen. You have gotten closer to him than anyone else in a long time, and he is definitely the person who knows most about you, even the mundane things. But he probably does sense that you are hiding something larger from him. He doesn't know what, but he knows there's something. "Don't worry, I'm not holding it against you. I know I'm not the most reliable person, after all", he continues, shrugging like it's not a big deal, but you can see some hurt in his eyes.

"Harry, please. You know me better than anyone. It's not that easy for me to... Share things", you say, and your heart is beating desperately in your chest. You can't have Harry feeling like you don't trust him, just because you need to hide 50% of the thoughts and feelings connected to him. The start of a small fight disappears from Harry's eyes, and he sighs deeply, shaking his head.

"I know that. I'm sorry. This bad mood is really getting to me. I don't mean to be difficult", he rubs his forehead.

"You're not being difficult. You're right. I have things I haven't told you. But it's not because I don't trust you", you say sincerely. Harry looks at you for a while, then nods, looking a bit ashamed.

"I do rationally know that, Kim. I just - someone in my brain tried to convince me otherwise and I fell for it. Sorry", he says.

"You don't need to apologize", you tell him, and he purses his lips together to stop another sorry from falling out of it. Then he gathers himself a bit.

"If you really want to... I would really like it if you stayed over. I don't actually feel like being alone right now", he admits, and you smile at him subtly.

"I do want to", you say. You turn to lock up Kineema and when you turn back, Harry is waiting for you, holding the door open.

"You can sleep in my bed and I'll take the couch", Harry says when you get inside of his apartment. You start to argue but Harry interrupts you with a soft, pleading gaze. "Please." He asks so softly. You decide to agree.

Harry quickly changes clean sheets to the bed and throws his sheets to the couch.

"I hope it's okay", he says then and you sit down on the bed.

"It's perfectly good", you tell. Harry smiles, looking at you for a while. "Do you want to sit down for a while?" you ask and gesture to the space next to you. Harry nods and sits down. He is quiet for a long time, and you let him wander in his thoughts for a while.

"What if I can't work as police anymore?" Harry asks then.

"Then you can do something else", you answer. Harry looks pained.

"But isn't my work my duty, how can I just start doing something else?" he asks, deep frown on his face. You finally let yourself grab his hand in yours, and he instantly holds on to you tightly.

"Harry. You are a damn good detective. But that's not everything you are", you tell him. "And you should give yourself some time. After losing your memories, getting back to work is like... starting all over, with your emotions bare. We all get affected by this shit we see when we first start, but we learn to shield ourselves from it. You have just forgotten how to do it."

Harry nods. Then shakes his head.

"But if I can't learn it again? What else can I do?" he asks desperately. You can tell his mind is going in circles.

"Well, you would still make a great gym teacher. Or you could start a new career as a cryptozoologist, you seemed to have a natural skill for it", you say with a slight smile. At the mention of the cryptozoology, Harry's eyes seem to brighten just a little.

"I still can't believe we actually saw the phasmid", he says reverently. The memory also warms your insides.

"I know", you say simply. "I think we'll hear about it soon. Lena said the article would take just a few months to be published."

"I can't wait to read it", Harry says longingly. Then yawns and glances at the clock on the bedside table. "Think we should go to sleep?"

"We probably should", you nod. Harry squeezes your hand one more time before letting go of it and standing up. You don't want to let go, you want to pull him back to the bed, wrap him in the blankets and hug him next to you, to protect him from the assault of unpleasant dreams he probably will have after today. But you do let go.

"Well, good night then, Kim. Let's try to make the best of the few hours we have left", he says, now even a small amount of humour in his voice.

"Yeah. Luckily we can spend tomorrow morning doing the paperwork, I think we'll survive that even as zombies", you chuckle. "Good night, Harry."

He leaves, and at the door turns to look at you.

"Can I leave the door open?" he asks shyly.

"Of course you can", you nod. He smiles at you gratefully and then walks quietly to the living room.

You hear him throwing his clothes off and getting under covers, and you do the same. He moves restlessly for a while, before settling down. When you listen hard enough, you can hear his breathing even out. You want to listen to it for a little longer, but sleep devours you.

Out of nowhere you open your eyes. You feel like you were asleep only for 15 minutes, but the light coming through the window tells the sun is about to rise, so you have gotten a couple hours of sleep. You squint your eyes to see the clock, but your glasses are on the small table next to the bed and you can't see anything without them. You start to grab them, when suddenly you feel your hand is otherwise occupied. It's hanging off the edge of the bed, holding another hand. You roll closer to look down next to the bed, and you make out a human-sized lump lying on the floor. You grab your glasses with your free hand and put them on. Then you look at the floor again.

There's Harry, wrapped in his sheets like a burrito, only his face and the hand holding yours coming out of it. He looks calm.

 _And adorable_.

You smile at the sleeping form and turn to look to the bedside table. The clock on it shows 6:20am. Your alarm is usually on at 6:45, and even when you don't have it with you it's not unusual for you to wake up way before the alarm. You have no idea when Harry's alarm will ring. But your body is awake.

You turn back to watch Harry again, enjoying the moment just a little bit longer. Your brain tries to pull together some bits and pieces, trying to figure out what your next action with Harry should be. Should you just tell him about your feelings? But it's way too soon. But if he feels the same, then what does it matter if it's too soon? But if he _doesn't?_ Maybe you shouldn't do anything until you figure out how serious you are about this.

You shake your head. Figuring things out in your brain was never your forte. You need your notebook to be able to sort out things like this. So you give up the thought, and just enjoy feeling Harry's hand in yours. It's a bit sad that he has chosen to sleep on the floor instead of climbing next to you in bed, but it's very likely due to his respect for you. He wouldn't climb in the same bed with you without your conscious consent.

After 15 minutes you decide you've enjoyed the moment enough - well, not enough, but you're hungry enough to want breakfast and you hate getting ready for the day in a hurry. You gently separate your hand from Harry's, careful not to wake him up. He mumbles something, but you can't hear what. You kind of want to tell him to move to bed, but he probably has a maximum of 45 minutes left to sleep, and you don't want to disturb it.

So you get up and pull on your clothes, and quietly tiptoe out of the bedroom. You enter the bathroom to do a quick wash on your face, and borrow some mouthwater. You straighten your clothes and groom your hair with your fingers. It's not like your regular routine, but it does improve your energy levels already. Just when you're ready to walk out, you spot something from the corner of your eye. Is that a...

_Yes. It is a dildo. In Harry's shower. Sitting on the little shelf, next to a bottle of shampoo. It has a suction cup on the other end, so it has probably been attached to the wall by it._

_Oh fucking hell._

You feel a blush rising to your face, there's no stopping it. Your brain rises to the occasion immediately, producing very vivid images right away. Harry wantonly taking the dildo inside him, pushing back to it desperately, feet almost slipping on the shower floor. Wet. Hot. His moans echoing from the walls around him. Not getting it fast enough, not hard enough, but he's still enjoying it. Trying to prolong the pleasure, but his patience doesn't hold, and he has to grab his cock and-

 _Stop. Move away from this bathroom_.

Your brain doesn't want to stop. It wants to think what if it was you instead. Behind him, pushing into him with forceful thrusts. He would babble, you're sure of it, beg and plead. You'd stroke his neck gently, then grab his hair and pull, and his back would bend and you would have to use all your strength to keep him upwards when he surrenders, willingly, and then-

_STOP. Keep going like this and you will not be able to leave this bathroom in at least 15 minutes._

You take a shaky breath and step backwards, ripping your gaze off the shelf. That's something private, not meant for your eyes or your brain. You step outside and close the door behind you. Deep breaths. Okay. Stop imagining it. Do something else. What were you planning to do?

_Breakfast. Right._

Ignoring your racing heart and brain, you move to the kitchen, and straight away put on a coffee machine and check out the closets and the fridge. Harry has already cooked twice for you, maybe it's time you introduce some of your skills for him. You decide to make quick banana pancakes. As quietly as possible.

By the time you're almost ready, you hear Harry's alarm. You glance at the kitchen clock: 7:00. You hear him make a grunt and smash his alarm quiet. There's a moment of silence.

"Kim?” you hear him question, voice all soft and sleepy. Your poor heart.

"I'm in the kitchen", you call out to him. After a while he steps in, still wrapped inside his burrito. _So cute_. Also, exactly how much clothing does he have under that?

"You're here", he says, sounding amazed.

"Yes", you answer matter-of-factly, ignoring the overwhelming desire to _at least_ hug him close.

Harry laughs happily.

"To be honest, for a while I thought I had ended up drinking after all, and dreamed the whole thing", he says, then takes a big sniff. "Ohhhh what's this smell?”

"Just some pancakes", you say and drop the last one from the pan to the plate. Harry comes closer and stares at the pancakes like they're a gift from some higher power.

"They smell delicious. I'm starving", he says and then turns to look at you. "You made breakfast." He looks at you so adoringly, and that paired with the mental images your brain still flashes in the background of your mind make your ears attempt to warm up. You try to, but can't stop it, you feel the blush rising on them.

"That I did", you continue professionally anyway. "Now go put some clothes on and we'll eat."

Harry leaves with a grin on his face. Meanwhile you set the table, digging up jam from the fridge and trying to calm down your overactive hormones. You also pour two cups of coffee and bring them to table. At that point Harry gets back and practically sprints to the table. You don't need to tell him to help himself, he practically attacks the pancakes. You eat more peacefully.

"Mmmmmmmm Kim, these are so good!" he moans happily. You try to be annoyed by him talking with his mouth full, but you only feel happy. Then you take a closer look at him. He looks a lot better than last night.

"Are you feeling any better?" you ask him. Harry seems to check in with himself, before nodding.

"I really am. I'm not happy about how the case turned out, of course, but I don't feel like I need that drink anymore. Or anything else either. Thank you for staying the night. It really made me feel like someone's got my back on this", he says sincerely. Then looks a bit embarrassed. "And sorry for intruding the bedroom. I don't remember how I got there. Probably had a nightmare or something."

"It's okay. You didn't intrude", you tell him with a smile.

"Okay, good. Good", he says slowly and smiles back at you. You look at each other for a while. There's an emotion in the air and it prickles you. The moment stretches, seeming like neither of you can turn their gaze away.

Finally, Harry lowers his eyes. His cheeks are slightly red. He frowns slightly and then shakes his head. Some inner conversations. Then Harry glances at the clock. "Oh, we need to hurry up or we'll be late."

When you arrive at the precinct, you see Judit and Jean going through familiar looking material. It's the hit-and-run case, still unsolved. To be honest, you have given up on that getting solved, since every lead just dries out one after another. Not all cases can be solved.

"I figured I'd take a look at it now that it's been a few days. Maybe I got a new perspective or something", Judit explains when she notices you walking closer. "Or maybe my new partner can get something out of it", Judit waves at Jean. He shakes his head.

"You've been very thorough with the case. Not all of them can be solved", Jean says. Judit sighs deeply.

"I know, I know. And it is almost impossible to move from here. We still don't even know if the poisoning and the hit-and-run are connected. And there seems to be no reason for anyone to poison her either. But that kind of poison isn't all around, you can't accidentally get it from tap water or something", Judit says. She's clearly frustrated. You get it. It is annoying to hit the wall with investigation. But by this age you've also learned to let go of a case when it stands still.

"What's up with you guys?" Harry asks when he also walks to the table, where Judit and Jean have spread the casefiles.

"We're just going through everything we know about the hit-and-run once more", Judit tells him too. Harry nods and takes a look around the desk. He tilts his head and goes straight for the photo of a victim, bloody and bruised after getting hit by a car.

"Why thank you, I think so too", Harry says, clearly "answering" to the picture. You glance around, waiting to see some weirded out expressions, but no one has batted an eye. On the contrary, their eyes are focused on Harry and Judit looks strangely hopeful.

Jean gets another chair and pushes Harry to sit down, which he does like he's not even aware of it. His whole attention is on the picture, and you recognize the look: he's having some kind of conversation with it inside his head. Since Judit and Jean are also watching him closely, you feel comfortable doing it too. Harry doesn't say anything out loud anymore, but you can see happiness, then sadness, doubt and traces of other emotions cross his face.

Finally, after many minutes, he sighs and lowers the picture. Then throws it back on the table.

"She was a good one", Harry says wistfully.

"How so?" Judit asks. Jean digs up paper and a pen, like ready to take notes.

 _They've done this before. They know the way Harry works. They're ready to hatch on any nonsense he babbles, because it might actually be a legit lead_.

"Well, she just wanted what was best for her. She was willing to do anything for her", Harry says.

"Okay for who?" Jean asks. Judit answers right away.

"It sounds like that would be her sister. They were very close", she says. You know this too. You talked to the sister. They basically grew up with just the two of them, while their parents couldn't figure out their lives enough to start being parents to their two girls. Even as grown ups they depended on each other with everything. She had been crushed when she heard her sister died. She kept forgetting it, thinking she would come over any second, just like before.

"She wanted to give her a gift", Harry says, looking slightly sad suddenly. "But it is ruined now."

"What kind of gift?" Jean asks, scribbling down something on the paper. Harry looks at the ceiling, falling silent for a while.

"Is it a gift, or a curse, really? Having to exist in this universe, in the middle of all this", Harry then wonders out loud. Jean seems to write everything down, even if it isn't an answer. You feel the need to be in on this as well and dig your personal notebook up, opening it from the page you used when you met with the sister. There's nothing new. The basics. Nothing that isn't on the official casefiles. Except.

 _She looks tired. Severely underweight. But still taking care of herself_.

That doesn't seem relevant. But Judit is looking at you closely now.

"If you got something we don't have here, just spill it", he says. Jean turns to look at you too. Harry is still in his own thoughts.

"I don't think it's relevant to the case", you say.

"Well, tell us anyway. When we get stuck, we have these brainstorms where we just throw up _everything_ we can come up with, no matter if it seems relevant or even possible. And then look if anything interesting comes out of it. At that phase you can't hold back. We only start ruling out stuff after the brainstorm", Judit says, then grins. "It is a method taught us by none else than our Harry here."

At that, Harry seems to wake up and turns to look at Judit.

"Me? I taught something to you?" he asks in wonder. Jean huffs.

"We upgraded the whole C wing and you were on the lead here, of course you taught everyone this and that", he says, voice sounding a bit gruff, but still almost friendly.

_Happy to tell Harry something nice about his past for a change._

"So, spill it, Kitsuragi", Jean tells you.

"I noted that the sister was severely underweight and looked tired, but like she still takes care of herself", you satisfy their curiosity. Jean writes it down. Judit hums, thinking deeply.

"Yes, I agree with that", she says then.

"Was she thin and tired looking enough to be sick?" Jean asks.

"Definitely. I would even say it is possible she has been sick for a long time", Judit answers, nodding.

"Or she is just upset that her sister died", you suggest with a slight frown.

"That's the most likely reason, but let's not shoot down any theories", Judit says, a slight heat of excitement rising to her eyes. "Also, it hasn't been that long. It's not possible to lose weight that quickly, so even if she has lost her appetite for the last week, she would've still been very underweight before."

The conversation gets heated, as all of you come up with weirder and weirder possible theories. It's almost resembling a kids game more than actual detective work, but you find yourself enjoying it anyway. It is nice to let your imagination run wild. You were pretty tired when you got to the precinct after getting only a couple hours of sleep, but the brain game is waking you up nicely. It goes on for a long time, until.

"Maybe it's not the sister after all? What if there's someone else, who has gone missing?" Harry suggests.

"Another missing person case?" you ask, almost amused. Harry laughs.

"And that's what you always come up with when there's nothing else left to consider", Jean tells him. "So we're probably quite done right now. And I'd say we've been quite focused on the sister. We should talk to her again."

"Yeah, we have plenty of material to make her some new questions", Judit nods at Jean excitedly. You look at the "material" critically. If someone was to make questions based on this, they will probably be...

_As random as the questions Harry tends to make. The ideas that seemingly come out of nowhere. Questions that seem irrelevant, until one of them fits._

You suddenly feel like the random material you've brainstormed is very important. It's like a little window, showing you a part of how Harry's mind works. All sort of irrelevant information gathered up, messed around with and somewhere, below all of that, an idea of where to go next.

"Dick Mullen and Kitsuragi, you coming?" Jean asks. Harry shakes his head.

"No can do. Captain just dropped these off, there's like 5 new cases. Also there's the paperwork of yesterday's. We can't all four go on one case when there's a queue like this", Harry says, glancing at the pile of papers sitting on top of the desk behind him. You're slightly disappointed. You would've actually liked to see how the sister will react to the new approach, and the possibility of the case starting to move again feels satisfying.

"Well look at you, mister responsibility", Jean says with a light tease. Then he turns to look at you. "Anyway, I think Kitsuragi should accompany Judit. It's your case after all. Me and shitkid can start with this... Nightmare", he gestures to the pile of papers with a slightly disgusted face. You think your eyes might have betrayed your suspicious thoughts as Jean continues almost right away. "No worries, we'll be nice as pies."

Then you look at Harry. He looks slightly surprised, but happily so. Not at all worried. So you nod.

"That's alright with me. Officer Minot?" you confirm with her. There's no hesitation in her eyes as she nods. She's excited and very determined. It's infectious.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I really had some struggles with this chapter, for some reason I just started disliking it. I tried to fix it one way and then another, but it didn't get any better. So in the end I'm just publishing it in its original form, with all its irrelevant parts and jumpy writing. I liked writing it and I also liked reading it before I decided to publish the story at all, maybe it's just a brain thing.
> 
> Also, if all the parts with the crime solving mentioned are beginning to feel like fillers, don't worry, that's exactly what they are! I had no interest in writing crime, so there's literally as little of it as it is possible without just writing "they police." Sorry about that.

You were pretty excited about the possibility of the case starting to move again. But you didn't expect for it to start unraveling like this. Like you found a loose thread in a piece of clothing and started pulling on it, slowly taking apart the whole thing. The sister is indeed sick, and in need of a new kidney. The victim was a willing donor for her, but unfortunately an unsuitable one. They had been waiting for matches in line for almost two years. Then they got a suggestion for a trade from an unofficial source. In other words, black market.

It sucks you in for a few days. You're going through the papers, making interviews, doing the whole Jamrock shuffle. You feel slightly bad when it's the third evening in a row of you telling Harry that you're still too busy with the case, but he doesn't seem too crushed about it, he just smiles at you and tells you to not work too hard. Occasionally you see him and Jean come and go at the precinct, often slightly bickering, but in a way that sounds harmless.

When once again you are stuck for the evening, going through too many pages of hospital records with Judit, Harry and Jean drop by with actually good coffee and some food. They even agree to go through some of the records to help. You suspect it's less about wanting to help, and more about finding the case more interesting than the ones they've been on.

"So, we're left with 50 possible people who would want to have our victim's kidney. Assuming they are also here on the official hospital line and not just in black market", Judit summarizes after you've gotten through the horrible stack of papers.

"I think they would be. If they really need a kidney, they will be in every possible line, legal and not", Jean says.

"And someone really wants them to not get it. Enough to poison other, innocent people", you note.

"And afraid enough to not murder them directly, instead aiming for so called natural death by sabotaging the treatment", Jean completes.

"Damn this whole poisoned kidney business", Judit curses.

"Wait a minute", Harry says. All of you turn to look at him, suddenly realizing he has been oddly quiet for a long time. He looks around the precinct, like seeing something in front of his eyes, though there's nothing there. He frowns and shivers slightly. Then turns to Jean. "I think I'm having a déjà vu?"

"Of what?" he asks. Harry turns to look towards the stairs.

"I need to-", he gestures to the stairs and then leaves briskly. All of you look after him for a while, but when you start hearing some ruckus, you stand up and go after him.

You follow the noise to the archives, where you see Harry has opened some file cabinets and is going through them quickly and almost aggressively. He's throwing some of the files to the floor, probably because the files in the cabinets are so tightly packed together he can't browse them.

"What are you doing! You're messing up the system!" Jean exclaims. Harry just waves his hand.

"It was already messed up, I would know, I tried to organize it for two weeks", he says indifferently. "No no _noooo_ it's not this one, which cabinet is it?!" his voice is almost a shout.

"Detective", you give him a warning command, your voice just carrying over the racket he produces. He stops and stares at the files, unmoving. Then he sighs deeply and mumbles something.

"What did you say?" Jean asks almost angrily.

"I said", Harry raises his voice. "That with pyrholidon I would get it."

"Fuck that shit! What are you even looking for?" Jean inquires with annoyance.

"I don't know. A connection. A bridge in time", Harry answers, his voice now slightly defeated. Then he turns to look at you again. There's a slight desperation in his eyes. You walk closer to him.

"It's okay, detective", you tell him. "The thought is already in your head. Just... Think it."

"I can't!" he exclaims with frustration.

"Try anyway", you tell him calmly, ignoring his outburst. He blinks at you a few times in confusion. Then he lets his eyes wander around again, slowly, looking almost angry. Suddenly they stop at one of the cabinets. He's staring at it, looking slightly doubtful. You push his back slightly to that direction.

"If you feel like it, open it", you tell him carefully. He doesn't look at you as he nods.

This time he's not raging around. He just walks to the cabinet, opens it and starts going through the files. He lifts a couple of them away to make room, but instead of throwing them on the floor he places them there carefully. His fingers are quick and effective as he browses the files. You glance at Judit and Jean on the door. They are watching Harry, but as they sense you watching them they also turn to you. Judit throws you an approving smile and a nod, while Jean squints his eyes just slightly, looking pensive.

"Okay, yes, this. The poisoned kidney", Harry says suddenly. His voice is a bit trembling, but he walks towards you with slightly more confidence. He hands the file to you. You open it, eyeing the first page report quickly.

It has the same, rare poison in it. The victim was donating a kidney as well, as a part of a long donation chain. The victim got to the surgery, where unfortunately he died quite mysteriously. The surgeon's statement says everything was going fine, until it suddenly wasn't, and nothing they did helped. They didn't proceed with the kidney transplant, which was lucky since autopsy later found large amounts of rare poison in his body, which made the kidney absolutely unfit for donation. It would've most likely killed the already sick receiving patient. It also ruled out any doubt of malpractice by the surgeons - the victim would've died within just a couple days, no matter if he made it till surgery or not. He was too dosed with the poison to be saved.

Your heart beats in your chest while you browse through the file. It's only 3 years old. You glance at the names of the officers who worked on the case, and you don't recognize them. But they did an alright job documenting what they had found out. They got stuck though. Case unsolved.

You lift your gaze to look at Harry, who has been looking at you. He lifts his brows in question.

_Waiting for you to confirm this actually could be connected, and not just random lines his brain draws_.

"It could definitely be related", you tell him. He looks something like a puppy who just got told he is a good boy.

_You want to pet his hair and then rip him into a searing kiss._

You don't. You hand the file to Judit, whose eyes widen as she reads it. Jean is also peeking over her shoulder, and he lets out a quiet laugh.

"Well I'll be damned, Dick Mullen", he says and shakes his head, but then frowns. "You spotted this in the archives and didn't say anything earlier? Would've saved Judit and Kitsuragi a lot of work."

"I didn't organize this part of the archive, I haven't seen the file. I just. When you said the words poisoned kidney, I suddenly remembered someone else said those words too. Right there", Harry turns to tell Judit.

"I believe you. And no worries. It's a good thing you remembered that at all, we probably would've missed it. We checked the previous cases about poisoning and black organ market, but it seems like this was classified under... Minor acts of violence?" her brows rise as she glances at the cabinet Harry dug the file from.

"Shit, we really need this place organized", Jean says tiredly.

The old casefile reveals that the one needing the kidney had been Hugo Girard. He is also on your list of matches. But he left the waiting line a year ago. No reason told. That opens up a whole other line of investigation, which the four of you keep working till the morning.

"Good morning, officers", you find yourself waking up to a loud, clear voice. You startle just a little. When did you fall asleep? You straighten your glasses and slightly rub your arm. It's numb. You've probably slept on it.

"Morning, Captain", Judit says with a yawn. Your brain catches up.

_Wait. Captain?_

Suddenly you notice Captain Pryce is standing next to the desk. You quickly straighten your back, stand up and offer him your hand.

"Captain Pryce, it's an honor to finally meet you. Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi", you introduce yourself. He grabs your hand and shakes it. His grasp is firm.

"Yes, good to finally meet you personally, lieutenant. I hope you've liked the challenge our precinct offers", he says with a charismatic smile.

"I have", you tell him honestly.

"Good", captain says, and then turns to look at the rest of the table. Judit looks tired but she's awake. Unlike Jean and Harry, who seem to be happily sleeping against the table. One of them is softly snoring, you don't know which one.

_You hope that you didn't look like that when Captain Pryce arrived._

"I got your report on the case you're working on. Connecting it to the old case, too. Great work", he tells you and Judit.

"Thank you. We've had invaluable help", she answers him. Captain Pryce looks at the two sleeping men with slight amusement.

"Certainly." He then raises his voice slightly. "Vicquemare! Du Bois!"

His voice is effective enough to wake both of them up immediately. Harry startles so badly he hits his toe to the foot of the desk, and he curses silently.

"Good evening, Captain", Jean says and then corrects himself. "Or good morning, it seems."

"Yes, what he said", Harry gestures to Jean and rubs his eyes.

"Indeed. Four of you are now working on this case, if you were in the middle of something else, leave it for now. I'm also assigning two junior officers from D-wing to you, they'll help with anything you need. Mister Girard is a high profile person with notable assets, and if this case does involve him, it's vital that we get it solved, especially because the older case never was", Captain Pryce tells you. Harry frowns slightly.

"But if Mister Girard is also connected to this new case, it means that he is currently operating in the black market. Won't it be bad for him if we expose that?" Harry asks. Captain tilts his head slightly.

"Of course we won't expose it. We'll just expose the one who keeps poisoning people to stop him from getting a kidney", he explains. Harry doesn't look happy, but he doesn't ask more questions. It seems like the captain senses this. "Listen, Du Bois. Mister Girard has great amounts of money. Something that we need to keep solving crimes, especially now that there's something completely different coming at us, and we don't know what. We need that money. Mister Girard might be acting in the black market, but so far we haven't heard of him doing anything bad there. So we'll leave that be. For the greater good." Captain Pryce speaks calmly, but resolutely. You are slightly star struck for a while. That man has an amazing charisma, and suddenly you can't believe you are actually working here, in precinct 41.

"Questions?" the captain asks and looks around.

"No, sir", you are the only one answering, the others just shake their heads no.

"Good. Solve the case", he says and turns to leave, before stopping just for another second. "And get some sleep once in a while, won't you?" His voice is just a little gentler as he says it. Then he leaves.

The table is silent for a while.

"So... Is anyone feeling tired?" Jean asks.

"Nope, I think I got a good couple hour nap right here", Judit admits. You can see there's a red line and some ink going across her cheek, her face was probably pressed against her notes.

"I'm fine", you say. You turn to look at Harry. He has a somewhat faraway look in his eyes. "Detective?”

"Harry!" Jean shouts as Harry doesn't react to your voice. He blinks out of his thoughts.

"What?" he asks.

"Do you need to get some sleep? Go rest for a couple of hours and come back then?" Judit suggests. Harry shakes his head.

"No, I'm not tired, I was just... Remembering something, I think", he says slowly.

"Again? Something to do with the case?" Jean asks.

"No. I think it's about when I actually started to _like_ working at the police, instead of doing it to please _her_ ", he answers thoughtfully. You're curious, but Jean definitely isn't.

"Forget about it for now! We have work to do", Jean says. Harry seems to focus fully back on present day as he nods and smiles a little.

"Yeah."

It's a few days worth of work, work and work. It all feels strangely communal, and you start noticing the differences in precinct 41. There's so much more work to do, but people also get glued closer to each other. There's some rivalry, but not nearly as bad as in precinct 57. There's just no time for it. But things get heated more often, and it seems like people openly argue or even fight when they disagree, instead of trying to keep up the professional face till the very end. And the humour is definitely much, _much_ darker. You're also surprised by how well the assigned junior officers are treated. Sure, there is some taunting and such, but it's buttered up with humour and genuine advice.

_They want these officers to stay in their precinct. They want to teach them. Give them real work, but safely._

You don't regret your past, but it could've been a bit different if you spent it here instead.

The case keeps unraveling, and after interviewing mister Girard you and Judit are in the nearby parking lot, inside Kineema, spending the evening by watching if anyone comes or goes to his house now that he knows you're investigating.

"Everybody seems to be _so_ good and wonderful people here", Judit says with distrust as once again you sit back inside Kineema. "That's just not possible. There has to be someone who's not perfect."

"Mm", you agree. "But I do feel like mister Girard genuinely doesn't have any idea who would not want him to live. He seems to think everyone he knows loves him."

"They probably act like it. He has money, everyone wants a piece of it", Judit says. _Even us_ , she leaves unsaid, but it is hanging in the air.

You sit quietly in the car for a long time, watching the house and going through your notes. Until Judit gets bored enough to break the silence.

"So, how has working with Harry been?" she asks lightly.

"Good", you answer simply. Judit waits for a while.

"You're not going to ask how my work with Jean has been?" she asks with a smirk. You smile slightly.

"You're professional enough to work well with anyone. But how has it been?" you ask, as she clearly wants to tell you.

"Very good. He's in so much better mood, it makes it so much easier for him to focus on work. And while I do think that he and Harry always got work done and often had fun while doing it, I think they sometimes fed each other's destructive behaviors", Judit talks freely. She trusts you enough to keep the things she tells you just between you two, and not try to take advantage of them.

"Are you worried about them working together again?" you ask. She shakes her head.

"No. I think Harry is very different now. And I think that has shifted something in Jean, too", she thinks out loud, then looks at you. "But seriously, you are the perfect partner for Harry. You can practically _steer_ him. Jean used to dream about that being possible. Harry was always a great detective, but he's often all over the place. We thought that if we could just harness his brain he'd-"

"He's not a workhorse, and I definitely don't _steer_ him", you interrupt a bit tightly. Like Harry could even be steered anywhere he didn't want to go?

"I didn't mean it like that!" Judit exclaims, clearly regretting the way she worded her thoughts. "I should've just said what _he_ said: You're a beacon. You make him see the directions better. He doesn't get so lost."

You glance at her.

"I don't think you should share that with me behind his back", you tell her. Well, you can't unhear it anymore. And it's really making your heart beat so strongly you can feel it in your fingers. Judits eyes are gentle.

"Maybe. But I think you should know", she says. It's quiet again for a while, before she continues.

"I don't know what you are afraid of. I don't know how things were at your previous precinct, but no one here is a homophobe of any kind, we have a fair share of different kinds of people", she tells you, even a slight note of sharpness to her voice.

"I'm not afraid of that", you tell her.

"Well you can't be afraid of Harry's reaction? He's basically in love with you by now", she says, slightly desperate.

"He's not-" you start, but Judit interrupts you 

"Did you just not hear what I told you? He pretty much said you're the light of his life. If that's not an _'I'm in love with him'_ then I don't know what is! You're the detective here, so detect that!" she exclaims.

"Well, he didn't say that to _me_ ", you say stubbornly, even though the back of your brain is pretty much convinced she has a point. Your voice carries the air of authority, making it quite clear you don't want to discuss it anymore.

There's a long silence.

Then Judit lets out a small laughter. It also makes your lip twitch and you breath out the tension from your neck.

"I'm sorry. It's not my business. We've been spending god knows how many days together, and somehow I've been absorbing your pining energy. I suffered with similar stuff not so long ago, so it's still fresh inside me, I think I caught the frustration part of it", she explains with amusement.

"Really now?" you ask with dry humor. Judit nudges you slightly with her elbow. "I will keep in mind what you said", you add, as your own apology. Judit smiles at you.

"Anyway, should we head back to the precinct. Nothing's happening here. We could have the junior officers come here for another couple hours", Judit suggests after another half hour of watching nothing happen.

"Sure", you say, barely stifling a yawn. Judit doesn't bother stifling hers.

"I could really use a good sleep. I feel like we haven't gotten one in many days", she sighs.

"We'll take the rest of the evening off today. Our investigation is not in such a critical state that we couldn't afford it", you tell her. She nods.

But when you arrive at the station, Harry and Jean are practically running past you in... _what_ , party clothes? Harry has his black fishnet top on with the goddamn bowtie, and even though Jean's clothes aren't as disco - _oh god, where did that word come from?_ \- you've never seen him in such casual and colorful clothes. But you don't have time to analyze further.

"It's his _son_! We need to go now, he's probably trying to make a run for it!" Jean shouts at you. Your tiredness is once again gone, as seems to be Judits, and you run after them back to the cars.

"We'll take Kineema", Harry tells you, and his eyes make his thoughts pretty clear.

_He doesn't mind working with Jean. But when the shit is about to get serious, he wants you to be there_ _with him._

It's really satisfying to let your inner speedfreak out and speed along the streets of Jamrock. With care, of course. Harry smiling and looking at you with the ' _you're so cool'-_ eyes doesn't hurt either. It's making you feel like you're full of life.

And at the end of the night, you catch the suspect. He's not denying what he's done. More like he's relieved to finally be out with it. Tired. Sick of everything. You really didn't need to hurry so much, this man wasn't going anywhere. Still, even though the final work is relatively easy, it takes time to drive there and back, and fill in the initial paperwork. You all decide to leave the actual report for a different day.

"So, what's with the clothes?" you finally ask Harry and Jean.

"Oh, we couldn't get the hold of Mister Girards son right away, but we found out his ex-wife was throwing a party and decided to see if we can get in", Jean says and then gestures at Harry. "I tried to get him to change into something more normal, but for once his stubbornness paid off: the party was filled with people dressed in all sorts of fishnets and leather, he fit right in."

"His ex-wife was super nice. She had a lot to say. Mister Girards son hasn't been the most stable person, and his father has definitely been in control of most things in his life. I didn't tell her he was suspected of murder, of course, but the more we talked the clearer it got he would have the motive and the ways to do it too", Harry continues.

"So she just told you this?" Judit asks in wonder. Harry coughs slightly.

"Well I... I shared some things about myself. I don't know why, it just felt good to talk to her", Harry tells uneasily.

"You followed your gut, Dick Mullen, and it was the right call. She definitely felt pity for your messed up sorry arse", Jean laughs and Harry shoves him lightly, which results in yet another round of bickering.

_Delinquents_ , your mind offers. Yet you find yourself smiling lightly.

"Well, anyway, that's two cases down!" Jean exclaims after the bickering finally dies down. All of you exchange some tired Ace's highs and lows. There's laughter in the air. "So, we're celebrating this right? We'll get an honour mention out of this, it demands for a celebration", Jean demands. Harry instantly pulls off some weirdly funny dance moves.

"Hell yes! Disco time!" he shouts.

"I'll let the juniors know, they've definitely pulled their share" Jean says. Harry is still pulling off some dance moves.

"Aren't you tired at all?" you ask him. He laughs.

"Nope. Probably pumped up on adrenaline", he says with glee. You kind of feel him. You are not tired, instead you feel like you could run a marathon. Excitement is buzzing inside you. But you know it's temporary, and when it wanes down you'll be more tired than ever. And well, maybe all of you have earned some celebration. Even if you would rather celebrate by going to bed and waiting for adrenaline to wear off, and then sleeping for 20 hours.

_Really?_ No. Maybe before. But now spending some time with your coworkers honestly sounds better than jumping at the walls in your apartment, waiting for the initial adrenaline crash to come, when you finally can fall asleep. It's a weird feeling. You've always considered yourself a bit of an outsider, but here you're feeling less and less like that.

"Okay, we're good to go!" Jean exclaims, dragging two just slightly tired but eager looking junior officers with him.

"Thank you for your assistance on the case. Great work", you tell them honestly. You didn't see a lot of them, but you know you assigned them a lot of background jobs, and all of it ran pretty smoothly. The junior officers look at you with clear admiration and slight pride when they hear your words.

"Thank _you_ , lieutenant Kitsuragi", one of them says.

"We're really happy we could help", the other says and is about to say something more before Jean interrupts them.

"Yeah yeah, now stop kissing his ass and let's go!" Jean rushes on. As more room becomes available in the entrance, your eyes momentarily meet Harry's. He's looking at you with an admiration similar to the junior officers', but with some kind of twist.

_He thinks you're super cool. Also, he really wants your approval too._

Judit being right beside you makes it too awkward to say anything, but you give him a slight nod and a hidden smile. His delighted smile almost gives you a heart attack.

Your trip ends at the nearest night club. It's pretty packed, and that's when you properly realize how late in the evening it is. It doesn't matter, all of you are wide awake now. There's some shots and drinks, which you politely decline, and so does Harry. Though he is running to the dance floor so quickly that he barely has any time to even decline. You stay at the bar for a while, conversing with the young officers, before you can't contain your rising need to be closer to Harry again. It's slightly alarming how the thought pushes its way to the front of your mind, but on the other hand, it's no longer unexpected. And the days filled with work have made you feel like you're experiencing some sort of withdrawal from Harry.

_You're basically craving the butterflies at this point._

You excuse yourself and get away from the bar, pushing yourself closer to the dance floor where you last saw Harry heading. And then even the last of your regrets about not staying in the bed disappear, as you spot him on the floor. He's lost in the rhythm, dancing like he was alone in the room, laughing slightly while doing so. You note that Jean is almost next to him, quite close quarters with Judit, but you can't pay attention to it any longer, your eyes are glued at Harry, who is pulling the craziest dance moves.

And now you finally have time to properly see what he's wearing: he has the silly black mesh top on, with a black, short leather jacket on top of it. And quite tight, ripped jeans, which hug his legs, showing you all of the nice shapes. And on his neck, the light pink bowtie, worn more as a choker than as a bowtie. His hair is messy, and by his ruffed mutton chops it's easy to tell he hasn't had time to pay attention to his looks. But he looks good. In a slightly messy, trashy and wild kind of way. Which you guess is some kind of secret preference of yours, at least when it comes to Harry. He looks like he wants to be trashed. And you kind of want to trash him, in the best way possible.

You feel the adrenaline hum inside your over-tired brain as you walk towards him. When he spots you, his face instantly brightens. Then he seems to read something from you as he suddenly looks also slightly flustered.

"H-hey, Kim!" he greets you. You're feeling brave and electric, so you drop the subtlety and let yourself openly _look_ at him, from his shoes to his face. Closer like this, his neck really looks tempting with the bowtie on it.

"You look good tonight, detective", you lean closer to tell him that. He looks happy and even more flustered.

"You too, Kim. Though you always look good", he says with adoration.

_Fuck. Those eyes._

"Well, don't stop because of me", you tell him, spreading your hands and catching just slightly the rhythm of music in your body as well. You're not going hard at it like at the church in Martinaise, just moving enough to get Harry back into moving. But he's not going hardcore anymore either. He's moving to the beat, but keeping his eyes on you. His dancing is softer, and you can't - and don't want to - stop your eyes from admiring the movement of his legs, and his hips, and the way the leather jacket droops from his shoulder just slightly. You gaze at the bare shoulder for a few seconds before raising your hand to grab the jacket, lifting it back up, and in the process pulling Harry slightly closer to you. His hand instantly rises to your chest for balance. You let your hand lower, slowly, down the jacket. Some small voice in your brain asks you if this is a wise thing to do, but you feel like you simply can't _not_ do it. Your hand lowers until the jacket ends and you get to the mesh shirt, on his waist, and finally, on his hip. You leave it there, letting it move together with him, and you don't know how he'll react to that but by god you are drunk with desire. You lift your gaze to look at his face.

_And ah, there, the butterflies- Well, it's just for a moment, they probably died by the molten lava that your insides turned into._

Harry's eyes are closed and his mouth is just slightly open. Enjoying the moment. Then he opens his eyes, looks at you and licks his lips. He changes the motion of his hips. It goes from slight swaying to something that resembles pornographic. Your breath hitches slightly, and your fingers squeeze his hip. There's just a tiniest of smirks on his lips, when he flutters his eyes down for a while, and then back at you. His hand from your chest gently moves to your shoulder. His head tips to the side ever so slightly, baring the side of his neck.

_Oh, he might look flustered, but he has been paying attention to you, estimating the best way to tempt you._

You bring him closer by his hip, and he comes easily. You let yourself admire his neck, get closer to it, so close that he can feel your breath on it. You feel him shiver, and the hand on your shoulder tries to pull you closer. You'd want nothing more than to press your lips on his neck now, make him lose those controlled seductive movements. But even in the adrenaline infused bout of randiness, your brain kindly reminds you that you are in a public place, in the middle of people. This is actually not the place you want to do those things in.

So you don't press closer. With your free hand you grab his hand away from your shoulder and tug it against your chest for a while as you retreat slightly.

"I could stay at your place tonight", you suggest daringly. It takes Harry a while to get back to this world, but when does, he nods.

"Yeah", he says, voice a bit hoarse. You start withdrawing your hand from his hip to make some distance between you, but Harry puts his own hand on top of it.

"You can leave it there. I'll be good", he says, and it's a damn close thing you don't just grab him and get out of here.

"You'll be good", you mumble, but leave your hand there, releasing the one that's holding Harry's hand to your chest and bringing it to the other side of his hips. His hand gently falls back on your chest, not trying to bring you closer, just resting there as you dance.

You get to enjoy it for a long while, you don't even know how long, you have lost track of the time completely. Your mind is almost empty. Who knew disco could be so meditative?

Then, you hear a familiar voice again.

"Harry! Kitsuragi!" it's Jean, on the side of the dance floor, trying to locate you from the mass of people. He's not successful, and no wonder. You don't know if he's 110% drunk or if he's just that tired, but it's like his eyes see nothing. He is waving a bottle of something in his hands. You glance at Harry, who nods and together you slither out of the dance floor. Jean spots you only when you're right next to him.

"There you are!" he sounds delighted. "Our juniors had a great idea. We should toast! Haha, you heard it, _toast_! When was the last time you toasted to anything? I can't remember. Didn't toasting go out of style? Well, it's back in!" Jean's voice and his steps are uneven as he leads you to a table nearby. There, the two assisting junior officers - who appear to be slightly drunk, but more tired - and clearly very sleepy Judit are waiting.

"Don't worry, I got the non-alcoholic one", Judit immediately says as you and Harry get near enough.

"You got _what_?" Jean asks.

"Nothing. A good drink", Judit says to him, and he accepts it.

"Good, good. Now, a toast", Jean says as he handles you and Harry your glasses. "To hard working police officers!" he shouts and you toast.

"To a full night's sleep!" shouts Judit and you toast again.

"Hardcore", Harry mumbles incoherently and downs the rest of his drink. You taste yours, and even though it's way too sweet, you find yourself so thirsty it's easy to finish the drink.

"Man, I'm so tired", one of the junior officers shakes his head. "I think I ought to go home."

"We all ought to do that", Judit says, and seems to toast to it by herself, with an empty glass. "My brain is not working properly anymore", she notes out loud, shaking her head. "Taxi?"

You go outside to get a taxi, and you get it pretty quickly. The taxi driver drops one of the junior officers first, and then arrives at Harry's place. No one bats an eye when you also get up there.

"Night guys, don't die", Jean wishes you half asleep. You're pretty sure Judit is unconscious, but Jean is holding her in a sitting position lightly and you feel comfortable leaving her with him. When the taxi is gone, you grab Harry's hand.

"Let's go, it's ice cold here", you say. It's probably not ice cold, but you're really sleep deprived.

When you get inside, Harry basically sprints to the bed, only kicking his shoes off before he gets under covers. Your mind doesn't give you any warning signals as you get to the other side and sit down. You throw away your shoes, jacket, pants and the top shirt, then get under covers as well. It feels like heaven to finally lie down.

"Detective, you can't sleep with all of your clothes on", you tell Harry disapprovingly. He squints his eyes at you.

"You didn't take off your socks", he says, like that's equally bad. You reach towards him and start pulling the leather jacket off of him. He whines slightly but helps you in the process. It's a bit of a struggle that leaves both of you laughing quietly. After you're done with it, your hand goes to the button of his jeans.

And you freeze there. Suddenly your brain catches up with what your hands are doing, and you lose your breath for a second. Harry seems to experience the same. He looks at your eyes, searching. Your mind plays through your moments together with Harry like a movie. Especially tonight. You're trying to remember if there's one single thing to give you a reason to think he wouldn't be interested in more than friendship with you. You can't find anything. Judits words are ringing in your ears and you blink slightly. You look straight at Harry.

"Is this okay?" you end up asking. He takes a deep breath, thinks just for a while and then nods. You let out some of the tension you were holding in your shoulders, relieved. You open the button, pull the zipper down, and pull Harry's pants slowly away. He's wearing plain, white underwear, but for some reason they're the most exotic thing you've ever seen. You stroke your hands on his legs, rising up from his ankles to his calves, to his thighs and finally his hips again, taking a hold of the fishnet top.

"How about this?" you ask softly, and he nods again.

"Yeah", he almost whispers. You pull the shirt gently off of him, letting your hands lightly travel on the bare skin that's revealed. He trembles just a little. Your hand finds his neck, where the bowtie rests.

_Just take it off. It would be too forward to just go ahead and kiss his neck right now. Right? Right??_

Your fingers slightly stroke his neck, and continue to do so even as you lift your gaze to his face. His cheeks are softly red, and he moistens his lips with his tongue. Then, just a little, he tilts his head back on the pillow, like in an invitation.

_Well. Fuck it._

You take the invitation. You press your lips on his skin, and hear Harry's deep intake of a breath. You breathe in through your nose, inhaling his scent. His hand comes to rest on top of yours on his neck. You kiss again, and he dips his head even further back. Your carefully constructed self control slowly crumbles down. Just gently, you let your teeth touch his skin.

"Mmmmh", Harry lets out a long hum that's slightly filled with desperation. And you can't stop yourself anymore. You bite down, lightly sucking the skin between your teeth.

"Ahh-ah, _Kim!_ " Harry's breath comes out almost as a silent exclaim, surprised. But definitely pleased, no doubt. His back bows just slightly.

_Again._

You press a couple of light kisses on your way to a different spot, where you sink your teeth next. Just a little bit harder.

"F-fuck", Harry gasps, his hands now tightly squeezing and pulling on your t-shirt. He has turned slightly on his side, his body facing you. You let your hand travel down from his neck, to his back, all the way to his ass. Harry pushes against your touch, relishing in it. You squeeze with your hands, pulling him closely against you. And damn if it isn't just the thing you have been craving. He practically glues himself to you, his other leg trying to wrap around yours. He's getting hard inside his underwear. So are you. The pressure feels intoxicating.

You let your kisses on Harry's neck turn to just gentle little pecks as you stroke him from his ass to his upper back. He's pushing against your touch like a cat, beautifully responsive, while his breath comes out as light panting. His hands are touching your shoulders and arms, but they're clearly unfocused, unsure, just trying to hold on to you and not really knowing where to go. You take a hold of them and settle them around your shoulders, and instantly he grabs you tightly, pulling you closer, and your brain is chanting _yes, yes, yes, yes_ . Grabbing his bottom again, you let your hips make the gentlest pushing motion against him. Harry lets out a soft _ohhh_ , and you let your lips travel to his ear.

"Does this feel good?" you ask in a low voice, knowing quite well it does. Your voice against his ear makes him shudder.

"Yes, _yes_ ", Harry answers shakily. His hips start responding to your motions, pushing back against you. It makes him release a helpless gasp, and your whole body responds to it with another heat wave. The eye of your mind already sees him fully naked, spread on the bed, letting those gasps turn to loud moans as you'd push into him, and he'd be grabbing the sheets like he is now grabbing the back of your shirt.

" _Fuck_ , the things I want to do to you", you murmur softly and push your hips together harder. You can practically feel his dick jump against you, and he presses his face to your shoulder, like trying to hide the shuddering, quiet groan that comes out of his mouth. But you hear it, and it just keeps on fueling your desire. Then there is the quietest of whispers.

"Anything, do anything", Harry's whisper is filled with desperation, want and longing, and you think there is some sort of growl that actually came out of you.

"You should be careful, making wishes like that", you tell him, letting your lips lower to his collarbone to press wet kisses on his skin. His hips are rubbing against you, and it's almost getting to a desperate pace, losing the rhythm.

Until suddenly it's not. Harry retreats slightly. You open your eyes to look at him, and he is frowning, like focusing on something, and he's panting hard.

"Harry?" you ask gently, lightly stroking his side. He whines.

"I'm - I'll. If we-", he shakes his head, and then opens his eyes to look at you. He looks as embarrassed as he looks horny.

_He's like 10 seconds away from coming if you keep going on like that._

A hot wave rolls over you at your realization. There's a very livid image of Harry helplessly coming in his underwear just from rubbing against you, and it's really pushing all of your buttons. You have imagined many things about Harry before, but not that. But now that you have, you cannot stop thinking about it.

"Could you come, just like this?" you ask him with a slight tease, as you move one of his legs just slightly outwards so you can roll yourself between them, spread his legs and press him onto his back, settling against him tightly. Harry opens his mouth, but no words come out, and he squeezes his eyes shut.

_Just the sight of you on top of him is making him feel all sorts of things that don't help his problem._

"Would you?" you specify your question and lightly tap Harry's cheek to make him open his eyes again. He looks confused. There's just a hint of shame in there, but also an urgent need and want. "Would you like it, if I just kept going, _making you_ come all over yourself?" you ask him with a low voice, letting some authority to slip in it just to let him know you expect him to answer. You're basically teasing yourself, saying these things. You punctuate your words with just the slightest press of your hips against his. Harry throws his hand in front of his face while he moans quietly.

_Oh, he wants it._

"Yeah", he whispers his admission almost in mortification. He closes his eyes again, turning his face to the side, his lips tight.

_Like bracing for a bad reaction. For disgust. For shame_.

You gently grab his hand and pull it away from his face, pressing gentle kisses on it.

"Good. Cause I would really like it too", you say softly. A slight disbelieving expression flashes on Harry's face as he opens his eyes, before turning to one of pleasure again as you start gently rubbing against him. "Oh yes, Harry. I'd _really_ like it", you continue in almost a whisper and enjoy feeling him trembling against you. And then his legs come behind you, gently pulling you closer.

You grind against him and he keeps breathing out those delicious gasps, his hands restlessly twisting your t-shirt. The friction is amazingly good. It feels almost juvenile to do it like this, but it's so, _so_ delicious, especially watching Harry quickly come undone beneath you.

"Kim, _Kim_ , nmmmmh", Harry's gasps finally turn to full moans, climbing to another octave and his legs are basically shaking around you while he's still trying to desperately hold himself back.

"C'mon, don't hold back on me. Show me how much you like this", you tell him teasingly. He is watching you behind his almost closed eyes, mouth hanging open with the moans and pants.

"K-kimm", he whines softly. You grab his cheeks between your hands and press a soft kiss on his forehead.

"You're doing so well, Harry", you say in a low voice and push against him hard. Just for a second he looks at you like he was about to thank you, but then his eyes close and he bites his lip so hard you think it'll start bleeding. You feel how every muscle in his body seems to tighten for a second, before they release in slight trembling and _oh fuck_ he's coming. He throws his head back and keeps letting out small sounds of _yes, oh, Kim_ , and you can feel his cock jump right against yours, time after time as he comes.

"Fuck, yes", you mumble in amazement as you watch him, still pressing against him until his legs finally relax. You pet his cheek as he slowly opens his eyes. He looks so out of it you can't help but smile. He smiles back at you. Then he glances downwards. You move back a bit as he lowers his hands to his underwear, pulling them down just enough to reveal his softening cock and the mess beneath. You wish you could take a picture to capture this sight forever.

Harry hums contentedly and brings one of his fingers down to the liquid on his skin. Then he looks straight at you, as he slowly brings the finger back up and takes it in his mouth for a taste, letting his eyes close for a second.

_It's a show, put on for you. He's wants to see your reaction._

It's very effective, you'll give him that. It feels like your head heats up and your lungs involuntarily take a deep breath in. You squint your eyes lightly at Harry, and he just moans with delight, a barely hidden smirk flickering on the corner of his lips. Then he stretches under you, gently bowing his lower back and lets out a deep satisfied sigh.

_Fine._

You push your underwear down to grab your own hard cock and press it tightly against his now soft one. This feels like a relief for you, but oversensitive Harry gasps silently and lazily tries to move away, not really trying at all. Your hips easily follow his, making him whine a couple more times as you grind against his moist front, before you take a grip of yourself and start pulling and yeah, you're not that far either. All that adrenaline combined with this whole event with Harry has done a number on you too.

You only have time to stroke yourself a couple times before you feel Harry's hand stopping yours by your wrist.

"Please, can I?" he asks breathlessly, or more accurately: he begs. You clench your teeth as a shiver goes through you.

"Of course", you answer as evenly as possible. You remove your own hand just to let out a deep sigh as moment later Harry's hand is around your dick. To your surprise, he's no longer hesitant. He starts a sure, strong pace with his hand, trying out some different grips and twists, each bringing up hot surges of pleasure inside you.

You watch his face. He's looking at his hand on you, focused, amazed and blissed expression on his face. Then he looks at your face, and blinks, like not really believing you're there.

"Kim", he whispers reverently. The sound makes your heart pound in your chest. He sounds like he's holding something sacred, something he's in awe of.

_If that's not an 'I'm in love with him' then I don't know what is._

His hand makes a particularly tight stroke and your thoughts weave in with the pleasure, gently dipping you over the edge. Your eyes slide tightly shut as you add to the mess on Harry. You distantly hear Harry's pleased and adoring hums as you come down from your high. There's no strength left in any of your muscles.

_Well, that was pretty fast, but definitely one of the hottest things you've experienced in a while. A long while._

You let yourself slide next to Harry, and take a look at your shirt that you still have on. Lost cause for now, it's all messed up. You swiftly get it off of yourself and use it to wipe off your skin too before throwing it on the floor. Harry does a pretty similar action with his underwear. You rest your head on a pillow right next to him, pressing a couple of light kisses on his shoulder. You're so damn satisfied, you can't even remember the last time you felt so languid. And at the same time, you wish you weren't so tired and could just start again. Or just chat. It would be pleasant to hear his voice right now.

But you're probably like 2 minutes away from passing out. Your eyes have closed, as you can't see Harry anymore.

"Harry", you whisper.

"Hmmh?" he mumbles back. He sounds like he is almost asleep as well.

"I'm falling asleep", you inform him.

"Yes. The adrenaline is done", Harry informs you. It feels like he's using the last of his strength to pull the covers up properly, over both of you, and tug you closer to him.

"Good night", you say.

"Mmm. Yes. Good night, Kim", he barely answers you. It's only a couple seconds later when you hear a light snore coming out of him. And then you're out.

You wake up slowly. It's like your whole body has been asleep for ages, and it feels stiff to start moving it. You reach to straighten your glasses that you recall never removing, but they're not on you. Just by a hunch you test the bedside table, where you indeed find your glasses, but even as you put them on you let your eyes fall shut just for another minute. The previous evening is quickly returning to your brain in little bursts, and it makes you slightly frown. You definitely don't regret it, and you would do it again, but also you kind of wish you would've had time and energy to have a talk. Just to make sure you're on the same page. And maybe just cuddle. But what a night. There's time to talk.

_Why is Harry so far away from you?_

You open your eyes at your sudden thought and look next to you. Harry is right there, almost on the edge of the bed, and he's lying so still that you can't even feel if he is breathing. He's on his side, fully awake, monitoring you carefully. His eyes are slightly red, which makes you frown even more. Didn't he sleep well? Or has he been crying? At least he's been showering, that you can tell by his still a bit wet hair and a fresh smell of soap surrounding him, and he has clean clothes on.

Harry practically flinches at your deepened frown. Why does he look so... hurt?

"Hey", you start softly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Everything's fine", Harry answers immediately. He sounds everything but fine.

"Harry", you say his name softly, asking. His gaze turns down and he gathers strength for a while.

"I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that", he says quietly. Taken advantage... what? Of _you_? What?

"What are you talking about?" you ask, maybe a bit too harshly. He flinches slightly again.

"I said I was sorry", he repeats desperately. His hand on the bed crawls close to yours, but doesn't touch it. His face is miserable. You have absolutely no idea what's going on.

"Harry, I don't understand what you're apologizing for", you tell him honestly, softer. He releases a shuddering sigh.

"I know well enough you'd want nothing like... that... with me. You worked on the case for many days and we finally solved it, you were tired and excited, I know what that's like. And still I... I took advantage of the situation", he says with shame. Your brain is trying its hardest to make sense out of what he's saying. So, he thinks that you were just horny yesterday, and he took advantage of _that_? There's no logic in it. But you know his brain doesn't always follow logic, so you try to get to the feeling behind his scrambled thought process.

He thinks that it was a mistake on your end. A mistake you made when you weren't in your right mind. A drunken mishap, if you'd like, even if there was no alcohol included. And he thinks he tricked you into it somehow.

_And he still doesn't realize you actually have feelings for him_.

Well, leave it to Harry to read the most obvious clues wrong. Human can opener, yep.

_But was it obvious? It's not like you kissed him and told him how wonderful he is._

Did you even kiss him? That's what you've been wanting to do. But now you remember that you kissed him on his neck, on his ear, on his shoulder and on his collarbone... But you didn't kiss _him_. And the whole thing was quite physical, hot and fast and somewhat dirty. If you didn't know better, you might also consider it just an adrenaline discharge. At least if you didn't vividly remember Harry's eyes, that's not how you look at a random shag.

"We can still be friends, right?" Harry asks you, and his voice is filled with barely hidden stress and fear. You realize you've spent a while just quietly thinking.

"It's not like that at all. I wanted it, and I'd do it again", you tell him resolutely, trying to choose words that his mind can't twist. He blinks at you.

_He believes you believe that right now. Probably thinks you still haven't realized the mistake you've made. It's not a good time to try and convince him, he's on the edge and stuck inside his head._

You sigh and grab his hand.

"No matter what happens, of course we'll be friends", you tell him, feeling a bit ridiculous for saying it. It doesn't sound like something an adult would say. But it doesn't matter, Harry deflates with relief and his expression instantly looks more peaceful. You try to gently pull him closer to you by his arm, still craving to have his scent and and his arms around you, but he instantly lets go of your hand and rises up.

"Ah, I washed your shirt, it should be all dried up soon. I'll go check", he says, giving you an unnatural smile that doesn't actually look happy, and then he's already out of the bedroom door. You turn to look at the ceiling, like it could offer you some insight on this whole thing. It doesn't.

Obviously this thing was a bit too long of a leap all of sudden. You can understand that. You weren't quite expecting it either. But where you became more sure of your feelings and of them being reciprocated, Harry just became confused.

No matter. You'll fix it.


	7. Chapter 7

You never thought that Harry was an easy person. He's complicated, somewhat unstable and unexpected. Still, you find yourself slightly surprised by him once more.

It seems like your night together is basically forgotten. You and Harry fluently go back to your previous ways of doing things, like nothing changed at all. But now you do notice how true Judits words had been. How did you ever think Harry was not interested in you? He's so happy to just spend time with you, even if you're so busy with something you barely acknowledge him being in the same room. And when you do acknowledge him, he's like an excited dog, hanging on to your every word. Now that you know to look for it, you can also see how many aborted moves to touch you Harry makes. You can see he was about to grab your shoulder, but held himself back at the last second. Almost taking your hand when he wants to hurry somewhere, but instead making a weird, unnatural waving motion with it.

But it doesn't go the other way: If it's you who gently pats his shoulder, he's in no hurry to get away. Which is nice, because after the night with Harry it's been a lot harder to  _ not _ touch him. It's like once you already let yourself loose it's hard to rein it back in, and you find yourself stealing little touches here and there. Just quickly straightening the collar of his shirt, wiping some invisible dust from his shoulder, gently touching his back when you walk past him... And it doesn't help that every time you do it he looks so damn happy. But you also notice that if you get too brave and do or say something that gets him even slightly flustered, he will start looking guilty in five seconds or less.

_ He likes you. And feels guilty for doing even that _ .

Or then he's projecting. He thought that you were the one who didn't want him and you made a mistake, but what if it's really the other way around? You don't feel like this is the answer, but you have been surprised by Harrier Du Bois before.

You snap your notebook shut with annoyance. You've been making some mind maps about this situation, which has helped you get the whole picture about it. And it has left you feeling frustrated. You never thought that Harry was an easy person. But so far you've found very good ways to deal with his brain, and getting stuck like this is a new thing. How can you show him you have feelings for him, when any hint of that only makes him pay attention to him liking you, and making him feel guilty?

The back of your mind already knows the solution.

You need to  _ say it _ . Like a preschooler to their crush.  _ I like you _ .

It's not an easy thought. Even if it is easier to open up to Harry than it has been for any other people in a long time. There is still a hidden worry of rejection inside you, no matter that the logical deduction tells you it's pointless. And you doubt if you can get your mouth to actually word your thoughts. Besides,  _ how _ do you actually tell someone you like them?

"What's got you thinking so hard?" Judit asks you as she walks past your desk, stopping next to it. You think about telling it's the case you and Harry are working on, since the file sits on your desk, ready to be used as a cover.

_ But wouldn't Judit be the ideal person to practice using your words on? It's nothing she doesn't know already, she won't mind if you talk about it. Just try out how it comes out of your mouth. _

You quickly glance around to make sure no one is close enough to hear you talk before opening your mouth.

"I'm thinking of how I'll tell Harry", you say, and then need to cough a little to keep going. "Khm. That I like him."

Right as you say it out loud, you feel your ears heat up and you press your fingers on top of your eyes, shaking your head slowly. That sounds so stupid.

"Finally!" Judit sounds excited. "Are you going for some grand romantic gesture?"

You turn to look at her with a disbelieving expression.

"Romantic?" you almost choke on the word. There's no way you'll pull off any grand gestures- but is that expected?  _ Should _ you? You're aiming for a relationship here after all, it's not like you've been doing a lot of that, it's always just... temporary companionship.

Judit chuckles at your expression.

"So I guess that's a no? Well, to be honest I think Harry would probably faint if you did", she says with amusement. You gather your composure before talking again.

"Do you think Harry is a romantic person?" you ask in a professional voice that might as well be a doctor asking if he has any family members with high blood pressure.

"I don't know. He might be, at least he used to love all sorts of sappy romance books and cry about them. But I don't think he acts very romantic. Have you seen how he tries to flirt?" Judit asks and grimaces slightly. Then she spots your thinking expression and nudges you. "Don't overthink it. Just tell him. You'll figure out the rest later."

At that moment the door opens and Harry walks in. He has two cups of coffee in his hands, and his face lights up with a wonderful smile as he sees you and Judit.

"There you are, Kim! Hey, Judit!" he greets. "It's the most beautiful weather outside. We have a case. And I have very good coffee. For you, Kim, de-caf, unsweetened, dark and toasty. So, are we ready to go?" he asks you, and the way he presents the take away cup to you is almost like a funny little dance move.

"I've been ready for the last 20 minutes. And you don't need to bribe me with coffee, I am fully capable of working early without it, unlike some", you look at him meaningfully, hiding a smile. Harry keeps presenting the cup and doing a little shimmy. You lift your eyebrow. "Let me guess, you already had some coffee?"

"Just a triple espresso", Harry admits with a grin, then gestures to the other cup in his hand. "This is only a mocha latte."

"You'll get a heart attack!" you sigh with amused desperation.

"I know! But I was really feeling like coffee today. It's the breeze outside! Cold and warm at the same time!" he explains happily. You roll your eyes.

"Fine, let's go", you say, taking the casefile and standing up from the desk. Harry is already sprinting out of the door.

"Kim", Judit says and you turn to look at her. She looks encouraging. "Don't worry."

You press your lips together and nod. You're almost about to walk away when you need to say one more thing.

"Khm. Thank you, Judit", you tell her a bit awkwardly, but sincerely. She smiles and nods back at you.

The day is eventful and full of Jamrock shuffle. At the end of it, you sit on the bench in front of the precinct, resting your tired legs and finally wondering about your thoughts and feelings in peace. Well, almost in peace. During investigations today Harry found an old looking football in the trash.  _ Might be relevant _ , he had said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

It hadn't been relevant to the case, but it was relevant to Harry. Well, maybe just a little relevant to the case. Harry had carried the ball with him the whole day, and it just happened that when you interviewed a mother with an 12 year old child, Harry's suddenly found ability to perform some cool tricks with the ball made him bond with the silent and sulking preteen, and the mother was much more willing to tell every possible thing she knew.

And now, Harry was on the yard, finding out what exactly he could do with that ball. He was pretty good. Not perfect. But clearly someone who had done it before, for a very long time.

You glance back at your notes. There's a pretty messy thought process about you and Harry. But the result is a clear one. You want to be with Harry, more than as a friend or as a work partner. There is a risk that his stable phase won't last, but that risk is with anyone. People can change, for better or worse. But right now, you like Harry as he is. You  _ really _ like him as he is. You have a connection you haven't felt before. And about the possibility of losing his friendship... You don't think that would happen. In the unlikely event where Harry was to turn you down, you're pretty sure he would still like to remain friends. You have no idea how you would deal with that. But on the other hand, you don't like to deal with the current situation either. And at the end of it all, the possibility of it working out. It's worth the risk.

But he isn't taking light hints, and he definitely isn't taking heavy hints. So you need to tell him. With words.

Decision made, the only thing left is to act. As you put your notebook away, mind set, it feels like some heavy burden has been lifted from your chest, and the lightness sets free all the butterflies that you've buried within your cavities. Instead of trying to calm yourself down, you embrace them, letting them flutter excitedly everywhere, setting you ablaze.

_ First change you get, you'll tell him. No excuses. _

Fluently you stand up from the bench and walk towards Harry, who's currently trying to kick the ball of the ground and get it balanced on top of his head. When the ball runs away from him, you put your foot on top of it and look at him with a silent challenge.

"So, you truly are a former gym teacher, huh?" you tease.

"I suppose I am. I think I remember some of it. The smell, the sounds. But not really teaching", Harry answers, grinning. You start carefully kicking the ball as you walk, and Harry follows you. You purposefully shield the ball and lift an eyebrow at him.

"Really? After all of the awesome skills I've shown?" Harry asks you, and there's a little competitive sparkle in his expression.

"Well, I was in the Juvenile Crime Unit for 15 years, I bet I know some tricks you don't", you tell him confidently.

"Hmmh", he hums, acting like he's not really interested. You can tell he's bluffing, and so you are well prepared for the attack he makes at the ball.

And there you go. To a battle filled with breathless laughter and kindly shouted curses. In the end, Harry has the ball, and no matter what you try, you can't get it away from him with your football skills.

"Okay, fair's fair", you lift your hands and walk closer to him, with a friendly expression on. Harry is triumphant.

"That's right. I've still got it", he boasts. You walk even closer.

"Yes, you do", you say, pulling up your most innocently seductive expression, while you gently touch Harry's bicep. "What do you think the winner should get for a prize?"

Harry blinks at your hand and then his gaze flies to your mouth, for just a moment, before reaching your eyes. He blinks.

"Um-" he starts, not taking his eyes off of you. Then he squints. "Wait a minute-"

But it's too late. Taking advantage of his momentarily shock, you've already kicked the ball away from his feet and gone after it yourself. When you get it under control, you turn to look at Harry and give him your widest smile. Harry has crossed his arms, but he's smiling at you fondly.

"That's cheating", he notes. You shrug.

"It's a trick among others."

"True. We didn't really set any rules", Harry says. "Besides, even if I knew that was a trick, I would probably fall for it every time." His voice turns soft towards the end of his sentence. You let the ball go from your feet and walk back closer to him.

"It's not just a trick", you tell him.

"Hey, you already got the ball-", he starts.

"It's. Not. Just. A. Trick", you interrupt him, punctuating every word. All of the teasing has fallen away from your face and from your voice, and you're looking at him with gentle authority. Harry looks through you, like trying his hardest to read your mind. You know you have a tendency to cover your emotions, and right now you are really trying not to do it. You see him hesitate and get to some kind of inner conflict.

_ He's afraid he's misinterpreting the situation. _

_ Or thinking how to let you down gently, don't be so sure of yourself. _

_ Oh my god he's thinking how to let you down gently, isn't he? _

Suddenly the butterflies inside you turn into heavy rocks, dropping to the bottom of your stomach. How were you sure about this just a couple minutes ago? You can still turn this into a joke.

"You can't possibly mean-" Harry interrupts your thought, obvious of your inner turmoil. He looks into your eyes, desperately searching for something. You don't know what.

_ Don't back out now. Be direct. Don't let him misunderstand this anymore. You need to say it, now. _

"This eye-game and mind reading is really getting us nowhere, so I'll just say it straight. I'm interested in more than friendship with you, Harry", you say, and your voice sounds almost harsh because of all the courage you put into it. Harry looks arounds, like there might be some other Harry you are speaking to.

"Me?" he asks then, pointing at himself.

"Yes, you", you say, rolling your eyes. The sudden nervous energy is making you almost snappy.

"More than friendship?" he then asks, like he's never heard of it before.

"Yes. As in a possible relationship, or at least going on a date, seeing how it works. I... like you, Harry", you tell him. He still looks dumbfounded.

"You like me?  _ Like  _ like me?" he asks. You grit your teeth together and sigh. If this is how low you have to go, then so be it.

"Yes, why not that. I  _ like _ like you."

Harry thinks for a while. By his rapidly changing expressions you can guess his inner monologue is something along the lines of  _ no way, hell yes, but what the hell, anyway lucky me, but poor him, now you're overthinking, you should say something, no really what the fuck _ . Finally it settles into a pensive little smile, and his eyes focus back on you.

"Okay", Harry finally says, in a surprisingly even tone.

"Okay?" you ask. He nods. He is still looking for something in you and you think he finds it, since his lips turn into a gleeful smile, and a light blush comes to his cheeks.

"Yeah, okay. Very okay. Extremely okay. Disco. Also, me too. With you. You know ", he blabbers and then shows you the finger guns. Then immediately seems to regret it as he runs his hand through his hair awkwardly. "Bada bing bada boom. Yep."

You stare at each other for a while, and then you feel a smile climbing to your lips too.

"Okay", you repeat once more, holding in laughter bubbling inside you. Harry sees it, and his eyes squint in shared amusement, even if it is partly on his expense.

"Mmhm", he agrees, clearly zipping his mouth shut so no more words come out of it, and goes to fetch his ball.

You really thought that was it. And at first it looks like it was. He snuggles next to you on his couch while you discuss everything from Chesters new haircut to  _ 'if you had to choose to be blind or deaf, which would you take.'  _ He stops trying not to touch you, and right when you're off work - he senses you're not much into public displays of affection - he likes to hold your hand anytime it's possible.

Still, during the next few days your immeasurable happiness fades a little. Even though Harry seemed to accept your intentions and you're very sure he is returning your feelings, he still seems to be held back by some invisible force. It's clear that every now and then he just suddenly remembers to think he's not good enough for you or you can't possibly actually like him. You can see it in his pained, longing expression as he retreats from whatever interaction you were having, especially if you are getting near to the point where you could  _ finally _ kiss him. You're not trying to push anything, but once in a while a moment just comes where you feel you both want to kiss, and then suddenly he seems like he's in actual physical pain and changes the course. You knew that it was wise to take things slightly slower than the last time, but this is something else than wanting to take it slow.

Also the constant holding back and thinking he's not good enough is really putting Harry on edge.

Or at least that's what you think, as you watch him go through another trash can almost angrily, and slapping it when nothing of interest is to be found.

"Gosh! What even is the point of you!" he exclaims to it, then grabs it from the sides and starts shaking it. People around turn to look at him with alarm.

"Detective", you snap. Harry stops shaking the trash can and turns to look at you. "Consider leaving the trash can alone now." Your voice isn't angry, but there is enough authority for Harry to look ashamed. He lets go of the trash can and looks at it for a while.

"I'm sorry", he says. You're about to say it's fine, when he starts petting the trash can apologetically.  _ Of course _ he's talking to the trash can.

"And I'm sorry, Kim", he then says to you as he leaves the trash can alone.

"It's fine, detective. Now come on, we've gone through the trash of this whole street. I don't think our suspect left anything behind", you remark.

"You're probably right. Should we - wait, what's going on there?" Harry has turned to look further away to the other side of the road. There's a little park with a couple of trees and a swingset, and there seems to be a small gathering, everyone watching up to one of the trees. Before you have time to answer, Harry is running there and you go after him.

"Hello, we're from the RCM, what's going on here?" Harry asks as he gets inside the circle of people. A small child stands next to the tree, tears in her eyes. A man, probably the father, has kneeled next to her and is trying to comfort her.

"Nothing to worry about, officers. Little Lily's cat just ran off and climbed to this tree, and it seems like it's too scared to come down. We called the fire department to come help with it, but it could take a while so we're keeping watch", the father explains, softly petting the girls - Lily's hair.

"It's been too long, Button is getting scared, and hungry", Lily says sadly.

"I'm sure it won't be much longer", the father consoles and glances at you. "We've been here for almost two hours, that's why there's so many people." There's just a bit of shame in his voice.

"We will save Button!" Harry declares proudly. You turn to look at him.

"I don't think we can do that", you say emphatically.

"Will you? Please help Button!" Lily has now turned her pleading eyes at you. You're about to explain and apologize, but then you spot Harry taking off his shoes. "Detective, what are you doing?"

"I can't climb with my shoes on, I need to have my feet bare", he explains, like it's obvious.

"You won't be climbing anywhere", you insist. He looks at you, frowning.

"Kim, we need to save that cat. You heard him, Button has been there for almost two hours! He must be so stressed, poor kitty cat", Harry says with pity. You rub your temples and shake your head.

"Fine, if you have to. Here, take my gloves, at least you'll get a better grip", you hand him the gloves from your hands. He looks at them like they're one of the most precious things he has ever held in his hands, and gently pulls them on.

"Thanks, Kim", he says with a soft smile. You melt just a little bit, and when he turns to walk to the tree you grab his shoulder.

"Just. Don't fall, okay. I don't want to see any broken bones or bloody heads", you tell him quietly. He pets your hand quickly and smiles.

"Don't worry, I think I've done this before. I really want to climb there", he assures with a soft blush on his cheeks. You see Lily and his father look at you, so you drop your hand and cough slightly.

"Okay, Lily, is Button a friendly cat?" Harry turns to ask the girl.

"Yes, he's very good", she nods. Harry cracks his fingers and goes to grab the tree. He takes some experimental grips on it, and then starts climbing. You recall him climbing the ladder in Martinaise, and though this progress is a lot slower, his movements look quite similar. He is careful, but confident. The people around the tree are looking intently, whispering excitedly. Harry gets to the branch where Button sits quietly, but he's too far to reach. Harry climbs to sit on top of the branch, and slowly pushes himself towards the cat. Suddenly, there is a crack, and some weakly attached twigs fall from the tree. There are gasps.

"You can't go further, that branch is bending way too much", you yell at him. He waves down at you.

"Yeah yeah, I know", he sounds carefree, and you cover your eyes with one of your hands for a moment, shaking your head. When you open them again, for your relief Harry hasn't moved forward. He's making some sort of cat summoning sounds and talking softly to it, while reaching his hand forward.

"C'mon Button, Lily is waiting for you. She's so worried. I can't come there, you need to come here", you hear him coax the cat. For a while, nothing happens, until finally the cat decides to slowly approach Harry. He pets the cat softly, and when he sees it's friendly enough, grabs it carefully, opens the top of his coat and hides the cat there. Then he looks down and shows you thumbs up. You sigh once more.

Climbing downwards seems almost more difficult than going up, since Harry is trying to be careful with the cat inside his coat. When he successfully lowers his bare feet back to the ground, people around applaud. Harry is slightly out of breath as he goes to Lily, and opens his coat to let Button out.

"There you go, your friend is okay", he tells her, and she is jumping with joy.

"You saved him!" She hugs the cat close to her. The father looks at her daughter with a fond smile and then turns to nod at Harry.

"Thank you, officer. This probably isn't a part of RCM's job description", he says.

"Nonsense. We help people. And cats", Harry says and grins.

"Thank you thank you thank you!" Lily shouts excitedly and hugs Harry. Harry hugs back.

"It was good meeting you and Button", he says as he detaches.

"Wait!" Lily suddenly shouts. She hands Button to her father's arms and digs something up from her pocket. "Here. You can have one." She has a very small booklet in her hands, and she peels off something from there. Harry looks at it.

"Oh that is so adorable", he says excitedly. "Hmmh. Wait a second." He goes through his pockets and finds his badge, opens it and presents it to Lily. "Here, stick it on the corner here", he tells her and Lily does just that. You peek up behind his shoulder to see that it is a small cat sticker, now on the corner of Harry's badge. He turns to look at you.

"Look, Kim, isn't it cute?" he shows it to you. You feel Lily, her father and possibly some people nearby watching you, so you stop yourself from staring at Harry with hearts in your eyes. Why must he be so ridiculous? Ridiculous and cute.

"Khm. Sure. Very nice decoration", you say professionally and nod.

"Thank you, Lily", Harry says to her, and you can tell she is overjoyed with how precious her thank you gift seems to be.

You bid goodbye to Lily, her father and Button, and leave the tree. Harry puts his socks and shoes back on. He looks like he's filled with energy.

"That was refreshing", he laughs.

"Yes. But for today, let's be done with aerobics. How about we go back to Kineema, go get some lunch, and then get back to our actual investigation", you suggest.

"Yes, that sounds like a plan, I'm starving!" Harry exclaims and his steps are long and confident as he starts walking towards the place where you left the motor carriage.

When you sit in the car, Harry hands your gloves back to you. You take them, and grab his hand to inspect it. It's a bit red, but not irritated, and there's no scratches. You nod approvingly.

"The gloves really helped, thanks Kim", Harry says happily. You glance at him. Then, instead of letting go of his hand, you lift it even more and bow to press your lips to the back of his hand. Harry's breath hitches.

"Wh- Kim?" he asks with a shiver. You don't say anything, just press your lips on a different spot. Then you turn his hand, and press the next kiss to his wrist. You feel his pulse beat wildly beneath your touch.

You lift your gaze to look at him. His eyes are a bit glazed, pupils wide, and there's a nice warm blush on his face.

"That was for doing such a good job", you tell him with slight humor, and Harry let's out just the smallest whine, barely loud enough to be heard. It lights up a sudden fire inside you, and you get a strong urge to just climb over to his side and kiss him for so long that whine turns to hot moans. You don't do it. You're in the middle of Jamrock, in a car, and it's broad daylight.

Instead, you kiss his wrist once more and then lower your hands, just gently stroking his with your fingers. Harry seems to be lost in a feeling for a while, as he just looks at you with a dreamy look in his eyes. And then you recognize the familiar, painful look return as he wakes up from the trance. He doesn't pull his hand away, but he doesn't hold on to yours either, he just looks at your hands resting there, expression turning darker very quickly.

"Really, good job, Harry", you say to disturb his thoughts which no doubt are turning into a festival of belittling himself. He blinks at you and then smiles just a bit.

"I feel good about it", he tells you.  _ Good. _ You finally let go of his hand as you prepare to drive.

"So, what do you want to eat?"

One of the things that have changed after your talk is how Harry keeps staring at you, and blushing as you smile when you spot him. It's very enjoyable, you really like to see him blush. Also if you happen to manage an eye contact when he's in the middle of something, he might deliciously stumble with whatever he's doing.

_ Damn he's so edible. _

This is what you think as you watch Harry drop some papers as once again he was caught looking at you, and you threw him just a slightly flirty smile.

"Geez, Kitsuragi, you'll give our shitkid a heart attack", you suddenly hear Jean's voice next to you. You quickly school your face to 100% professionalism. It's slightly awkward. You're not in the habit of displaying this sort of behaviour in the work setting, but this whole situation has gotten you a bit careless.

"Khm. I apologize for my unprofessional behaviour", you say stiffly. Jean frowns at you.

"Take it easy, not everything has to be so god damn serious", he tells you. "But seriously, take him to bed before he destroys the whole precinct."

Your eyes widen.

" _Officer -"_ you start incredulously, and he smirks.

"You might have a perfect poker face, Kitsuragi, but Harry sure doesn't", he interrupts. Then his smirk falls away and he lowers his voice to almost a whisper. "But seriously, think about this carefully. Getting attached to Harry is no joke, so I would make sure you're up to it. And if not, just quit it now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" you ask him without a hint of emotion. He shrugs.

"Just that you should really think about the consequences. That if it doesn't work out, and you leave Harry behind, he'll be as broken as he was after that lady of his. And I think it would be even worse. Look at him, he's smitten. You could play him anyway you like to", he doesn't actually look at Harry, just makes a hidden gesture with his eyes. His voice isn't accusing, but it is tinted with provocation.

"I don't need to discuss my personal matters with you", you tell him curtly.

"True, you don't", he says. He's not trying to intimidate you. Nor tell you what to do.

_ He is just worried about Harry. _

You don't want to give personal details away, but there's probably no harm in assuring him just a little bit.

"I'm not playing with him, I'm waiting for him", you say, your voice making it clear that's absolutely everything you will say on the matter. Jean watches Harry for a while and then nods.

"Yeah, he would stall, wouldn't he", he says knowingly, more to himself than to you. You say nothing. Then he turns to you. "You should push a bit harder. Harry has an amazing amount of self hatred in that head of his, if you let him just move on his own pace he might run those circles forever." You still say nothing. Not a muscle moves on your face. Then, when he still opens his mouth to say something, you lift your eyebrow and stare at him with full authority. He makes some aborted movements and then coughs.

"Well, yeah. Good day", he finally says awkwardly and walks away.

You roll your eyes. Precinct 41 is indeed very different from precinct 57. Back there, you could have never imagined someone coming to talk to you about your personal affairs. They didn't even know your sexual orientation. On the other hand, you didn't ever feel safe enough to reveal any part of it. You had some nice coworkers, but you kept your personal life very far from them. Here, even though it is a bit unpleasant, it's also nice to not need to hide so much. Or is it just that you know that Harry will reveal everything anyway, and have subconsciously accepted it? You don't know.

But maybe there is something to Jean's words. Harry is clearly still in some inner circle of turmoil, even though he knows your thoughts now. Maybe he won't get out of it on his own. Jean is surely right about the amount of self hatred inside Harry's brain.

You reel in your teasing for the rest of the day, and after lunch you get another set of a good exercise running after Harry on the case. But to be fair, you think you're starting to catch up to Jamrock Shuffle. You don't feel nearly as tired, and light jogging is starting to feel like just a regular way of transporting. Also you are kind of starting to get opening the containers. They... contain things.

Harry has also noticed this.

"Can't believe you used to make fun of my obsession to open containers. I barely opened any today, you were so quick!" he laughs at you.

"I didn't make fun of you. Besides, I came here to learn from the best", you say and nudge him lightly, giving him just a hint of flirt. "And I definitely didn't open all of them, just a couple."

"Yeah yeah", Harry grins at you. You walk so closely together you keep brushing against each other.

"I was thinking. I've been to your apartment a few times, so how about you come to mine?" you ask. He stops on his tracks and looks at you, like he's realized something horrible.

"Kim! How have I not been to your apartment! We need to have a housewarming party!" he exclaims. "We'll have some good food, and dessert! Also some refreshing drinks. And a dance party!”

"I don't think my apartment is the best place for a dance party", you say, amused about his sudden enthusiasm.

"We'll figure it out", Harry says confidently.

You don't have a dance party, but you do get food, dessert and some non-alcoholic fizz. Harry goes through your apartment, excited about everything he sees there. He clearly wants to dig around and is practically vibrating while holding himself back from it. Just because he is holding himself back, you decide to introduce some of your closets to him, showing him things like your favorite cassette, funniest shirt that you never wear and the way you organize the top drawer of your desk. You can't understand why that makes Harry so happy, but it does.

You eat, and Harry gets you to tell about the weirdest cases of your career. Then he demands to see pictures of you when you were younger, and just because the mood is filled with joy and you can't get enough of Harry's laugh, you decide to humour him.

You're sitting on the floor, pictures scattered in front of you.

"Okay. I think that's enough of the old times", you say and gather some of the pictures back together.

"Thanks for sharing these with me", Harry says. There is still laughter in his eyes, and he has a fond look in his eyes.

"I'll remember this. Next time we're at your place I will demand to see some young Harry", you chuckle.

"Well, I was never as good looking as you. But I did look better than I do now, as I am basically decaying, so..." Harry starts with good humour, but then he loses some of his smile.

"You're still good looking", you tell him sincerely, but he waves you away and let's out a laugh that sounds way too bitter. You grab his hand. "You are. Besides, your looks aren't the most important part of you. Actually, I wanted to talk about this."

He sighs deeply.

"Well, I managed to fuck this up very quickly", he says, clearly trying to make a joke out of it. You ignore it.

"Nothing has been... _'fucked up.'_ But I do feel like you've been avoiding getting closer with me", you tell him, honestly. It feels a bit weird to just say it out loud like that, but it seems to be an effective way of stopping Harry from spiraling downwards. "And I don't think it's because you aren't interested."

"No I - I am", Harry says right away, squeezing your hand. You nod, and stay silent, waiting for him to continue. "I guess I just... I'm not sure if you should be. You deserve something - someone better." He looks down at your hands and smiles sadly. "I don't know if it's fair, for you to get stuck with me. It doesn't feel like it. You're perfect, and I'm... Me", he finishes, and it's clear how painful the thought is for him. "I think you'll see it soon enough and..."

"And leave?" You finish his sentence. He nods. "You think I'll leave?"

"Well, not necessarily leave Jamrock or anything like that, I know you enjoy your work here, you've gotten friends from the precinct, and you wouldn't leave that easily. But... You know. You'll realise you can get better. You  _ should _ get better", Harry's voice is barely louder than a whisper. You frown.

"Harry. I don't know what exactly you imagine. My life greatly revolves around my work. I wasn't expecting to ever find someone who I would consider to have a long term romantic relationship with. Maybe when I was younger, but then I gave up on it. I've kept my relationships short and effective, and mainly without feelings", you tell him. He seems a bit surprised by that. "It's not usual for me to connect like this with anyone." It's not exactly easy to say it, but still surprisingly easy. Which you think proves your words. You couldn't be honest like this with anyone else. "I like you, Harry, just as you are. I find you captivating, funny, intelligent, heartfelt and yes, very handsome. We also share our love for Revachol."

Harry is pensive, expressions changing every now and then.

"And stop thinking you're tricking me into something. The first time we met you were hangover from alcohol and drugs, and you couldn't even remember your name. That doesn't exactly make me think life with you would be always easy. But we solved the case. I transferred here. And I think we could have something really nice together. I want to give it a shot."

Harry looks at you, really looks at you. You desperately wish he would say something. Something you can answer to. You are out of words.

Finally Harry lets out a short laugh.

"I believe you. I just can't understand it. That you'd actually... I'm a mess", he summarises his thoughts, spreading his arms.

"Maybe you don't have to understand all of it at once", you tell him. "Start with simple things."

"Like what?"

"Do you think that  _ I _ know what's best for me?" you ask, and he nods. "And do you think  _ I'm _ capable of making my own decisions?" Once again he nods. "Then, you simply need to believe that I have thought this through, and believe it to be good for me."

"Hmmh", Harry hums thoughtfully.

"I've made it pretty clear what I want. But what really isn't clear to me is what do you want?" you ask him with a slight smile, though you feel nervous energy right beneath your skin. "I don't want to pressure you. If this is not something you want, I promise that's okay, we'll stay friends. But I don't want you to bail just because you think you're not good enough."

"It's not that I don't want to, just-", Harry starts, then stops. You can tell he's going through the conversation inside his head. "Ah, well", he blushes. He licks his lips, nervously, then looks at you. Something shifts in him. "I want it to work."

You smile. He smiles back. For a moment you're both happy there, enjoying the newly found small piece of stable ground. Then you can't contain yourself.

"So, you won't escape if I do this?" you ask gently as you let go of his hand to trail your fingers on his arm, to his biceps. Harry shudders, but shakes his head.

"I won't", he promises. You touch his cheek, and his hair. He leans to your touch ever so slightly.

"And what if I said I want to kiss you?" you ask. His eyes immediately go to your lips and he blinks quickly.

"I have no idea why you would want to do that", he says straight away and his eyes turn just a bit sad. You put a finger on his lips as a gesture of hush.

"Am I or am I not capable of knowing what I want?" you ask him, with just a hint of authority. Harry lets out a short breath.

"You are", he says softly, lips moving against your finger. You lower your palm to softly grab his chin and pull it towards you slightly. There's not a lot of space between you. You can feel his quickened breath in the air.

"So, if I say I would like to kiss you?" you ask again. His eyes are switching between your lips and your eyes almost desperately, but now they're not sad. They're almost electric, filled with expectation.

"Yes", he whispers. You smile at him, slowly pulling him closer to you by his chin. You watch as his eyes flutter closed, and then let your fall closed too as you  _ finally _ press your lips on his.

It feels like taking a big gulp of oxygen after holding your breath for too long. The first kiss you press to his lips is just a short, simple one, but you need to do it again. And again. And again. Your mouth opens slightly, and so does Harry's.

Your head feels hot as you move your hand behind his head to grab him more tightly, and your kiss intensifies. Harry kisses back with enthusiasm, and his hands grab your arms, softly holding onto them. You turn your head to get a better angle and -

_ There's the small, almost quiet whine _ .

_ Holy fucking shit _ .

The cloud of butterflies in your stomach fly everywhere. You need to kiss him more. But should you check up on him?

With the well practiced self control you manage to pull out of the kiss. Harry tries to move back towards you instantly, but you stop him.

"Is this okay?" you ask him, and he nods almost frantically.

"Yes, please can we kiss again?" he asks breathlessly. The plea goes all the way to your toes, and your intestines make some sort of flips.

You don't bother saying anything, just connect your lips again. Harry hums contentedly. You kiss into his mouth, pushing closer and closer. You need to get closer.  _ Closer _ . Until you're almost looming over him as you've gotten to your knees. Harry has to let go of your arms as he needs to support himself with them so he doesn't subside to his back.

_ Oh, but you so desperately want him on his back _ .

When you move even closer to him, he naturally leans even further back. You grab one of his thighs to spread his legs just a bit, so that you can get your knee between them and reach his lips again. And now you really need to touch his lips with your tongue. He reacts by opening his mouth even wider, and your tongues caress each other and -

" _ Mmmhhh _ ."

That was almost a moan Harry let out. You need to hear it again. So you lick into his mouth, and finally he lets his supporting arms give up and to come wrap around you, pulling you closer. You go, easing him on his back. Then you caress his cheek and his hair while you kiss him. You could probably do this forever. Harry answers your kisses like a dream, and the rising passion is really making your skin heat. You've had plenty of kisses in your life, but this really is next level.

_ Just a bit more _ .

You gently grab his chin again to direct him how you want him, to kiss him hard, basically devouring him. Now Harry definitely moans into your mouth, and his hands grip the back of your shirt tightly. You feel him slightly tremble. That makes your brain form just enough of a thought to pull slightly back and look at Harry.

_ And what a look that is _ .

Harry's hair is messed up from all of your stroking. His face is red, and his whole expression is dazed. His lips are plump and red from the kissing. He is blinking at you, like not completely aware of where he is.

"Hey", you say softly. You can't help but pet his unruly hair. His trembles finally stop.

"Hey", he answers, and a smile comes to his lips. "Kim, you're an amazing kisser."

"So are you", you say back to him.

"Really?" he asks, clearly pleased. "So you'll want to do it again?"

You laugh softly at his eager expression.

"Yes. All the time", you assure him, and to prove yourself you press your lips back to his. Harry hums happily. You keep the kisses much slower and calmer this time.

You have no idea how long you keep going. Probably for some time, as it's your knee that starts protesting. Finally you pause the kiss, and get off of your knees to lay down on your side next to Harry. He instantly turns to his side and grabs your hand. He brings it to his face to first kiss it, and then press his cheek against it. You stroke his cheek lightly.

"I think I remember some of my kisses, but I don't remember anything like that. Can you even forget something like that?" Harry says, and his light laughter sounds like music. Now his eyes are bright, and he's looking at you so intently it shakes you to your core.

"I know I won't", you tell him gently. He smiles widely, and you reach to press one more kiss on his lips. And then one on his nose. He chuckles. Then hums.

"I'm actually a bit thirsty", he says.

"Me too", you admit.

"Maybe another glass of fizz?" he suggests.

"Sure. I also have a couple of board games, if you're not in a hurry to leave", you answer. You have decided to move slower than you did the last time, but you wouldn't mind if he still spent the night here, just sleeping next to you.

"Ooh, what kind?" A competitive spark immediately lights up in Harry's eyes. You feel it too. You really want to get back at him for beating you at Suzerainty.

"Come, I'll show you", you try to get up, but Harry pulls you back by your arm.

"Maybe in 5 minutes?" he asks with a smirk. You roll your eyes, but lean close to him with a pleased smile.

"Sure, 5 minutes", you say and once more press your lips to his.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning you about mentions of past abuse and toxic relationship in this chapter. I've kept it pretty vague and unclear though.

Harry ends up staying over. You played board games till late night before you even got to bed. Then it took forever to get to sleep, since you took turns disturbing each other with light kisses, which always turned into another makeout session. Thankfully it is your day off, since both of you would've gotten a pathetic amount of sleep if it wasn't. You only got to sleep when you tucked Harry to be your little spoon and pulled up covers tightly around you. And finally you fell into restful sleep.

You don't know how long it's been when you wake up to a sound of distress. As you stir from your deep sleep, you momentarily think you've imagined it. Then you hear it again, next to you.

It's Harry. He has kicked the covers so that his legs are messed up in them. He looks slightly sweaty, and he is frowning deeply.

"No... It's different", he mumbles, his voice quiet and unclear. You instantly touch his shoulder, and he winces.

"Harry", you say, shaking him slightly. He doesn't wake up, but lets out another distressed sound and tries to turn away. "Harry!"

And then he opens his eyes. He looks disoriented for a while, before his eyes focus on you.

"Kim?" he asks, confused. You hold his shoulder and pet it slightly, trying to calm him down.

"Yes. You're at my apartment, in my bed, everything is alright. You had a nightmare", you tell him, since he still looks shocked to his core. He shakes his head.

"No, not a nightmare. It was the ancient reptilian brain", he says unclearly.

"The  _ what?" _ you ask, and Harry shakes his head again. He doesn't say more, just lets out a watery sigh. You pull him closer to you and he comes willingly. His body is slightly shaking, and even though he is damp with sweat his skin feels cold. Worry parches your insides, but on the other hand you're happy that at least you're here.

_ And you're not going to think about how often  Harry wakes up like this alone in his bed, sad and anxious . _

There's a long silence where Harry's breath slowly evens as he just rests in your arms.

"I wish I could sleep without hearing him. I don't want to, anymore, I'm sick of it", he finally tells you with a trembling voice. You've known he has some conversation going on inside his head sometimes, and he has a tendency to talk with inanimate objects, but you don't think he has ever told you about a voice so specifically.

"What do you hear when he's there?" you ask him softly. Harry pushes even closer to you, searching for your warmth. You pull the covers back on him.

"He mostly belittles me nowadays. Goes through my past and future failures. Makes fun of my decomposing body", Harry tells you. You frown.

"That doesn't sound very nice", you say with sympathy.

"He's not, really. I almost never hear him when I'm awake, but when I go to sleep..." he sighs, long and tired. "I don't hear him every night, anymore, but still more often than I'd care to."

"You used to hear him every night?" you ask.

"Yeah. Whole night", Harry nods and you keep any traces of surprise or shock away from your face. You can't imagine how taxing it must be to hear someone belittle you for the whole night. Every night.

"It's not every night, anymore. Or whole nights", Harry adds, like he's sensing your dread. At the same time he seems to realize it's still night. "I'm sorry I woke you up."

"Don't be. Is there anything I can do to help?" you ask. He snuggles even closer to you.

"You already are", he says, voice getting sleepy again. You pet his hair, like trying to protect his head from any weird reptilian voices.

"He's not all bad. He helped me sing karaoke", Harry mumbles suddenly. You lift your brows.

"He... Okay. That's... Not bad, I guess", you try to choose your words carefully. You're not quite sure of how you should react. Harry smiles against your chest. Even when his breath slows down and changes into a slight snore, you stay awake for a while, watching him. He seems calm, no signs of anguish. You try to will some pleasant dreams into his brain and at some point sleep claims you.

When you wake up next time, it's peaceful. Harry is sprawled partly on top of you, his legs intertwined with yours, his cheek against your chest and arms holding your waist. One of your hands is on his back, and another on top of his arm. You smile and let yourself bask in the moment. A soft morning light is shining behind your curtains, making you feel serene.

After a while you turn to look at Harry, and you don't even bother doing anything about the fond smile you get looking at him. You stroke his back lightly, which makes him hum. You pull him closer to you, using your other hand to pull his top leg higher up so he ends up even more on top of you. He mumbles something incoherent and sighs happily, opening his eyes slowly. You look at him as he takes a while to gather his surroundings, and finally lifts his face to look at you. A little goofy smile rises to his lips.

_ Kiss him . _

Yes, there is nothing you can do to stop yourself. You pull him slightly upwards so you can reach his lips. Just a light, soft kiss.

"Good morning", you say to him after. He chuckles.

"Yes it is", he says with a bright smile. His hand is lightly stroking your chest, and in return your hand starts caressing his thigh. You love the way a light blush makes its way on his cheeks, it makes Harry look simply irresistible. You kiss him again, letting your hand travel from his thigh to cup his ass. He lets out a small choked sound, and your insides are burning again. You squeeze lightly, and enjoy his breathless gasp against your lips.

"K-kim", his voice is shuddering. You look at his face. He looks raptured, but there is still just a slight frown of worry on his forehead. You press your next kiss there, letting your hand retreat back to his thigh.

"What do you think about breakfast?" you ask him softly. He blinks at you, needing a moment to internalize your words. Then he smiles.

"Will you make pancakes?" he asks.

"If you help me", you promise.

"I'll try", he grins.

You manage breakfast, and by the end of it you've gotten absorbed in talking about working on your motor vehicle. Harry got really excited about you bringing it up, and his excitement is infectious. Soon you find yourself rushing to get to work.

Harry admits he doesn't actually remember that much about working with cars, but you notice that whenever you get him started he does seem to actually remember something after all.

"I think you have to do more activities you've done before. You remember a lot of things, but only when the situation comes in front of you", you wonder out loud as you watch Harry install the last one of the hubcaps.

"Hmmh", he answers quite unenthusiastically.

"I know you're afraid of gaining some of the memories back, but there's no harm in remembering how to work with cars, or how to do tricks with a ball, and so on?" you encourage him. He shrugs.

"I guess there isn't. I just never know what will trigger another breakdown or something", he says.

"Have you gotten through all of the stuff inside your apartment?" you ask.

"Nope. The beginning was easy when I was just cleaning the surfaces and all of the stuff that was visible, but my closet is such a mess, there's bound to be something awful there", he answers. "I almost just want to set all my stuff on fire. So I'll never remember anything of that anymore."

"Does your psychologist have any thoughts about that?" you ask while getting another set of tools for installing the lights.

"Yeah. She thinks I should go through the items. She thinks that any hidden trauma might rise up anytime. Or not, and it will just affect my life without me even knowing what's going on. So in her opinion, the sooner I remember, the sooner we can start working on it. She even offered that a support worker could come at my place when I do it, in case I unlock something truly bad from my brain", he says, clearly dismayed by the idea. "I don't want to have a random person watching me go through who-knows-what-shit I'll find there."

You nod with understanding and gesture for Harry to come help you with the lights. Once again as you work together, it seems like pieces of information are just falling to Harry's head. Suddenly he knows stuff about electricity and he handles the wires with the care of someone who's very familiar with it. But in the end he wants for you to do the finishing moves as it is your car. You are happy to.

"There. Done", you say with satisfaction. You look at Harry who is almost next to you, shaking his head with a smile.

"Kim, I will never understand how you're so cool", he says happily, not even ashamed of saying it. His admiring gaze makes your ears heat slightly.

"Khm. You helped with this, it wasn't just me", you answer. He shrugs.

"Yeah, but I'm just not as cool when I do it", Harry says. You throw a flirty look at him.

"Hmm, yes, you're  _ hot _ when you do it", you say, and enjoy the blush rising to Harry's cheeks as he momentarily splutters. Then he shakes his head and snorts.

"I could help you, you know", you suddenly say, thoughts still in the conversation you had before. Harry looks like he doesn't follow your trail of thought. "Going through some of your old stuff", you explain. Harry's smile falters.

"You don't need to do that", he says quietly.

"I know. I want to", you tell, and he frowns.

"No, you don't know- it might not be fun, maybe it's depressing, maybe I'll cry, you don't need to deal with  _ that", _ Harry says, the end of the sentence filling with disgust.

_ He means you don't have to deal with  him. _

"I want to be there for you, and that's that, stop being so mean to yourself and let me help", you say simply, not annoyed in the slightest even though Harry clearly seems to think that's how you'll feel any minute now. "You helped me with Kineema", you remind him and walk closer to take his hand. For a moment he looks like he's about to retreat, but then he sighs and relaxes.

"It's not the same and you know it", he says.

"I know", you admit and lift Harry's hand to press a quick kiss to it. When you're about to let go of his hand, he suddenly grasps it tighter. He looks conflicted. You don't say a word, just let the silence go on until Harry finds what he wants to say.

"I do want your help", he says quietly. "But not today, please. I want to have this one good day of... Of  _ us _ being together. Before you find out what kind of human trash I am and decide to move to a different isola, heh", he laughs, but there's no real humor in it. You huff. Honestly you think Harry is seeing himself as a much worse person than he actually is. He's probably imagining he will discover something truly dark about himself from his memories. You believe there might be some unfortunate things to be discovered, but you don't believe Harry would've ever done something so horrible you would have to leave him.

_ But what do you know? Your brain is  compromised. _

You decide there's no point in trying to assure Harry beforehand. He won't believe you now.

"Okay", you say with a nod. "If this was the only day, what would you want to do?"

Harry thinks for a while, then grins.

"I think we should take this bad boy for a ride", he says, touching Kineema gently. Your heart twists. You can't help but adore the way Harry has gotten attached to your motor vehicle. It's silly. You enjoy it anyway.

The traffic has become painfully slow around Jamrock and Martinaise, roads getting closed and the feeling of something coming down hanging in the air. But when you go the other way, you find room to drive around Revachol. The new weird feeling, though spreading, hasn't reached all of it yet. You visit the most beautiful places, find more peaceful roads to get the rush of speeding, stop along the way to get food...

And even though you have by now internalized how much you like Harry, it still manages to surprise you how well you fit together. You have so much to talk about and laugh about, and even the occasional silent moments feel light and pleasant. It's the best date of your life.

You park your vehicle on the parking lot near harbour to see the sun getting down below the sea. It's not sunset yet, but it is low enough to color everything with just the slightest shade of orange. The sea breeze blows against you when you get out of the car, and it messes up Harry's already messy hair even more.

You get as close to the water as you can, choosing the biggest stone there to sit on. You light your daily cigarette. Harry doesn't ask for you to share it, and you don't offer.

"Klaasje is still alive", Harry suddenly says, shivering from the cool wind. You tilt your head, not surprised by this sudden revelation even though it is unexpected. "The wind..." Harry continues, trailing off as if he's still sensing something. You nod quietly, letting him experience whatever it is he goes through on moments like these. You want to explain it with logic, like Harry's head is just piecing a puzzle together and then he receives the realization in some bizarre form, even though it is just a thought finishing its course. But at the same time, you don't believe it is just that. Maybe it's the pale.

Suddenly you want to stop Harry from looking deeper into it, stop him from slipping into it.

You turn to Harry and gently guide his face towards you to press a short but intensive kiss against his lips. It does what you wished for - he's now in the present moment instead of somewhere far away. The smile that reaches his eyes almost stops your heart.

_ It's like you're the only thing in his universe  now. _

You clear your throat, suddenly slightly embarrassed about your abrupt plea for Harry's attention. And slightly flustered about how completely you got it.

"Kim, when can I drive Kineema?" Harry asks, nearly making you choke. He's clearly enjoying the shock value of the question, looking amused as you gather your words. But the question was sincere.

"Khm. Not before you've retaken your drivers test. I'd rather you test your skills on some... less supreme vehicle", you say diplomatically. Harry's brows raise.

"What? You'd actually consider letting me drive it someday?" he asks, surprised.

"I'm not-" you start to say you're not protective of Kineema - after all, it is just a vehicle - but you don't bother. By now, both you and Harry know how much you adore that vehicle. "I let you help me with working on it, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but actually  _ drive _ it?" he presses. You tilt your head, really thinking about it.

"As long as you pass your driving test with flying colours. And are not under any influence. And I can supervise the driving", you then answer. The idea of Harry driving Kineema isn't horrifying. To be honest, you'd even like to see it. In a well controlled environment, of course.

"Wow. You  _ really _ trust me", Harry says in wonder. There's a gentle warmth inside you spreading every direction as you give him a little smile.

"I do."

There's a happy, calm silence around you, broken only by the waves of sea.

It is a good day for you two. And after that, there's many more. Something inside you keeps trying to remind you not to just jump head first into this, that you should try to protect yourself even a little bit, but you simply can't bring yourself to care. Your brain has been drowned in dopamine and it feels excruciatingly good to just let yourself go with it. You keep your professional face at work, and that's as much distance you're willing to take away from this situation.

Your judgement is indeed somewhat compromised.

_ You love  it. _

You've tried not to push Harry towards anything sexual, just for the reason that the last time you did it quite casually and it backfired, so you'd like it to be Harry who initiates the next move forward. It's not easy. You had to buy a lip balm to keep your lips from getting chapped by how much you and Harry make out, since the unresolved sexual tension just keeps you going. Making out hasn't been this exciting since you were a teenager.

But it is so good. Harry is an excellent make out partner. His responsiveness keeps your imagination very active and he's such a great kisser.

This is what you think as once again you're sitting on Harry's couch, and he's somehow ended up sitting on your lap as you enthusiastically kiss each other. His hips keep making the smallest of pushes against you and it's making you feel crazy in the best sort of way. When he next time pulls his lips off of you to take a deep breath, he also opens his mouth to talk.

"I think I'm ready", he says, and then instantly blushes before your brain even has time to make anything out of that statement. "Not for  _ that- _ I mean of course for that too, but I didn't mean  _ that- _ "

You hide your fond smile and sush to make him stop blabbering before he can start it properly. When he settles, you nod for him to continue.

"I meant that I could go through my old stuff. The closet of doom. If you still want to help me with it, that is, of course if you've changed your mind I can just do it by myself, no problem-"

"Harry. Of course I'll help", you interrupt softly. He nods and smiles a bit nervously.

"I just thought it would be good to get it over with", he says, and there's a clear sad undertone in his voice. He still thinks he's going to figure out something so awful it will make you want to stop this thing between you. You don't believe such a thing will happen, and you're eager to get Harry to stop worrying about it.

"Which closet?" you ask.

"The one from the bedroom. It's actually a small walk-in wardrobe, but my clothes are in the front and the... other stuff... is behind them", Harry explains.

"Okay. Let's get to it", you nod and gently push him to the side from your lap. He looks slightly shocked.

"Now?" he asks, one of his hands subconsciously hanging on to your arm even when he sits next to you.

"Why not? Then it's done", you say and quickly clean your glasses. When you put them back on, you see Harry looking grim but determined.

"Yeah. Then it's done", he says darkly. You touch his cheek carefully.

"It will be alright", you say. He nods, but it is clear that he doesn't quite believe you.

You get to work. Seeing Harry's closet is slightly surprising. On the front is a movable clothes rack with a ton of black, brown and dark gray clothes with occasional white shirts between them. It makes you lift your brows, since it doesn't look like something Harry would wear. They're all... So neat and professional, but also so dull and colourless. Most of them are also covered with dust, apart from a couple of pants. On the left edge of the rack is clearly what Harry wears most, which is almost fully stuff he picked from Martinaise or things you've seen him acquire lately. Besides them, the only thing that has colour in them are his ties. There's a real collection of bizarre patterns, many of them even weirder than the one he was wearing when you first met him.

"I think we should just start here and work our way inside the closet", you tell him. At a quick look it seems like it is just a closet for these clothes, but when you take a better look it is clear that behind it are many boxes and bags, spread on the floor and shelves.

"I - what do I do?" Harry asks, sounding slightly helpless.

"Hmm. How about we divide things into different categories?" you suggest. Harry looks at you, waiting for you to explain. "One could be for things you want to keep and use. Second for things you don't want to use, but want to keep for memories, they could be neatly stored. Third for things you don't want to keep."

Harry thinks for a while before nodding.

"Okay, that's sensible. I can do that", he says and slowly starts going through the clothes on the rack. First he takes off all of his new stuff.

"These I want to keep", he says.

"Okay, how about we organize that category here", you point to the other edge of the bed. Harry lowers the clothes there, then goes to grab his ties and throws them there too. Then he goes to browse the rest of the clothes. He looks at them unhappily, browses them again, and again. He glances at you.

"I know this is the stuff I'm supposed to like, but it's just so goddamn boring! But this is what I used to wear, so I guess I should still wear it?" he asks, clearly dismayed by the idea.

"You don't have to wear anything you don't want to, Harry", you say, then correct yourself. "Except maybe for work."

Harry sighs deeply and keeps browsing the clothes.

"How about you keep a couple of those for situations where you need them? The ones you like best? And get rid of the rest", you finally suggest. If Harry gets stuck here, it will take you forever to get through this closet. He hums, thinking.

"You know you can also get some new ones, right? There's professional looking clothing that isn't as... void of colour. That might be more your style", you tell him. He sighs once more. Then he finally chooses a couple of tops and bottoms he decides to keep. Rest he grabs into his arms, walks to the bedroom door and drops them next to it.

"Here's the not-keeping-it pile", he announces. You nod.

"Can I go through it, see what's good enough for recycling and what will go to trash?" you ask him.

"Go ahead", he waves while he grabs a couple of boxes from the ground. It's his socks and underwear.

You dig up a plastic bag for things going into trash. From the clothing Harry discarded, only two shirts go there, the rest is surprisingly well kept and in good condition. But from the socks and underwear Harry just brings a lapful of stuff and pours it straight into the trash bag.

"Okay", he says, already moving the rack out of the closet to reveal the chaos behind it. Or maybe not so much chaos. There's just plenty of boxes and bags that have no labels on them. Only one box has a word "NO" written on it with capital letters and red inc.

"That's not ominous at all", Harry says sarcastically while pointing at the no-box.

"Don't worry. Let's go through the other stuff first", you encourage him.

He nods and with slightly shaking hands he grabs the first box. It seems to be pretty heavy, so he more drags than lifts it away from the small closet.

"Oookaay", he sighs. For a moment he looks like he wants to call the whole thing off, but then he opens the box.

"Books?" he asks stupidly. You walk closer to also take a look. Just as you realize the box is pretty much filled with adult romance books, Harry seems to internalize that as well and he closes the box again quickly. He glances at you, face red and shakes his head. "Ah, I remember these now. Dear Dolores, I'm a loser."

You have slight problems in reacting. You would be slightly embarrassed to get caught reading such novels, but you do actually think there's nothing wrong with those. Besides, they might not even be Harry's. Though you do remember Judit mentioning that Harry had read these before. Before you have time to react, Harry continues.

"Dora used to read these a lot. When the sparkle between us started fading, I thought to read one, to see if I was maybe missing something she needed. But I just got hooked on the books. Even after she left. People think they're just romance trash but some of them are actually good!" Harry explains, his voice rising with defence.

"I'm not judging", you tell him, which seems to calm him down. He opens the box again and goes through some of the books. They look... well read. Harry seems to read your thoughts.

"I've read some of these so many times. After Dora left, of course she didn't bring these books here anymore, and I can't go and buy them myself can I?" he laughs.

"Why not?" you ask.

"Why not, Kim! They're basically soft porn written for the ladies! Would you buy them?" he asks incredulously. You shrug.

"If I wanted to read them, yes", you answer after thinking a while.

"And you wouldn't be ashamed?" he asks, sounding doubtful.

"Not ashamed, no. Maybe a little awkward", you admit. "But people buy erotica all the time. These books are a pretty mild thing to buy in the end, don't you think?"

"Maybe. I think it would be easier to buy just straight up porn", Harry hums, turning back to the books when he clearly remembers something more. "Dora used to say it wasn't very manly. Reading these."

"That's an old-fashioned thing to say", you answer with a neutral voice. Personally, you don't care for such polarities at all, but you have no interest in insulting Harry's ex.

"She was pretty old-fashioned, I guess", Harry thinks out loud. Then he doesn't say anything more, as he keeps digging through the books, reading some of the back covers. He gathers a small stack of 5 books, which look like they've been read the most. Clearly his favorites. You're curious to see what they are about, but Harry is somewhat tactically hiding them behind the box, before moving the stack to the pile of things to keep. He throws a shirt over them for good measure. You try to appear as though you're not mortally curious to see what themes are his favorites.

"The rest can go. If I want to read more of them I'll just let you buy them, since you're not even ashamed of it", he says with a slight smirk. You know it's a joke, and maybe a final poke to make you admit that you wouldn't actually buy them. Taking a different route, you smile in a slightly teasing way as you pull the box closer to you.

"I'll buy them for you if you want to. You just need to tell me what to get. Is it..." you grab couple of the books on top to quickly scan their back cover "a hot and steamy summer romance with a rich pilot or... someone getting their first taste in doing exactly as daddy tells them to, or-"

Harry surges towards you and slaps the books off of your hands, face slightly red with both embarrassment and amusement.

"That's not what the covers say!" he exclaims.

"Well, not exactly, but that's what they clearly mean", you answer with a smirk, even though you're slightly surprised by your own bold approach. Harry shakes with laughter as he closes the box and pushes it out of your reach.

"We're done with these", he says, faking a face of disapproval, but it's clear that he actually approves. He's delighted. Relieved.

Then his face darkens again as he reaches for a random bag. He opens it slowly, like something coming out might attack him. Then his eyes widen.

"Look, Kim! A tennis racket!" he says excitedly and picks up a racket from the bag, trying it out in his hand. "I actually don't remember this. I wonder if I've ever played."

You look at the tennis racket, tilting your head.

"You might have. But that is brand new, there's still a price tag", you note, gesturing to the tag hanging from the handle.

"Maybe I was supposed to try it out", Harry mumbles and does some movements with the racket. "Yeah, I have no idea what I'm doing."

He digs into the bag and also finds unopened cases of tennis balls.

"I think I want to keep these though. I don't actually remember how tennis works, but it might be fun", he ponders, bouncing one of the brand new balls against the floor. He's clearly considering trying to hit the ball with the racket.

"Don't try it out inside. You'll break a window", you say. He smiles sheepishly, but puts down the equipment and moves them aside.

Harry keeps going through the boxes and bags like that, while you mostly sit and watch, chatting with him. It is as you guessed: most of the stuff in the closet is actually not anything bad. A lot of it is different kind of sport equipment that he has probably buried when he's given up exercising. Harry gets excited about all of those, testing out a jumping rope and wondering if a pierced basketball can still be fixed. There's also a lot of random stuff he has picked up from his cases but which didn't turn out to be evidence or related at all. He tells you some of the stories he suddenly remembers when looking at those items. Some of the stories are sad, but the more he remembers, the more it gets clear that Harrier Du Bois has been a good cop. It's also almost spooky how well he can remember people and conversations. Many of the cops don't.

Going through the closet takes some time. You take a break to have a coffee, then continue, get some snacks, keep going. Until finally, there's only one box left in the closet. The no-box.

"So, that's the only one left", you tell Harry. He looks at it and then back at you.

"I don't know, Kim. It clearly says 'no' on it. Seems like it should be just left alone", he says doubtfully.

"We've come this far. It'll bother you if you leave it there", you advise. It takes a while, but finally Harry goes to grab the box.

"I guess you're right", he says quietly. The box doesn't look intimidating. It's just a medium sized brown cardboard box.

"Do you think I've written this?” Harry asks, gesturing to the red letters on the box.

"I can't tell", you answer. The simple letters don't really give a lot to guess on. Slowly, Harry opens the box. You peek inside. Two smaller boxes lay inside and beneath them some kind of fabric.

"Hmm, what's this", Harry mumbles, lifting one of the smaller boxes to his lap, opening it. "Oh."

"What is it?" you ask as his face turns sad. Harry sighs and lowers the box so you can see inside. It's filled with different sorts or pills and small bottles of liquid. It is quite a large collection. Extremely large. It's like a small drug store.

"You know, when I first came home, I found 13 places where I had hidden drugs or alcohol. This is the 14th. Fucking 14th", he says almost angrily. "That's pretty many hideouts in a place of this size, even for an addict."

"It is", you agree, going for a neutral tone.

"And this one. Fuck. None of the others were this bad. There's enough to kill an elephant! That's not even it, these would kill at least 20 elephants", he gulps. The implications of that make both of you fall silent for a while. Then Harry closes the box and pushes it towards you.

"Would you put it to the discard pile", he asks. You take the box carefully and set it aside the rest of the stuff getting thrown away. It will need to be disposed of appropriately.

"You've come a long way", you say sincerely. It feels important that he remembers it.

"So you've said", Harry answers with a slightly painful smile, saturated with self disgust.

"I'm really proud of you", you continue, and feel happy that Harry doesn't seem to be developing any immunity to your praise. The painful grimace slowly turns into the smallest tentative smile on his lips. You share a warm moment of rest before you nod for him to keep going. He nods back at you, then takes the second smaller box out. This time he hesitates before opening it, but when he finally does, his shoulders lump in relieve.

"It's just pictures", he tells you, browsing them. There's a slight frown on his forehead, but otherwise he doesn't seem distressed. You let him look at them in peace.

"I'm not sure why I have packed these away like this", he says. "Maybe because there's a lot of pictures of Dora too."

"They don't upset you?" you ask with a bit of caution. It wasn't that long ago when just the thought of Dora made Harry extremely messed up.

"Nah, not really. I think... Maybe the whole drug using thing made that a lot worse. Like I was just stuck, living like it was just yesterday when we broke up. Now that I've been sober for a while it's starting to feel like... Well, six years is a long time", he wonders. "Actually, I feel sorry for all the phone calls I've made over the years. Fuck, I must've been a nightmare to her. While she has been trying to move on, I've been hanging to... To what exactly, I don't know. I don't know what we even did in the end." He thinks for a while before blinking at you suddenly.

"I'm sorry, it's probably not polite to go through my old relationship when we're-" his sentence cuts off as he just gestures between you two.

"I don't mind. I know she was important to you", you answer gently. It's mainly true. You don't feel jealous of an old love, when it is analyzed like this. Deep inside you might hope that Harry doesn't miss her anymore.

"She was", Harry admits and turns back to the pictures. Then he hands you one of them. "Look, here, I remember this. We'd been together for maybe a year."

You look at the photo, and you can't stop yourself from smiling. Younger Harry is clearly still a gym teacher in it, he's radiant and healthy looking, wearing a bright turquoise tracksuit. His face is filled with glee, as his other hand points towards a mountain behind them. He is standing next to Dora, who is also wearing a tracksuit, but it's more stylish, black and grey with a light pink stripe. She's smiling too, long hair flowing with the wind. She is pretty, no doubt about it. But you wouldn't think of her as otherworldly, like Harry probably does. Or did.

"This is a very good picture", you tell him sincerely. Harry smiles.

"Yeah, maybe the best that ever was taken of us. Dora wasn't much of an outdoor person, so it was pretty rare of her to put on clothes like that. Or agree to take a mountain hike with me", Harry reminisces, then continuing to browse the pictures. He looks like he's experiencing some kind of pain. "A lot of memories returning?”

"Some. Not everything", he answers.

"You don't need to look through all of them in one sitting", you remind him softly. He smiles at you.

"I know. I'm just interested. And it's not like I'm getting anything brand new. Most of this stuff I  _ kind of _ remember already, but the pictures give me some specific situations and a better timeline", he explains, then his face brightens. "Oh, look! That's the day I started in RCM!" he exclaims, handing you another picture. There, Harry stands alone, dressed in black RCM uniform. He looks handsome. And very serious.

"Were you nervous?" you ask, and Harry instantly nods.

"Totally. I was so on edge that I felt like I could throw up anytime", Harry laughs. 

"I think I want to keep these. They're sort of fun, right?" Harry asks after a short silence. You definitely agree. You've only thrown pictures away one time, but you still sometimes regret it. The whole thing was painful when you did it, and you were sure you would never want to relive those memories. But it turns out, you do want to.

"For sure. They're memories", you answer, and Harry smiles at you.

"Okay, so they stay. Now then, what's on the bottom of this", Harry asks, lifting up the final thing from the no-box. It is some kind of fabric, dark purple, and it seems silky. A look of recognition rises on Harry's face, and a second later he looks like he was just given the best christmas present.

"So it's here! I was wondering if I had just imagined ever owning this."

Harry lifts the piece for better view. It seems to be some kind of dressing gown. 

"This is my favorite thing! It's so comfortable, Kim! See, it looks like it's all stylish and silky, but touch the inside", Harry babbles excitedly as he pushes the robe towards you. You touch it, and indeed, it feels nice and soft from the inside. A slight smell of dust rises out of it - it has been stored here for quite some time.

"It's the most comfortable thing that ever existed! Nothing better than rising up in the morning and pulling this bad boy on... I wonder if it still fits me", Harry says, and he's already standing up, pulling on the robe. "Hmmh, well, it isn't as large on me as it used to be, but it doesn't matter, it's still comfortable. I'm so happy we decided to do this!"

He's petting his robe-covered chest happily as he grins at you. You feel a smile tugging on the corner of your lips.

"I'm glad you found it. But it should probably be washed", you tell him.

"You're right. I wonder why has it been here gathering dust when I could've-" Harry starts rambling with a smile, but then he suddenly freezes. You wait for a while for him to continue, but he doesn't.

"Harry?" you ask. He doesn't respond, and his eyes seem to look past you, somewhere far away. "Harry!"

As he still doesn't react, you move closer to him to touch his face, wave your hand in front of him, trying to shake him out of this sudden trance. When nothing seems to work and a couple minutes pass by, you're getting truly worried. Should you call his psychologist? Or a doctor?

"Harry! Can you hear me? Harry!" you raise your voice, shaking his shoulder almost harshly, and just when you've decided to make a phone call,  _ finally _ his eyes snap back to you.

"Kim?" he questions quietly. You let out a deep, relieved breath.

"Yes, Harry, thank gods. What happened?" you ask softly.

"I..." Harry starts slowly, frowning. You can see his throat swallowing. His hands are trembling.

"Sit back down, here", you guide him to sit on his bed, quickly moving some items out of the way so you both fit there. Harry doesn't speak for a while, but his eyes move around the room, so you try to be patient and wait for him to continue.

"Nothing bad, I-" he finally starts again, voice breaking right away. He coughs a couple of times to clear his throat and then starts once more. "I'm not even a proper man. I'm nothing."

His voice is hollow and he's taking shallow breaths way too fast.

"Harry-" you start, but he interrupts you right away.

"No it's okay, I'm okay, I think I just remembered the rest of the years. The ones with no pictures about them. Or at least parts of them. The - the fights. The end", he closes his eyes and rubs his eyelids. "We yelled at each other so much. She was a pretty decent slapper when she was truly angry. She broke so many plates. And after she told me she just went and had an abortion without even talking to me about it I... I almost wanted to slap her back for once. But instead I went and did a fucking ton of drugs and tried to kill myself, and it was just to make her feel sorry, I'm- _fuck_ -"

Harry doesn't say more, he just stands up and rushes to the toilet. You hear him release the insides of his stomach.

Your stomach feels heavy as you walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water before following Harry. He is sitting right next to the toilet seat, holding onto it. You hand him the water, and he mumbles his thanks before drinking all of it in just seconds.

"I'm sorry. This almost went well", Harry says somberly. His hands are still shaking, and it's reaching his shoulders.

"Don't worry about that. How are you feeling?" you ask gently, lowering to crouch closer to him.

"I'll be fine. I just... I didn't remember we were that bad for each other, in the end", he says, running a hand through his hair and swiping the cold sweat off of his forehead.

"Why were we together for so long when it got so bad?" he asks and looks at you, desperate. You're not getting the whole picture about things here, but you're getting an image where there might have been some kind of abuse, maybe from both sides.

"Maybe neither of you were ready to be alone", you suggest quietly. Harry considers it and thinks for a while.

"If we... If I get horrible with you, please promise you'll just leave. Don't... Don't try to _deal_ with me", he then begs with a broken voice.

"I don't believe you were the only one who acted distastefully", you tell him. He shuts his eyes for a moment.

"Maybe not. But she only acted like that because I was such a useless piece of shit. I brought the worst out of her. Before me she wasn't...", Harry's voice fades away as he finishes his sentence. His blatant self-blame and the mention of slapping burn in the back of your head. You don't have proper tools for this. You knew the break-up had hurt Harry, but you never imagined it might have been the relationship itself which actually hurt him more.

"Even if you acted stupidly, you didn't deserve any violence", you tell him carefully. Harry shakes his head quickly.

"It wasn't like that. I mean, she was a petite woman, she couldn't actually do any damage", Harry says, and his words just twist your insides. "I did more damage to myself than she ever did. And then manipulated her to be there for me."

You're out of words. The whole case suddenly seems like one big ball of toxic, unhealthy mess. You're really thankful that Harry has an actual psychologist who will probably be able to offer some real help, because you're out of your depth here.

_ You don't need to solve his problems. Just be there for him now. _

"She hated this thing. Always said I look like a fa-... Not... Not nice at all", Harry's voice interrupts your thoughts. He's softly touching the dark purple robe on himself, looking sad. Your sympathy towards Dora lowers another 10 percent, but you don't mention it.

"I love it", you simply say, with conviction. Harry looks at you with watery eyes, his lip trembling. You sit down properly and softly reach towards Harry to pull him away from the toilet seat. He practically leaps against you and wraps his hands around your waist, burying his face to your shirt. He's not crying out loud, but you can feel him silently shaking with soundless sobs.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Hi. Heyyy. Sorry for the delay with these two last chapters. My dumb ass actually wrote them first and then got inspired to write the rest of the story, so naturally when the rest of the story got to the point where it connects to the ending chapters, it felt like they were from completely different planets. I really don't like going back to my own "ready" writing to edit, fix and rewrite it since I just usually end up disliking it, so the process has been  
> s l o w .

Cleaning up the closet definitely unlocked something inside Harry. For the first few days after he's so sensitive you have to be careful even about the way you look at him: if your face is too blank, he gets worried he's done something wrong and starts apologizing endlessly. Then he's sorry about apologizing. It's a circle you would rather not start at all, and one you're happy to leave behind as Harry slowly regains some of his footing again. But it's not easy to watch him struggle. There's a weird melancholy twist in his smile for many days, and you can see him making faces at his own thoughts when he doesn't think you're looking. It's easy to tell he's also experiencing some real temptations towards intoxicants, since his eyes seem to be glued to them whenever he encounters them - and that's quite often, when you're a policeman working in Jamrock.

More than just a couple of times you catch him holding the purple robe in his hands, looking sad.

"What should I do with it?" he asks one time, the question clearly pointed at you even though he's not looking at you.

"I can't decide that for you", you tell him gently. He sighs deeply and pulls the robe on himself. He walks in front of a mirror, and a slight smile rises on his lips.

"I don't know. It's so soft and I love the colour, it makes me feel good", he thinks out loud, and then once more his smile turns to frown as he looks at himself with open disdain. "But maybe that's exactly why I shouldn't keep it. Look at me, hah! Fuck, Harry, you're fat, old and look like you've been run over by a train several times, you shouldn't keep such extravagant clothing at all, you sick fuck." His voice is acrid and hateful.

"Hey!" you raise your voice in protest, acutely worried about the turn Harry's words have taken. Harry turns to look at you, and the sensible lecture combined with good natured pep talk disappears from your mind. You're baffled by how differently he sees himself. Sure, he's not so young and fit as he once was, and there are some signs about the lifestyle he's led. But he's handsome, with legs and arms that definitely can outrank anyone else's, and the dark purple robe and ruffled hair makes him look soft and beautiful in his own rough way.

"That's my boyfriend you're talking about", you state when nothing else comes to mind. It still has the desired effect, and Harry seems to drop his dark mindset. He walks to you and without a beat grabs you into a tight hug. You hug him back, and the two of you spend a long time just hugging each other in silence.

"I feel like... Maybe there was some unopened box in my brain too", Harry says quietly. "I don't know if I actually think those thoughts or if... If those are even my words, my thoughts."

You don't know what to say. So you just listen, and hug him even closer.

  
  


You agree with Harry. There has clearly been an unopened box in Harry's brain, and it was unlocked at the same time you emptied his closet. It's not just about his looks either. Any setback at work quickly manages to get him spiraling downwards. For the most part he breaks down when it's just you two, but then there's a more serious failure.

"I can't believe I let that crook get away. I should have known it was him! I _should_ have!" Harry's voice is angry as he slams the hastily filled paperwork on Jean's table. You were on a case which led you to the suspect's house, but neither of you found anything that would prove his involvement. Both you and Harry agreed it probably meant he was innocent in this case, even though Harry had a strong intuition that he was involved in _something_. He probably was - just not in this. Unfortunately, you made the mistake of focusing on his house, not caring enough about the large, open backyard, where the evidence was later found. But it was too late, the suspect was nowhere to be found. He had completely legally left the isola and disappeared, and it was highly unlikely he would ever be held accountable for his crimes.

"How the fuck did you miss the car in his backyard? It's a fucking car, not some small object you missed" Jean lectures right away, his voice catching some of Harry's anger.

"To be fair, lieutenant, I also missed it", you interrupt before he even gets properly started. Jean sighs deeply and takes a few seconds to think before he goes on.

"These things happen. So, one got away. You still managed to get a lot of leads that we can use to pursue other guys in this chain", Jean says, calming down. There is still some residue that makes Jean easily annoyed with Harry, but he's been getting a lot better at backing down when he realizes his irrationality.

"I'm fucking useless piece of shit. Just - _fuck!_ " Harry exclaims and kicks the table, then bursts to tears out of nowhere. Jean seems slightly surprised.

"Everything okay, shitkid? Eh... It's been a while since this has happened", he says uncomfortably as Harry lowers to sit on the floor and weep. You're momentarily stunned as well, but you quickly gather yourself and squat next to Harry to touch him softly. There's a heavy feeling inside you.

_Helplessness. You can't really do anything._

"Harry?" you ask carefully. He shakes his head.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made a scene and I'm sorry I'm such a useless bastard, I can't do anything right", he sobs and then suddenly shakes his head. "No! That's - that's not it. Just shut up, damn it!"

Jean looks - if possible - even more uncomfortable and almost spooked. You know what's going on. Harry has been going to therapy every other day now instead of once a week, and currently he's trying to follow the advice of taking a step away from his self hating thoughts to see if they're actually his right now, or if they're something he or someone else might have said in the past. But you don't actually have any idea how that actually works, especially with the voices.

Harry's sobs slowly quiet down and he frowns, clearly frustrated. You pat his shoulder, just to show your silent support. Harry looks anxious as he glances at you before turning to look at Jean.

"We cleaned my closet a couple weeks ago and now I'm cleaning some damn closet in my head too", he explains quietly. "I'm s-, _ugh_ , I'm so sick of hearing myself say sorry. But I do want to... Apologize for this." Once again Harry digs up the familiar handkerchief from his pocket and wipes his eyes.

"Don't worry about it", you say, when it's clear that Jean is momentarily stunned into silence. You rise up and offer your hand to Harry, who takes it and stands up from the floor. He takes a deep breath.

"So, that happened... Anyway, it really sucks that this case went south. But there are some other key people mentioned in that paperwork. And I think we should go after them next, even if they're not involved in this case. They're involved in something, and that something is big", Harry continues with some confidence, even though his voice still wavers. You nod your agreement, as does Jean.

"Not the worst idea", Jean says, still watching Harry as if there could be a new turn of events anytime now. The following silence feels awkward and pressuring.

"I think we're done for today. Dinner?" you suggest and look at Harry, who nods. You bid your goodbyes to Jean before turning to leave, and that's when Jean gets his mouth open.

"Harry I'm -" he starts and frowns, like trying to say the next thing is something he would rather not do. He clears his throat before going on. "I'm glad to hear you're working things out. And I'm sorry too. For probably contributing to those words you now keep tripping over in your head. I should've gotten you help, _actual_ help, instead of thinking you just need some tough discipline to grab yourself by the neck. So. Yeah. Sorry about that."

Jean's words sound sincere, but he looks as if he's swallowing poison and trying not to throw up. Harry blinks a couple of times, before his mouth spreads into a wide, warm smile.

"Aww, Jean! Don't worry about that. It's all forgiven", he walks back to Jean, ignoring his shocked shriek as Harry grabs him in a big hug. Jean stands stiff inside a hug and looks at you helplessly, but you just shrug and try to stop the corners of your mouth from rising to an amused smirk. Finally he slowly lifts one of his hands and pats Harry on the back.

"Okay, Mullen", Jean coughs, and even if he is mainly embarrassed, you swear he's also just the tiny bit touched. And you know Harry gives so great hugs even Jean just can't totally dislike them.

"Now, off you go", he finally says, putting a stop to the hug and waving his hand impatiently. "Any more drama like this and I might turn into a woman."

"That's actually a pretty toxic thing to say, Jean! Nothing wrong with things considered feminine", Harry reproaches, and now you need to turn away to hide your silent laughter at Jean's outraged expression.

"Dear Dolores, shitkid. Who made you a enlightened feminist?" Jean asks, annoyed.

"I'm just saying. Maybe you should go to therapy too, you probably have some unresolved issues with your masculinity", Harry suggests excitedly, and you hear how Jean throws something towards him from the desk and Harry runs away with laughter.

  
  


It's ups and downs, but slowly the curves get less pronounced. The thing you're most happy about is that Harry isn't closing off. He goes to his therapy sessions, keeps going to work and staying in contact with people close to him. There's something good about Harry throwing himself deep into a case and constantly finding new ways to solve it - now the big case just happens to be his mental health. And slowly, it seems like he's getting some of his confidence back.

 _"I'm not like that anymore, I'm more than my impulses. My thoughts don't define me",_ you hear him tell his mirror image on multiple days, and each time he sounds like he's more certain about it. Then one day he tells it to you.

"I'm not the kind of person I used to be. I know I can make wiser choices now, even when my mind gets garbled. I've learned a lot", he says one morning, like he's trying to convince you.

_You don't need to be convinced._

"I know", you answer, looking at him warmly. You're sitting at his kitchen table, where seconds ago you were reading the newspaper and he was organizing his post. He tends to just shove every mail he gets away to the shelf, but he goes through the pile every now and then, even though he doesn't like it. It's a morning of your day off, and he's still just in his dark purple dressing gown that has the smell of freshly washed clothing instead of dust now.

"Are you different than you used to be?" Harry asks suddenly, catching you off guard. Not that you're very surprised by random questions anymore. You lean back against the chair and think for a while.

"Yes", you answer shortly. You wait for him to continue conversation or ask follow-up questions, but he stays silent.

"I was... more temperamental when I was younger", you finally offer.

"Did you get into fights?" Harry asks curiously.

"Oh yes. All the time", you admit with airy smile. "I was angry at the system and I had a lot of ideas about how we, and how _I_ was supposed to change that. But then I got interested in police work, and as you know, not all people see me as a true Revacholian. I started being as proper citizen as possible to make up for it. Following all the rules as strictly as possible."

"Then what?" Harry asks. His eyes wander around your face, like he's reconstructing a video tape about your past, seeing it in clips right in front of him. It's still a bit confusing to realize how easy you find it to just share things about yourself with Harry now, but his endless thirst for knowledge makes you feel like your life and thoughts are actually interesting and important. You never have to doubt he's asking anything to be polite. He really wants to know.

"Then I found out there's a lot of grey area", you finish with a shrug. Harry nods, deep in thought, as if it was some kind of grand wisdom you just let out of your mouth. Then he has another question.

"When did you know that you..." Harry drifts off, making some weird gestures with his hands that don't mean anything.

"That I?" you prompt.

"That you were into... Men?" he finishes. You roll your shoulders as you think about it.

"I'm not sure. I guess I always knew that I wasn't like most people around me. Maybe I first properly noticed it when I was around 13, when others started to seriously talk about girls. But I just thought that maybe I'm not interested in dating or sex. I did have some feelings towards a boy or two, but I thought it was just... intense feelings of friendship", you say with amusement, and Harry snorts.

"Intense feelings of friendship", he repeats, smirking.

"Yes. I was probably already 18 when I met a man who was in a relationship with another man, and that's when I realized it was an option as well, and something that I might be interested in", you finish. Harry nods and falls into his thoughts for a moment again.

"I'm not sure if I have ever realized something like that in the past", he then says. "I mean, I think I have always had crushes on whoever, regardless of their sex, but I just figured everyone did, and it was just that it was proper to choose to act on someone who's a different gender."

You nod compassionately, and Harry goes on.

"I'm not sure if I have ever had sex with a man. I can kind of remember that I've made out with a couple, especially when I was drunk", he says, and then he frowns. "But honestly, I can't remember having sex with women either! I can barely remember having it with Dora, and I know for a fact that it happened."

"Don't worry too much about it. You're still recovering memories", you comfort him, reaching over the table to touch his hand. Harry hums like he both agrees and disagrees. Slowly, a small smile rises on his lips as he watches you.

"Well, I don't need those memories to know I'm very into you", he says, and as you weren't prepared, the suddenness of such a comment makes your ears warm. You pull his hand towards you and reach to press a soft kiss on it.

"Flatterer", you accuse with a smile.

Harry laughs as he rises up from the chair and makes his way over to your side, pushing his way onto your lap and surrounding you with a fresh smell of some kind of citrus soap. You give up on the newspaper as it slides to the floor, and wrap your arms around Harry. The robe rising up on his thighs momentarily mesmerizes you. Harry, observant as he is, notices, and in an instant he removes your other hand from his back and guides it to the spot where his bare thigh meets the silky purple fabric.

"Sometimes it feels like you're almost afraid of touching me", Harry contemplates. You watch your fingers stroke his thigh for a couple of seconds before lifting your eyes to his face.

"I don't want to push you into anything. I know you're going through alot", you answer. There's soft happiness on Harry's face as he closes the distance between you and kisses your lips slowly. The chair creaks quietly under your combined weight as you pull him closer.

"You're so kind, considerate and patient. How did I manage to trick you into liking me?" Harry asks with humor.

"I think I've made that pretty clear, many times too. Are you fishing for compliments?" you inquire teasingly. His face has a nice, light pink blush, which makes his eyes look even brighter as he chuckles.

"Maybe? Would that be bad of me?" he asks, playfulness coloring his voice. You shake your head and smile.

"Oh no. I'll compliment you as much as you like, and then some. Where should I begin?" you ask, brushing a couple of the wildest hairs out of his face. Now Harry shakes his head.

"That's not actually necessary, I was just kidding", he tells you.

_Sure, he might have been kidding, but you think that he also wasn't._

"Well, if you won't decide, I'll just start somewhere. I think one of the best things about you is your intellect. It's different, adaptive and always manages to surprise me", you start easily with a light compliment Harry has heard many times before. Still he rolls his eyes, but he is smiling, basking in your attention. "You're kind. You care about people, even the ones who no one else really cares about. You don't let money or power affect your opinions, you just see people, and that's pretty rare quality."

"It's not that rare", Harry says with a snort, but you feel more than see him slightly twisting with hidden delight. You pull him into a short kiss.

"Hmm. You're fun. I think you're the most fun person I've ever met. I find some people amusing, or they find me amusing, but I don't often find people who I can laugh with. I also haven't met anyone who listens to me so carefully and cares about the stupidest details of my life", you tell him with a soft grin, and as you see he's about to present another argument to cover his pleasure, you pull him back into a kiss, effectively cutting his denial off. Harry kisses you back so vehemently that you almost forget yourself into it. But you don't.

"Where was I", you say interrupting the kiss. You stroke Harry's arms as you think. "I love your arms, and your chest. You have a lot of strength, but you don't use it against people or intimidate anyone with it unless you absolutely have to. And just - really, your arms, Harry." You finish your sentence by peppering one of his arms with many small kisses, lifting the sleeve of his robe as you go. It doesn't go much above his elbow, and as you stop to appreciate the inside of his lower arm with your lips, his breath hitches.

"Kim", Harry whispers, and you fully enjoy seeing the almost shy smile on his blushing face. You kiss his lips once before letting your hands lower to pet his bare thighs.

"And these... How does a man get such voluptuous legs? I could spend the whole eternity just enjoying them", you say, and Harry trembles as your hands sneak under the hem of the robe.

"Really?" he asks, restlessly inching even closer to you, causing your hands to rise further up on his thighs. Your stomach throws some kind of flips inside you.

_It really should be illegal for anyone to have such thighs._

"Really", you answer.

"What else?" Harry presses, licking his lips. A satisfied smirk forms on your face.

"Then there's this", you lower your voice, hands slipping from his thighs to his ass and -

_He's not wearing underwear?_

Your deep intake of breath reveals your surprise to Harry, and now it's him who's smirking, though it is a slightly bashful version of it.

"I just had a shower, when would have I gotten dressed?" he defends himself.

"Khm. Believe me when I say I don't mind it", you assure, the unexpected knowledge making your blood boil. You need to clear your throat once more before continuing.

"You wouldn't believe how often I daydream of your backside. Or maybe you would. You're, you're observant. That's something I also, like, about you", you continue, almost stumbling on the words leaving your mouth. Harry chuckles, clearly very satisfied with the fact that he's gotten through your composure. As your hands squeeze on the skin under your fingers, his amusement switches to a gasp, and as a response you squeeze again, pulling his hips close against yours, and the pressure of your groins meeting each other is divine.

_Okay, don't go crazy now._

You suddenly realize you have no idea how to de-escalate from this. Make out sessions with Harry have been steamy before, but they always simmer down at some point when you don't go forward. Now, with your hands on his bare ass and him so close to you, you don't see a realistic way for this to just cool down on it's own.

"Kim", Harry says, a desperate note on his voice. "Will you take your pants off?"

Your head falls forward against Harry's chest, and you press a couple of hurried kisses where the robe has opened, revealing a slice of his skin. 

"Are you sure?" you ask breathlessly.

"Yeah. If you want to", Harry answers, sounding hopeful. You search his eyes for some hidden hesitancy, but you find none. So you nod.

"Yes, okay, stand up for a bit", you guide him, and Harry is already on it, putting his feet on the ground and getting his weight off of you, so you can shimmy your sweatpants off. They get stuck somewhere around your knees, but you leave them be, quickly pulling Harry back on you with force. He moans breathlessly, hands searching for support on your shoulders before initiating another heated kiss. He feels so unbelievably good against you, and the delicious pressure anchors your mind into the moment. Your hands go wild, you don't know if you want to touch his thighs, his ass, his back or his chest which keeps revealing itself as the robe keeps sliding down on one of his shoulders in the middle of everything. So you keep switching it, and Harry keeps making such lovely sounds against your lips that you can't even consider ever stopping.

"I adore how sensitive you are", you begin again, then kiss him again. "How responsive." Kiss. "It's thrilling and delicious. So good."

Harry shivers under your hands, and you feel the goosebumps rising on his skin. One of his hands lowers down to your stomach, where he stops and looks at you.

"Can I?" he asks softly between his heavy breaths. You nod silently, unable to pronounce or even think of any word as Harry lets his hand lower and meet your hardness. Your hands momentarily still while you enjoy the first few pulls. His hand is tentative at first, but it gets couraged quickly.

_It's heaven._

You open the eyes you didn't notice had fallen closed to watch his face as you let your hand rise up his thigh, all the way to his crotch, lifting your eyebrows in question.

"Please", Harry breaths, nodding quickly. 

_There's some connections in your brain that are probably lost forever during the resulting melt down._

You grab Harry carefully, stopping the movement of his hand as well. He doesn't even have time to look confused as you pry his grip open to push your erections together, and wrap your and Harry's hands around them. Harry looks hypnotized and frozen in surprise, but as you prompt for movement, he first throws his head back, and then collapses towards you, laying his head down to your shoulder to bury his long moan into the fabric of your t-shirt.

"F-fuck, _Kim,_ that's just...", he gasps, trailing off as your hands continue to work together. "Tell me- tell me one more, please." Harry's whisper is so quiet you just barely hear him. You want to give him what he craves, but your head feels hot and thinking properly is next to impossible. You're trying to wave around your brain for some kind of rational thought, some kind of sentence.

"I - your - your honesty. _Mmmh_. I have never met anyone as honest as you. You're open, and I know I can - I can trust what you say. It makes me feel really s-safe, with you", you finish the only thing that pops into your mind. You think there might have been more, but it disappears when Harry lets out a wrecked moan and his hips start moving to the rhythm of your hands, his teeth biting lightly on your shoulder. You desperately want to speed up the pace but it's difficult with your bodies pressed so close together.

_Also you really want to see him properly._

"Come here", you direct, gently pulling his head away your shoulder with your other arm to make room between you. Your heart rate speeds up as you meet Harry's dazed gaze. He smiles a bit goofily, and you smile back. Harry's robe has completely fallen out of his shoulder from the other side, and the material is sticking to his skin. He's flushed and the pink has spread all the way to his chest. The way he rolls his hips is straight from your daydreams.

"You're just... you're gorgeous, Harry, lovely", you add in amazement, and Harry's eyelids shudder closed for a second, breathless gasp coming from his mouth.

"Faster?" you suggest, and Harry nods. When your hands speed up, you and Harry moan in unison. His movements get rougher and your free hand holds his lower back to prevent him from slipping away.

"Oh my-, _ah_ , Kim", Harry groans, succeeding to get his eyes open long enough to look at you again. "Harder- _fuck!_ " His voice breaks down as you straight away tighten your grip and speed up your pace, and Harry follows your example. You pant as the tighter grip pushes you right towards the finish line. But Harry is close too. His mouth is open to let out breathy whimpers, and his legs are squeezing you with a tight grip you never want to escape.

" _K-kiim_ ", he whipers shakily, and you have time to press one more passionate kiss to his lips before he comes. His hips press towards you strongly as his other foot lowers down to the floor to give him more propulsion. The chair creaks again as its front legs rise up from the floor for a moment. Looking at Harry in the middle of such intense pleasure twists your core to a tight spring, ready to snap. The grip on your hard dick gets extra slippery as Harry's come quickly covers your hands, and that's enough to push you into your orgasm as well.

You crush Harry against you as you come, and your silent groans get mixed up in Harry's continuous, pleasant hums that slowly start to quiet down. Light shockwaves go up your spine which each round of pleasure, and feeling Harry throb right next to you is making your head spin.

Eventually, your hands begin to cease their movement, and as you finally let go, Harry instantly takes just your hand in his. The come on your hands is left between your joining palms, producing a squelching sound which makes both of you shake with silent laughter. Finally you loosen your grip on Harry's back and he straightens up.

"We're going to start every day like this", Harry proclaims happily, and while he lifts the shoulder of his robe back up he also sees the state the front of it is in. "Kim! Look at this mess! I just washed it!"

"I think you need another shower too", you ponder, amused. Harry squints his eyes at you, but his smile is too wide for you to take him at all seriously. "Besides, I also need one."

"Will you wash my hair?" Harry instantly asks, and such an easily expressed innocent request for closeness just gets you feeling so fond your knees go weak. Even after all that.

"Sure", you agree, basking in the resulting shine of Harry's radiant smile. A languid smile tugs at your lips, which makes Harry smile even more.

It's a lovely cycle.

  
  
  


Freshly showered and properly dressed you start rummaging around the kitchen closets for lunch as Harry goes back to browse the mail he left behind.

"How do you feel about pasta?" you ask.

"I love it with everything I have", Harry answers absent-mindedly. You snigger quietly.

You've barely gotten started when Harry exclaims from the table.

"Kim! Look! This is from Lena. Her article is getting published, and they're throwing a phasmid party at Whirling-in-rags!" Harry's voice is excited and happy as he waves the letter in front of you. You grab it to see it for yourself.

"A phasmid party?" you question.

"Yes! It will be a true cryptid extravaganza!" Harry announces with glee. As you eye the letter in your hands, you see those are the exact words Lena used in it. It makes you happy to see she's gotten her passion and excitement back after the confirmed phasmid sighting. The letter goes on to tell that not only is Whirling-in-rags involved, other businesses are also jumping in on the possibility of attracting the arriving tourists and cryptozoologists. The bookstore is preparing a whole shelf for the subject.

"This could actually be really good for Martinaise. I don't think a single tourist has visited there since..." you think out loud, trailing off as you struggle to remember if there was a time when someone would travel to Martinaise for fun. A long time ago.

"Maybe they'll see it's not half bad", Harry suggests hopefully. He definitely has a special place for Martinaise in his heart, and you can understand why. After all, it is sort of the new beginning for him, a starting point of some kind. And you can admit that Martinaise has somehow grown on you too.

"Maybe they will", you answer.

"It's the event of the year. Ooh! Maybe they could make it annual!"

As you watch Harry excitedly do some weird cryptid dance he just came up with, you don't know if your muscles hurt more from the chair session or the laughter that shakes you for the whole time you wait for the pasta to cook. And suddenly it is very clear to you that all of this is worth everything.


End file.
